Dickshark

This entire movie is in slow motion, and it's TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG.

I wanted to die after 5 minutes.

Right, well with a movie titled "Dickshark", then I have to say that I had absolutely zero expectations for this 2016 movie. I happened to stumble upon it by random chance, and opted to give the movie a chance, on the chance of it being a bizarre comedy.

I was wrong. Boy, how I was wrong. This movie is atrocious. It wasn't a comedy at all. This was a lewd low budget sleaze-fest of an adult movie. Yeah, nothing worthwhile to sit down here for. In fact, do yourself a favor and stay well clear of this dumpster fire of a movie from writer and director Bill Zebub.

The storyline in "Dickshark" was laughable, non-existing and just downright stupid. But then again, does sleazy movies really need a storyline? Well, it does if you were expecting it to be something quite different than what it turned out to be.

The acting performances in this movie, and I use the word "movie" with a grain of salt here, was amateurish, sluggish, wooden, rigid and not really worth watching. Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with a single performer on the cast list here, nor were I inspired to rush out to acquire other movies of anyone on the cast list here.

The special effects were non-existing. So don't get your hopes up.

Bad production, bad acting, bad writing and bad cinematography hardly constitutes a proper movie.

My rating of "Dickshark" from writer and director Bill Zebub lands on a one out of ten stars. This is definitely one of the worst movies I have stumbled upon in a long, long time.

The best thing about this movie ... well is the poster and maybe the tag line. It's actually a shame, because there are things here that you could find funny - if you are in the right mood. Like the director making fun of himself and the nudity this contains and the "erotic movie" genre (with or without horror elements) ... I would not call it acting what you see - but there are some hidden gems in some of the dialog scenes.

The real issue is the other stuff. Well at least for me. I reckon if you are into Heavy Metal you can at least enjoy the music/soundtrack to a degree. That the effects would not have any kind of standard ... I expected that. I can only assume that another reviewer is trolling who praises this ... or anything at all. Also I "only" watched the 2.5 hourse cut and am surprised to read there is an even longer cut here ... I will not watch that under any circumstances ... I'd advice you to save time too.

(Barely)

"I'm not cuckoo for Dicksharks!"

Ok. I think it's time to admit defeat here. I am breaking up with Dickshark. I have tried time and time again to love this film. Some day a good movie named Dickshark will be made and we can all forget about the wretched existence of this stinky putrid movie. Maybe I'm meant to create that movie? Is that why I have seen Dickshark six bonking times now?

I'm not trying to be too mean here. I followed the Kickstarter of this thing and even Bill himself admitted that this cut was insane and deranged and should not really be, but there was a demand for it. And I contributed to that. So I'm very, very sorry.

I think 3 hour Dickshark was already asking way too much of any audience. It's a good 90 minute movie, but the problem is that Bill doesn't seem to understand which parts of his movies are good. Every subsequent edit I've seen has removed all of the humor in favor of naked women. Now I blankly love seeing a naked lady as much as anyone else, but come on man... when you so proudly proclaim on the back of your DVD that "NO this is not p-rn. P-rn does not look like this. If you equate nudity with pornography then you are immature." then you're gonna have to give me a reason why anyone would watch 20+ minutes of slow motion close-up p-ssy shots unless they wanted to tack off to it. I'm sorry I'm just not buying it!

I've said more than any normal person would say about a movie like this and I already anticipate the comments here:

"AGAIN?!" "STOP LOGGING DICKSHARK!" "IM SO TIRED OF SEEING YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK!!!"

Look I understand but I just went through hours of mental torment and you are going to hear about it ok!

As expected, in stretching this out to an impossible 7 hours, the majority of the film is comprised of the slow motion nudity bits set to Bill's favorite metal songs. Some of the dialogue scenes are also extended but they're mainly bloopers or bad takes - this, to be fair, is kind of cute. It could certainly be the brain rot this inflicted on me but I did laugh many times. Except none of that matters because for every time I laughed, I wanted to cry, vomit, piss, and stab myself five times over during the duration of this.

I mean there was physical PAIN. My brain was sizzling inside of my skull. It is currently burnt n crispy.

The last 15 minutes are just nature videos. Not related to dicks or sharks or dicksharks or even naked women. Just waterfalls and birds flying around. Goodness.

I honestly have nothing else to say but I think this thing should be studied and maybe used as a torture device.

Let's just call this movie what is and that's porn And not very good porn at that I might add I kinda of expected you might get one partially nude shot and some cutaway sex scenes I guess I was thinking along the lines of dumb fun Like some of the Amityville movies that have gone public domain or other movies along that line This is the first time in a long time I shut off a movie after 10 minutes and that's not something I normally do I will usually sit through a movie no matter how much I dislike it

I'm not sure what I expected But this wasn't it If I wanted to see this kinda movie I'd go to Pornhub instead and probably have a much better time.