- Mike: I have absolutely no interest in participating in any of the holiday festivities. It's just a giant smokescreen so that people can eat a lot and forget all about the history of the pilgrims and... stuff.
- Nightride Officer: Hey wanna go for a nightride?
- Officer Bill: Nah, I'm busy. Hey take Gormon instead.
- Nightride Officer: Gormon's been on the John puking all day.
- Officer Bill: [Looking in disbelief] Seriously? Nobody tells me anything. God. Give me three minutes.
- Nightride Officer: [Sarcastically] Happy Thanksgiving.
- [Walks away]
- Officer Bill: More like Happy Hunting.
- [from trailer]
- Alien Soldier: How do you wanna die?
- Steve Spencer: Uh... preferably not by Charlie's Angels. Most likely in a bed at old age.
- [from trailer]
- Admiral Pike: By the time the two of you are cleansed I will have enough soldiers for the entire human race to be extinct.
- Mike: Really?... Just us two?
- Mike: [to Steve] You ever heard of the one legged man in the butt kicking contest? Yeah he did better than you. Look kid, I don't know what you think, but we're here to help.
- Steve Spencer: Understood. What do we do?
- Mike: [Confidently] We Fight!
- [laughter breaks out among everyone except Mike]
- Mike: [Looking Around] What?
- Jesse: You sound very threatening when you're trying to be serious. 'Oh I'm Unit 410. My host use to sit on her fat ass all day and now we're going to lead an army of rag tag punks.'
- [Mike and Jesse Get Kidnapped by Aliens]
- Mike: You know. Just curious... What was the second part of your plan?
- Jesse: I figured he'd be unconscious and then... maybe... pancakes?
- Mike: Wow. Sometimes I wonder why I'm your friend.
- Jesse: Because I'm the only one crazy enough to put up with you. And because you love me.
- Mike: Yeah, the 'crazy' part sounds right.