cjlines

A woman (Nadja Brand) wakes up in a coffin, with a razor blade sewn into her intestines. Once it's removed, she finds herself chained up in a wood and kept prisoner by unnamed man who proceeds to torture her, physically and mentally, until she is, as the title suggests, broken. If 90+ minutes of women screaming and being abused sounds like your idea of fun then, for Christ's sake, don't encourage these sad tendencies by watching films like this, get yourself some professional help! Even ignoring the questionable subject matter (and the fact that it never actually leads to any substantial denouement), the film is bad bad bad. It's under-scripted (it plays like a 10 minute short dragged painfully into full-length), it's over-directed, it's abysmally shot on graceless digital video, it's slow, it's repetitive, it's riddled with continuity errors, it displays no attention to detail and it's completely illogical (ie: how is Brand's make-up so immaculately applied after 40 days of being tortured in a forest?). This is horror made exclusively by and for mentally stunted sociopaths and represents the absolute nadir of the genre for the rest of us. Avoid at all costs. I'm serious.

One of the many things I love about DVD, as a medium, is the way that so many wonderful films that never got the video release they so richly deserved have being unearthed from the vaults and unleashed on the viewing public - usually a public that can't even remember them from the first time round at that.

One such forgotten gem is Ray Brady's "Boy Meets Girl" (1994, UK) which although responsible for huge amounts of controversy upon its theatrical release (BBFC not liking its subject matter, for some reason!), never seems to get mentioned by many folk any more. Luckily, after being banned on video in the UK since its inception, it got a nicely put-together R2 DVD release in 2002 so now there's no excuse for having not seen this terrifying slice of thought-provoking brutality...

The film begins, as the title suggests, when Boy Meets Girl in that all-too-familiar setting of a divey little bar somewhere. Girl is French, quite the 'randy little tart' it seems, so Boy thinks he's struck lucky, especially when she takes him back to her flat, plies him with wine and asks if he'd like to watch some porn with her. It's all very exciting but after a glass of wine he starts to feel a bit woozy and ... oops! Quicker than you can say "she drugged your drink, dude!", Boy wakes up to find he is in a small room with black walls, strapped into a dentist's chair. Girl is not actually French at all. She's also not particularly nice either. Bad things ensue. VERY bad things... and she wants to film it all.

I'd love to tell you more, because the way I've put it probably makes it sound like one of the "Guinea Pig" films (which it's quite a far cry from!), but I also don't want to spoil the plot for you. I WILL however go as far as to say, the entire thing takes place in the black room with minimal cast members (which all lends it quite a 'theatrical' feel), so major cred points distributed all round for creating such a continuously tense and edgy atmosphere that keeps you guessing and utterly engrossed right up until the final few grotesque scenes.

There are so many things in this deeply unusual film's favour that enable it to be so effective. The direction, despite an obvious shoestring budget, manages to be stylish and taut, using camera trickery and plot-contextual switching between film and video to keep things looking lively. The acting is surprisingly strong, considering the relative obscurity of the cast members. Danielle Sanderson (sadly never seen in anything else) is nothing short of unforgettable, playing her unstable character with a disarming mix of light and dark. One minute she's soothing, sensual, almost maternal and the next she's positively fearsome, spewing forth verbal bile with the maniacal savagery. It would be so easy for some of her dialogue to be delivered with a large side order of ham, but Sanderson makes her character believable through the intensity of her performance. I *really* wish she'd made other films. It's tragic to think of such an incredible talent being wasted.

Of course, what REALLY makes this movie is the razor-sharp script, unpredictable and surprisingly complexed as it is. On top of its constant heartfelt assaults on the (at the time very hot) topic of violence in media, it relishes in playing with your mind and your personal politics, when it comes to morality. The lines between good and evil, right and wrong, continually shift (along with the viewer's sympathies). It's almost disorientating, the way the characterisations manipulate perceptions of what's going on and, by the time the plot reaches its ferociously visceral climax, the impact is made all the greater, because you're being made to THINK about what's going on instead of just watching it through zombified, desensitised eyes.

