Kill 'em All - Uccidili tutti

Chop chop, punch kick, repeat. Tumble, roll bang bang. Bad guys with bad aim. Plot summary: Revenge killing....bad guys deserved it. Nudity: None Violence: Oh yeah Love scene: could have used one Body count: 22 counting the guy in ER from a heart attack unrelated to the blood bath. Shots fired from same pistol without reloading: 54 Moral of the story: Kill them all

The premise of this movie could have been good but the supporting characters Stormare and Alonzo as agents were just horrible. Their acting was just phoned in and unbelievable. What a shame. It got so bad I wanted to fast forward through their parts. Just get to the good stuff please! The editing in this flick left much to be desired as well. I just hope they had fun making it because it can't have made any money.

I can't deny that I'm still a Van Damme fan after all these decades. I've accepted that he will never make another film like Bloodsport, Kickboxer or Time Cop as his age simply won't allow. However, he's proved in the past ten years with kickass films (like Expendables 2 and the two most recent Universal Soldiers) that he can still execute impressive fight scenes. And with his solid acting (shown most notably in the 2008 film JCVD) I think Van Damme still has some kicks, punches and performances left in him. For this reason I couldn't resist checking out Jean Claudes newest flick (that just released yesterday here in the U.S.), Kill Em' All.

The films director, Peter Malota, may be a first time director, but he's been working with Van Damme since 1990. I looked him up to discover that they met that year on the set of Double Impact. Malota was the martial arts action choreographer and an actor in the film. He and Van Damme then teamed up, and Malota continued to handle all martial arts fight coordinating on films such as Universal Soldier (the original and The Return), Nowhere to Run, The Quest, etc. All of the above gave me much confidence in this being a fun action packed B-movie with some (hopefully!) exciting fight scenes. Does Kill Em' All deliver is the question..?

Unfortunately, this isn't the "low-budget but super badass" Van Damme flick that I was hoping for, but it's worth rental if you still enjoy watching an older Van Damme kick dudes in the face. It's not particularly bad (for what it is), it's just not particularly good. This film doesn't really do anything we haven't seen before- it's fight scenes are pretty average and what you'd expect. Van Dammes stunt double is obviously younger (and has a slightly different haircut/fade) and pretty easy to notice. Van Damme still gets into the fight, but most of the high kicks are shot from behind and obviously a double (though not nearly as obvious as Steven Seagals have been for the past decade!). On top of all of this, the film doesn't have the budget to ever feel convincing- after the intro scene you never see a single doctor, nurse or patient in the 5 floors of hospital they are running and hiding through (not one!)?! Combined with a weak story and script, Kill Em' All doesn't have too much to praise.

On the upside, the action is consistent from start to finish, even if it's nothing spectacular. It was cool to see Van Damme fight his own son (Kris Van Damme) in this flick (though I was hoping for a more brutal or impressive fight scene between father and son) as well as 90's B-movie martial artist Daniel Bernhardt (star of Bloodsport 2-4). Peter Stormare (The Last Stand) and Maria Conceit Alonso (The Running Man) co-star as the two detectives trying to figure out where Van Dammes character has disappeared to and what exactly happened at the hospital.

Kill Em' All isn't particularly exciting or original, but it is a worthwhile rental if you (like me) enjoy low-budget action movies and still want to see Van Damme beat up the baddies. If you are a JCVD fan and haven't watched the Amazon pilot for Jean Claude Van Johnson (2016) then check that out immediately. If you're caught up with Van Dammes resume (or like low-budget 90's actioners) then it might be worth a rental (or watch on late-night cable TV) but otherwise you should probably look elsewhere.

Terrible acting from a poor cast following possibly the worst script of any action film (and that's saying a lot). It's just a really bad film. The acting is genuinely awful but that is largely down to cringeworthy writing. The plot has a deep background and it seems to have twists and monumental moments in parts, but these are unrecognisable as you're too far gone to even consider trying to follow what on earth is going on.

The sad thing is JCVD does nothing wrong, plus it seems that this film at least had a half decent budget. Even the choreography for the fights are bad, if you're hiring JCVD the least you need to do is utilise his martial arts abilities. Instead there's nothing special as he fights naff characters.

The reason I give this 3 is because it is actually a film, there is a (poor) beginning, leading to (an even worse) middle, and (equally terrible) ending (complete with someone taking off a wig (that looks like real hair) to reveal her natural hair (which is quite clearly a wig)). There is some semblance of a plot there, and really I feel bad for JCVD for being associated with this when he was given no chance of improving it.

Unfortunately, this has got to be one of Van Dammes worst films. It looks like after all those years of hard partying sure has caught up to him in 2017 as he looked pretty miserable in this. This makes Universal Soldier II look golden. The trailer looked like it would of been a cheesy, so bad it's good 90's throwback action film, but it was just plain bad. It did have a decent supporting cast and a couple of OK action scenes and it was a bit better than say Steven Seagal's stuff, but that isn't saying much. Overall, it's a shame this couldn't have been at least half decent considering Van Damme as of late seemed to have been doing better projects like his show - "Jean Claude Van Johnson". But with a movie like "Kill Em All" his action career doing movies like he used to are long and gone.

3/10