Logan-22

I watched the original 1978 Patrick for the first time the other day to prepare for the remake. It was rather boring, but had that certain vague 1970s creepy charm that kept me from turning it off. I watched the 2013 remake today and was equally bored. Production values are higher this time, but this version is full of stupid CGI and annoying false scares punctuated by a shrill, awful soundtrack.

The cast are OK, although the original 1978 actor who played Patrick was far superior than the new guy who looks like a gay male model. Charles Dance is normally a wonderful actor but given nothing to do beyond a bland rehash of every other villain he's ever played. Rachel Griffiths is horribly boring as the Matron (as with Patrick himself, the 1978 original actor was much better and creepier).

The script is the main problem, just like the threadbare original. The idea of a comatose telekinetic pervert possessed by erotomania for his nurse is an interesting idea, but it's never fully developed. There's too much else going on that takes away from that relationship.

To be honest, I saw the 1980 Italian pseudo-sequel, Patrick Still Lives (aka Patrick Vive Ancora), a few years ago, and I found that ridiculous gorefest much more fun than either the original or remake. It's worth a watch just for the levitating fireplace poker scene! Another Italian film that rips off Patrick (and is full of gore) is Lucio Fulci's Aenigma.

Loved the original movie, hate this new series. It's supposed to be a vampire show, but there are no vampires in the first episode, and barely any in the second. And then it turns out they aren't even vampires, but some kind of weird Aztec snake demon cult. The scripts suck. There's way too much filler, often in the form of flashbacks. The whole "time manipulation" gimmick has run its course (Banshee, I'm looking at you). It's lazy writing. There's way too much talking and not enough action, sex, or horror. No idea who would like this drivel. After two episodes, I'm done. Maybe it gets better, but it's taking way too long to get there. Also annoyed it's a remake instead of prequel or sequel or some other thematic continuation with new characters.

Like Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez hasn't done anything cool in a long time (nothing since Planet Terror, and before that, The Faculty). Instead, he just turns out more self-absorbed, ego-driven nonsense (Once Upon A Time In Mexico) and lame little kid money grabs like the dreadful Spy Kids franchise. I respect his business savvy and independent spirit, but as far as his once-bright talent goes, the bulb keeps getting dimmer . . .

I read the trilogy (which was nothing special and kept getting more annoying each sequel), but at least the first book had some kind of * something * to it. The movie sucks. It is boring and there is very little action (and what little there was is over too fast and not very thrilling). The violence is sanitized with the only real blood being when Four nicks Tris's ear with a knife toss. The two most horrifying scenes in the book are not even included: the attempted rape of Tris by Peter's gang and the transfer girl who jumps from the train and misses the Dauntless rooftop to splat on the street below. Tris doesn't have a "save the cat" moment early on and provides no real reason to ever like her.

The story takes too long to get going, then the training goes on forever, only to have the ending feel rushed. Not once did I feel anyone's life was in danger. Not once did I perceive any credible romantic chemistry between Tris and Four. Not once did I laugh, cry, or feel anything but bored. And it goes on for two and a half hours! Ugh. Sure, the production values are high, but who cares if I can't relate to any of the characters or the story? It's just a dumb waste of time. I didn't hate it (only because I scored a free ticket), but have no desire to watch the sequels.

However, I'm glad Divergent made a bunch of money opening weekend to pave the way for other YA books to be adapted into films, but they need to do a better job. The reason all the recent YA adaptations tanked at the box office is because they sucked (Vampire Academy, Beautiful Creatures, City of Bones). The only decent one I can remember was Warm Bodies.