- Johnny Carson: Let me tell you about Burbank - it's exactly like Philadelphia, but without the excitement of cream cheese.
- Johnny Carson: [on Jimmy Carter's election by the Electoral College] He is officially, I guess, the 39th President of the United States. And what that means is - from now on, Billy Carter will have... will have round-the-clock Secret Service protection for his six-pack.
- Doc Severinsen: [on Johnny buying perfume for his teenage girlfriend] Did you get your money's worth?
- Johnny Carson: I went for the $9.50, got my girl the Evening in Paris; well, I did not have an evening in Paris. Slow night in Norfolk was what it was.
- Johnny Carson: [on Richard Pryor's jail term for tax evasion] Didn't you declare everything? Or did you take the deductions?
- Richard Pryor: I told the judge - I said, "Your Honor, I forgot." You know... He said, "You'll remember next year."