berkerj

Rented this stinkaroo thinking we had something along the lines of "Garden State" or a Woody Allenesque view of life. But the thing about Woody and Zach Braff, who wrote "Garden State," those guys actually tossed in some real comedy. I thought I was watching a philosophy thesis paper come-to-life written by someone on a bad acid trip. For nearly two hours, screaming matches and debates over the same themes: Life is meaningless ... but so what if life is meaningless ... we are nothing ... we are something ... just live your life because tomorrow we die. And of course, an occasional gross-out scene to keep us interested. I am of the firm belief that no one really liked this movie. It's one of those films that pseudo-intellectuals have to pretend they liked so they can tell their other pseudo-intellectual friends, "Yeah, I got it!" Give me "Napolean Dynamite" any day. Better yet, give me "Annie Hall," "Love and Death" or "Zelig" any day. Woody Allen? I get him.

This is how my wife and I rang in New Years Day 2005. We visited friends, very dear friends, who had decided to rent "Anchorman" after being reliably informed that "Anchorman" starts off slowly but gets really, really funny as it goes on. By the end we could expect to be so hysterical that we'd be falling out of our seats, rolling around the floor like fish out of water.

So we sat there, popped some corn, cracked open sodas and nestled in for what we expected to be nothing special but, hey, have a laugh, enjoy it for what it is -- just a silly little comedy. I didn't expect Shakespeare, Scorsese or Spielberg. I expected to be mildly amused every once in a while. That's all I wanted.

About 90 minutes later, I realized two things: One, I had just seen without rival the single worst motion picture I have ever seen. Two, I will never get that 90 minutes back.

Some movies are so dreadful they're almost worth seeing to witness how bad a movie could be. "Anchorman" does not even fall into that dubious category.

***Spoilers*** It's my firm belief that no one who sees more than one movie every five years could possibly have found the rumble scene -- with A-list actors making cameos -- the slightest bit funny. A dog getting kicked off the side of a bridge? Ron Burgundy arguing with the clubowner who's trying to make him eat cat doo-doo? Baxter the little dog talking to the grizzly bear at the zoo? Here's an example, it was shown in subtitles.... Baxter:On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends. Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. From now on, you will be known as Baxter, Friend to Bears. Go in peace. Baxter: I will spread tales of your compassion.

It's one big drawn-out improv sketch -- all entirely too long and all completely humor-free. "Anchorman" was the comedic version of your local Halloween haunted house. A bunch of people dress in scary outfits, make scary noises and jump out from every corner and yell BOO! We're startled, taken aback for minute, but not really frightened. In "Anchorman", a bunch of actors provide the audience with comedy's version of BOO! They shock us with some loud noise or a crude joke or a cat-poop reference, and some really clever dialogue from a dog. It might amuse the feeble-minded for a second, but everyone knows this oinker really isn't the slightest bit funny.

I might upgrade it to two only because Christina Applegate was looking mighty fine.

And there I was, all excited and hopeful that someone would make a decent film based on one of my all-time favorites. How could it be worse than "Exorcist II, The Heretic." Guess what: That was Oscar-caliber compared to this profoundly horrible waste of two hours that I'll never get back. It's hard to believe anyone actually thought this movie was worthwhile. Even if you're a fan of gory, gratuitous violence, how about at least making it look real? I actually said to myself when those hyenas showed up, "Wow, a group of computer-generated, fake hyenas." The movie is strewn with computer-generated, fake creepy things. The swarming flies were particularly laughable. If you see it, you'll know what I mean. Aside from that, this movie failed to provide a single spooky moment. The occasional loud noise was as startling and effective as my sister jumping from behind the wall and yelling "boo!" back when we were kids. Save your money. There are so many better things to do with $8.50. Tossing it out the car window would have at least made the finder happy.