Lonely Hearts

This film is all you can expect given the budget and the quite niche indie horror subgenre. But even then, there are much better and more originals examples out there that display a better utilization of the limited budget at hand.

But I must really single out one actor in Lonely Hearts, or rather his extraordinarely big 'member', which clearly stands out: Chris Mills. His brave (exploitative) nude scene is one of the few silver linings in this film. In the past it has usually been female nudity that served as a gateway to attract a wider audience, in Lonely Hearts it is the focus on some truly terrific male nudity for a change which still makes this indie flick somewhat worthwhile. Great that we finally got to enjoy the female gaze when it comes to the nudity department.

Lonely Hearts (2019) simply never looks like something that would be broadcast on tv, unless we're talking on a late-night slot on Bravo in 2005. Shaky hand-held cameras and poor sound recording went out of vogue with Davina McColl's Streetmate, guys. It's not a deal-breaker by any means though, and a terrific campfire question-and-answer game in the last act more than makes up for it, where uncomfortable truths are revealed in a squirm-inducing fashion. There's an unsettling folk-horror vibe to some parts too, particularly a treasure hunt sequence. I just wish they'd used the countryside location more, to fully capitalise on it. The horror elements don't really come to the fore until the last few minutes, in an ending that isn't really earned and doesn't make much sense, but is fairly effective nonetheless. Up until that point, Lonely Hearts is more of a satirical erotic drama, which is a small, small genre indeed.

Did the makers of this film not have enough friends or something? What kind of dating show premise features only FIVE people,already clearly broken up into groups (the old man and the old woman together,the young people together). There was. A line that stated "you are the last two couples" as if they started out with more than FIVE PEOPLE!!! COMPLETELY unnecessary GRAPHIC sex scenes,making this movie more porno than horror. Blah scenery. Looks like it was shot in a clearing adjacent to a corn field. And the "game" was ridiculous. And the ending was convoluted, confusing, nonsensical trash. What was even the purpose of it all!?!? WHAT was really going on!?!? WHY was this happening!?! My favorite part was the "torture",because pouring wine on someone's body and rubbing a small jar candle on their chest is HORRIFIC!!! (insert THICK sarcasm here) and yes,masking tape does indeed hold bloody items immobile,seeing at it is pretty much the strongest tape you can buy........(insert that sarcasm again!!) Overall this movie was so stupid it would have been held back if it was a schoolchild. It's too late for me.... I can't unsee this. But you have a chance,and a choice. Save yourself!

There is a kernel of a good idea buried in Lonely Hearts, a sub-amateur film directed by Sam Mason Bell, about a mock-reality dating show where the producers have something more sinister in mind for the contestants. I like how frank it is with certain subject matter, but there is not a shred of common sense or logical thought to be found anywhere else. It looks like everything was made up as they went along, and then just turned into whatever they could out of it. More than half of this is unwatchable. Take two specific scenes and put them in Valentine, and Jamie Blanks' film would increase by at least a star.

Fully uncertain of how to rate this because it takes turns into about four different genres before ending in a wildly different place than it existed for the majority of the film. I have to credit the film's ability to surprise.

I assumed form the first few minutes that it was a dark-edged satire of Bachelor-style dating shows, which it was. But it had some other things on its mind as well. Companionship versus sexual desire, the manipulation and abuse in reality TV, some commentary on religious belief. And it becomes what it ends up being so slowly that by the time it hits, you'd forgotten to expect it was coming. Perhaps not a great movie, but definitely an interesting one that was trying something different. Oh, and lots of dong in this movie. More dong than you generally get in most movies.