HotToastyRag

"You're a corker, Shannon. Aye, what a corker you are," Tom Cruise grins to his offscreen bride and onscreen love interest, Nicole Kidman, in Far and Away. Every woman in the audience swoons, wishes Nicole didn't exist, and hopes they can get someone half as cute, half as passionate, and half as devoted. Every woman will be disappointed.

This Ron Howard helmed epic has all the makings of a classic, which is why it's become a staple the past thirty years. Has anyone not seen it? My fellow Irish-Americans have probably watched it more times than they can count. It starts off in the Old Country, and when Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise immigrate to the United States, they face all the usual challenges our ancestors faced. In a way, the movie checks all the boxes, but it doesn't feel cheesy - because it's true! There were terrible people who swindled naïve newcomers out of their life savings. There was Irish prejudice, difficulty finding work, and poverty. Factory sweatshops were terrible, and many unskilled men felt they had no other way to make money than to use their fists. The "fighting Irish" wasn't just a baseless nickname. And finally, there was the great Oklahoma land rush. In a way, the story tells itself. It's as if you gathered a bunch of Irish-Americans in a bar and asked them to tell stories of their ancestors coming to this country.

Far and Away is a classic epic, an unforgettable love story, and a perfect movie to watch on St. Patrick's Day. If, somehow, you've let this movie pass you by the past thirty years, what are you waiting for?

DLM Warning: If you suffer from vertigo or dizzy spells, like my mom does, this movie might not be your friend. In the beginning when Tom Cruise's father dies, the camera spins in a circle as it rises in the air. This camera technique is repeated again in the final scene, and that will make you sick. In other words, "Don't Look, Mom!"

The beginning of Dead Calm is totally unnecessary. It could have started with the main couple sailing on their boat, for a romantic getaway or to soothe marital problems. There was no point in showing their little boy fly through the windshield during a car accident. It didn't apply to the rest of the story, and it didn't add to either of the characters' personal struggles. Dead Calm is a cheap thriller; it's not a tragic recovery story of two parents who have lost their only child. The rest of the story doesn't even reference the child or the accident. Why include that set-up?

We'll never know. But if you're in the mood for a cheap thriller with a ton of beefcake and cheesecake to lure in the audience, it's quite entertaining. I'm pretty sure Billy Zane doesn't ever put on a shirt, and Nicole Kidman constantly and gratuitously flashes her legs around. Poor Sam Neill doesn't get any opportunity to be sexy, although he certainly can be when allowed in other films. He spends most of the time trapped on a different boat, fully clothed. Although he starts off trying to heal Nicole from her grief, they soon rescue Billy from a so-called shipwreck, and when Sam doesn't believe his story, he leaves his bereaved (and scantily clad) wife alone with an untrustworthy (and scantily clad) stranger to explore Billy's sinking ship.

So, as you can tell, it's not the greatest story. But is anyone really watching it for the story? Probably not. If you think Nicole Kidman in her "infant phase" is cute, with her wild perm and baby fat still in her cheeks (or if you think Marisa Tomei should have picked Billy Zane in Only You), you'll probably want to at least try this one. Sam Neill fans need not apply. It's just not his movie. But it was very nice of him to lend his name and star power to help out a fellow Australian get a break on the big screen.

DLM Warning: If you suffer from vertigo or dizzy spells, like my mom does, this movie might not be your friend. There are many bobbing camera movements on the boat, the opening scene has a circling camera shot, and when Sam Neill explores the boat, there are some flashing lights, and that will make you sick. In other words, "Don't Look, Mom!" Kiddy Warning: Obviously, you have control over your own children. However, due to an upsetting scene involving a child, an upsetting scene involving an animal, I wouldn't let my kids watch it. Also, there may or may not be a rape scene.

What happens when you merge The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, and The Devil at 4 O'Clock? You get Paul Newman, William Holden, Red Buttons, and Ernest Borgnine, in a disaster movie about a volcanic explosion. Except, it's not very good. You can just stick with the original three if you're looking for a good time.

Amid the supporting cast are Jacqueline Bisset, James Franciscus, Valentina Cortese, Edward Albert, Barbara Carrera, Pat Morita, and Burgess Meredith. Seriously, though, you don't have to sit through this one. Not all disaster movies are fantastic. Sure, you'll get to see some special effects and scary scenes involving lava, but it's just such a copy of all its predecessors, it doesn't keep you invested. There are the old fogies who talk about their grandkids, the love triangle, the noble hero, people who refuse to face the seriousness of the situation, and all the other tropes you're expecting to find. I love Paul Newman, but I'm sure he was frustrated at having to walk through this movie. At least he got far better quality flicks later for the rest of the 1980s.