"Boy Meets Girl" is one of the more genuinely disturbing films I've seen. Obviously being creeped out by the movies is a very subjective, personal thing but, like I say, this one definitely did it for me. The closest comparisons I could make would be to place it in a similar category to "Man Bites Dog" or "Audition". Fiercely original, darkly comic at times but ultimately very harrowing indeed.

Overall Rating: A no-budget 9.5 out of 10.

"Gin chap hak mooi gwai" (or "The Proteges of the Black Rose") is the latest directorial offering from Donnie Yen, who's probably best known this side of the world for being the fight choreographer on "Blade 2" and the likes. It's his take on the popular Rose Noir superhero myth. Here, Rose (played by HK comedienne Teresa Mo) is presented as an aging, delusional hasbeen with a split personality and a pathological hatred of men. She lives in a huge gothic mansion accompanied only by a robot called Jacket who has been programmed to castrate men on sight, using a huge pair of shears it has strapped to its front.

The plot begins with Rose, in a rare moment of lucidity, realising that she's over-the-hill for a superheroine and deciding she needs a protege to carry on this line of work for her.

Enter ubercute Cantonese pop duo The Twins (Gillian Chung and Charlene Choi, whom this film is basically a star vehicle for). Gillian plays Gill, a gifted and intense psychology student prone to violent episodes and random outbursts of kung-fu if anyone ever dares use her last name while talking to her. Charlene is Sandy, a perky young thing who believes herself to be an alien from a planet where everyone looks like the Teletubbies. She lives in and out of single Mum shelters, even though she has no children, claiming that on her planet everyone is called Mum...

Both girls lose their homes on the same day and meet each other by chance while flathunting. As they skip down the street and decide they're going to be great friends, they come across Rose's "Protege Wanted" ad and decide to visit the gothic mansion to apply for the job. After setting them a couple of traps, which the girls somehow find their way out of, Rose decides they are worthy successors and begins a vigourous training course that includes lots of costume changes, a gratuitous bubble bath, some amazingly weird magic pills and potions (including the Tricky Capsule (easily the funniest scene in the film!)) and a lengthy, side-splitting pastiche of Jackie Chan in "Drunken Master".

Add to this mix an accident-prone taxi driver called Jim Lo (Ekin Cheung - playing his now customary hapless goofball) who falls in love with Sandy, then top it all off with a supervillain called Miss LavenCam who is terrorising the city with the help of a rogue fashion model and a schoolgirl with mean kung-fu skills, and you've got yourself a recipe for... ...well, one complete mess, to be honest! But it's such a colourful, wildly ridiculous mess that I couldn't help but enjoy it. The production values are surprisingly good, with some wacky over-the-top set/costume designs, sharply directed fight choreography and lively camerawork throughout. I can't really fault the film for trying but I'd warn anyone considering watching it that they need a very high Nonsense Tolerance if they want to make it through the whole thing. Please don't expect it to actually make sense by the end. Also, I should mention to tread carefully as there is a musical number involved and it's sang almost to the tune of "Silent Night". Sadly, Jacket The Robot is the only main cast member to not get involved in the singing...

All in all though, "Gin chap hak mooi gwai" is a painless, inoffensive and often very amusing way to pass 90 minutes or so of your life and, I guarantee that, in almost every scene, you won't see what's coming until it happens... If you can't raise at least one smile by the end of the film, you should check to see if you even have a pulse left.

Overall Score: A timekilling and oddly endearing 6.5 out of 10.

[NOTE: As a bonus for those with masochistic tendencies, there are some torturous 'Engrish' subtitles on the Universe R3 DVD release of this film which make it an even more surreal experience than it's supposed to be. For example, the statement "Compared with those munta you're the best one" is responded to with an equally novel "mutton? yammy yammy!" and my favourite subtitle in the movie has to be "Boss, you picking rubbish again? You become a rich by picking rubbish". Yes, it's painful to read...]