Kill 'em All - Uccidili tutti

The worst JCVD movie I've seen and that's saying something. Most of his movies a poorly written and definitely not Oscar worthy but watchable because of the action he brings to the screen. Not this one, he looks old and miserable in this effort and I only gave it a 1 because its not possible to give any less.

I can't deny that I'm still a Van Damme fan after all these decades. I've accepted that he will never make another film like Bloodsport, Kickboxer or Time Cop as his age simply won't allow. However, he's proved in the past ten years with kickass films (like Expendables 2 and the two most recent Universal Soldiers) that he can still execute impressive fight scenes. And with his solid acting (shown most notably in the 2008 film JCVD) I think Van Damme still has some kicks, punches and performances left in him. For this reason I couldn't resist checking out Jean Claudes newest flick (that just released yesterday here in the U.S.), Kill Em' All.

The films director, Peter Malota, may be a first time director, but he's been working with Van Damme since 1990. I looked him up to discover that they met that year on the set of Double Impact. Malota was the martial arts action choreographer and an actor in the film. He and Van Damme then teamed up, and Malota continued to handle all martial arts fight coordinating on films such as Universal Soldier (the original and The Return), Nowhere to Run, The Quest, etc. All of the above gave me much confidence in this being a fun action packed B-movie with some (hopefully!) exciting fight scenes. Does Kill Em' All deliver is the question..?

Unfortunately, this isn't the "low-budget but super badass" Van Damme flick that I was hoping for, but it's worth rental if you still enjoy watching an older Van Damme kick dudes in the face. It's not particularly bad (for what it is), it's just not particularly good. This film doesn't really do anything we haven't seen before- it's fight scenes are pretty average and what you'd expect. Van Dammes stunt double is obviously younger (and has a slightly different haircut/fade) and pretty easy to notice. Van Damme still gets into the fight, but most of the high kicks are shot from behind and obviously a double (though not nearly as obvious as Steven Seagals have been for the past decade!). On top of all of this, the film doesn't have the budget to ever feel convincing- after the intro scene you never see a single doctor, nurse or patient in the 5 floors of hospital they are running and hiding through (not one!)?! Combined with a weak story and script, Kill Em' All doesn't have too much to praise.

On the upside, the action is consistent from start to finish, even if it's nothing spectacular. It was cool to see Van Damme fight his own son (Kris Van Damme) in this flick (though I was hoping for a more brutal or impressive fight scene between father and son) as well as 90's B-movie martial artist Daniel Bernhardt (star of Bloodsport 2-4). Peter Stormare (The Last Stand) and Maria Conceit Alonso (The Running Man) co-star as the two detectives trying to figure out where Van Dammes character has disappeared to and what exactly happened at the hospital.

Kill Em' All isn't particularly exciting or original, but it is a worthwhile rental if you (like me) enjoy low-budget action movies and still want to see Van Damme beat up the baddies. If you are a JCVD fan and haven't watched the Amazon pilot for Jean Claude Van Johnson (2016) then check that out immediately. If you're caught up with Van Dammes resume (or like low-budget 90's actioners) then it might be worth a rental (or watch on late-night cable TV) but otherwise you should probably look elsewhere.

Terrible acting from a poor cast following possibly the worst script of any action film (and that's saying a lot). It's just a really bad film. The acting is genuinely awful but that is largely down to cringeworthy writing. The plot has a deep background and it seems to have twists and monumental moments in parts, but these are unrecognisable as you're too far gone to even consider trying to follow what on earth is going on.

The sad thing is JCVD does nothing wrong, plus it seems that this film at least had a half decent budget. Even the choreography for the fights are bad, if you're hiring JCVD the least you need to do is utilise his martial arts abilities. Instead there's nothing special as he fights naff characters.

The reason I give this 3 is because it is actually a film, there is a (poor) beginning, leading to (an even worse) middle, and (equally terrible) ending (complete with someone taking off a wig (that looks like real hair) to reveal her natural hair (which is quite clearly a wig)). There is some semblance of a plot there, and really I feel bad for JCVD for being associated with this when he was given no chance of improving it.

My Ratings: Story 1.00 : Direction 1.00 : Pace 1.25 : Acting 1.25 : Entertaining 1.25 Total 5.75 out of 10

So here we go... a leave your brain at the door extravaganza. This is what the Kickboxer King does best. Though, this is not his best film by a longshot. It is, as always, a thoroughly enjoyable waste of time. Who doesn't enjoy watching the bad guys getting their arses well and truly... and literally... kicked.

This isn't your basic revenge story, it has a little backstory to it that differs a tad from the usual fodder. Maybe this is why it needed three writers. Philip's dad is killed by the bad men, and Phil, quite rightly, wants revenge. So he trains, gets into shape, learns to kill, and then... well, he joins the bad men. Wait a minute, doesn't this mean he has to be like them, thus in effect, becoming them? Oh sorry, forgot to take my brain out. That's better. Now don't think about it, just admire and enjoy the kick-arsery. YEAH.

However, when Phil makes his move, he messes up and gets shot. After arriving at the hospital via an ambulance - why didn't the bad men finish him off... oops, thinking again. His gang mates turn up to finish the job. Not at all concerned about it being a public hospital.

Luckily for Phil, there's nurse Suzy to tend to his boo-boos and fix him up enough to kick arse. There's even a female bad guy so Nurse Suzy can flex her muscles and not feel too left out in the foot-to-arse stakes.

Mostly, the direction is average, though Director Peter Malota does a nice job with the pacing. This slow to begin with but speeds up nicely when the action starts. There are a couple of sections where he slows it down to help the story and to give the viewers a breather.

The shame about the whole affair though is the acting. Now I have, nothing but respect for Peter Stormare, he is a great actor (can you sense a but coming (?)), but (yeah, there it is) he feels as though he's not too fussed to be there. Maybe he needed to pay the utility bills that month and was running short. Just wish he'd put more heart into it. Truthfully, most of the cast seems nonplussed and lacking in the characterisations department. Good job they make up for it in the punching, kicking, and gouging division. Though I will say, Daniel Bernhardt does a great job and both Autumn Reeser and Maria Conchita Alonso have their moments.

That said, the most entertaining scene of the whole film is the father and son fight between Mr and Master Van-Damme. They ought to thank god their family isn't a dysfunctional one. I would hate to see their drunken Friday night slugfest after an argument... I take that back, I would love to see it, and in this movie you do.

This isn't a masterpiece of filmmaking or storytelling, but it is so enjoyable that I would happily recommend this to all the fans of Martial Arts Action Films and to those wondering what the fuss is about. Grab a beer, disengage the brain, sit back, and enjoy. Cheers.

Please kick arse over to my The Game Is Afoot and Holding Out For A Hero lists to see where this slice of Van-Damage ranks. Hopefully, you may find your next viewing pleasure too.

Take Care & Stay Well,

I may not a hardcore fan of JCVD that follow him from the early day of Bloodsport but i still acknowledge him as a great martial art artist and a fine action hero in his own right.Nowadays with the booming of CGI action movie people tend to forgot how awesome trashy over the top action movie staring him look like and with this movie Kill'em All i dare to say yes that man can still kick ass.The plot of this movie is very Die Hard like but it have a very good twist but sadly been dumb down by a horrible script.JCVD charm is still there and despite his age his spinning kick is as strong as ever but for the rest of the cast......not so much.The only one tried to put out a solid action scene beside JCVD is not his son Kris but a actress i never heard before named Autumn Reeser which surprise me a lot.Please don't go to this movie with a mindset of a critic but a young 90s teen you will have a good time