Fox in Socks

The DVD case uses the phrase "Final Fantasy" twice, and they're not kidding - moody photogenic youths with perfect windswept hair, a tragic love triangle, outrageous swords, and even a character called Cloud. The starting and closing credits are cut-scenes as well.

It's all good though. The film looks gorgeous, has some beautiful set pieces and is very entertaining. Enjoy the trip, this is for people who enjoyed Zu Warriors.

A couple of points points - you'll have to be a bit tolerant of Canto-pop if you watch the extended version. Also, fight fans be warned, this is about special effects not choreography, so if you're looking for some fancy moves get a Jet Li movie instead.

There are really only 3 reasons to watch this: Michael Jai White has some quality screen time; Kiana Tom is quite gorgeous except for her dismal second incarnation, and this film has the most hilariously gratuitous T & A sequence since Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder hid out in the poledancing club in Stir Crazy.

Actually I quite like Van Damme - he makes martial arts look attainable. You can go to your classes and think "I'll never be as good as Jet Li, the guy's superhuman. But I might just get as good as Van Damme someday."

I have never seen a film so self-conscious and vain about itself. So let me guess, it raises questions about self and ego while hilariously lampooning the egos of stars and obsession with immortality.

No, not really. It's a laboured effort that tries too desperately hard to be weird, and exists only to give critics and armchair philosophers an excuse to feel smug about themselves or laugh at the film industry in-jokes. If you want existentialism, stick to Ingmar Bergman or even David Cronenberg.

But wait, it has moments. Charlie Sheen playing himself is actually quite funny. The cast generally are good, but unlikable, which means you don't care what happens to them or the story.

Don't let it kid you. There's no intellectualism and no satire here.