Secret Team 355

Wanna carve out two hours for this sucker? I've seen worse. I've seen Anna.

Imagine a world where wanted killers weave though bustling marketplaces brandishing weapons in plain view, attacking victims, and disappearing before anyone's the wiser. Or a hacker who puts Mr. Robot to shame, instantly and effortlessly breaking into a network with every live security camera in a major European city, just by twiddling her fingers over a keyboard. Welcome to The 355.

"It's a movie," you say. Of course. One must suspend disbelief for a hot minute. But that becomes quite a chore when you're given one believable character out of four. The tired espionage tropes become exhausted, and a comprehensive plot summary can be deduced after 30 minutes, less if you're keen on these things. Action sequences quick cut like a movie trailer. Stock villains. Cringe subtext. The litany of cinema transgressions runs long. And the chuckles and groans filling the theatre were proof.

But I've been harsh. The protagonists get decent backstory treatment and are forced to make difficult choices. The sound and music amp up the excitement nicely. There's some chemistry between the cast, and they do the best with what they're given. While Chastain seems out of place here, I'll shrug and acknowledge the effort since not much else was believable. And I wasn't bored watching it. I guess it comes down to how bored you are before you decide to watch it.

I had a decent time with this movie. It's nothing special but is mostly enjoyable. The best part is the cast. I love Jessica Chastain. Diane Kruger gives a good performance. Lupita Nyong'o is kind of a beast; she kills the emotional moments. The action is fun and I was never bored.

There are also a ton of flaws. The fight scenes are super choppy with lots of quick cuts. So many moments are fully predictable. They try to have a message but in the clunkiest of ways. Like this line, "We all look different, we speak different, but we are the same." I love me a message about unity and I despise racism, but you gotta do better than that. And there are a couple moments where I burst out laughing at an unintentionally hilarious moment, like one involving a perfume bottle.

I also can't stand when a movie has stuff in the script that belongs in a rated R movie but they want to sell to a wider audience so they hide things and cut away. It's so noticeable and takes me out of the movie. Either remove those parts completely, or just go for it and make it rated R. Most movie fans including myself would enjoy it more and respect it more. And maybe it wouldn't have been such a flop at the box office.

In the end, I'm glad I watched this but I doubt I'd revisit it. Although I'm pretty sure I'd watch a sequel. Just please hire a good fight director and just go all in with an R-rating.

Random side note, does anyone else think the actor who plays Luis looks like a Latino Gerard Butler?

Another side note, why is Lupita Nyong'o 17th on the list of actors on IMDb? She should be third at worst, if not second. And I don't mean the full list which is in order of appearance. This is on the main page for The 355. Seems fishy. (1 viewing, 3/12/2022)

I think The 355 is suffering from a bit of gender bias because it's definitely not as bad as the reviews say. I've seen many action films with predominantly male casts that are much worse than this but have higher ratings. Does The 355 reinvent the spy or action genres? No. But does it kick a lot of ass and provide for a fun Saturday night blockbuster? Absolutely! Sure the plot and antagonists are a bit shallow, but there are some impressive fight sequences, a couple of twists, and some raw emotion that provide enough substance for viewers.

Each of the cast members holds their own in this action-packed, international adventure (there are 3 Oscar winners in the cast!). You're not seeing anything new here, but what you are seeing is high enough quality to leave you satisfied and thinking "I'd definitely watch a sequel of these badass women taking down bad guys!"

Verdict: Watch it.

Looking at the wattage of the cast one might wonder how on Earth a project like this could go so horrifically awry, but then you have to remember that it is directed by none other than Simon Kinberg. Kinberg who is a talented and successful producer unto himself has demonstrated once more that he requires a high caliber screenplay to be placed into his hands prior to rolling cameras.

The 355 is sort of a version of a mixture of a Bourne Identity flick without the gravity and a Mission Impossible movie without the craftsmanship. Lead by Diane Kruger, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Chastain, Fan Bingbing and Lupida Nyong'o, on paper, in a film with these performers operating at a high level and with a slick score by Junkie XL, one would think that this movie would be a hit with ease, but again we have to remember one thing, at least at this point Simon Kinberg does not have the wherewithal to be the helmsman of giant, globe sprawling action movie.

I thought this was about as good as any recent spy action thriller. Good action, plot twists and ending. It's a bit predictable and formulaic and not very believable in many parts. Overall pretty entertaining.