- Anthony: Danny would not say something like that, because he's Irish. And Irish kids develop later, okay? They don't think about sex till they're, like, 25.
- Mary Ellen: Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
- Anthony: It's a biology fact, Mary Ellen, okay. Read a fuckin' book.
- Mary Ellen: "Biology fact."
- Anthony: Okay look, first it's Hispanic guys, obviously, then the Black guys, then the Italians, then the French, and then the Irish, all right? And then, probably, like the Asians eventually.
- Mary Ellen: Oh my God, when you join the Navy their collective IQ is gonna drop like 25 points. You're gonna sink our ships.
- Anthony: Hey, if you're love with me, just say you're love with me.
- Danny Campbell: I feel like you're the kind of girl that wants to marry me, but not kiss me.
- Krystal Manicucci: Well, I feel like you're the kind of guy that wants to kiss me, but doesn't want to marry me.
- Danny Campbell: What if we try to be different kinds of people for one night.
- Krystal Manicucci: Okay.
- [the begin kissing]
- Krystal Manicucci: You know we're not having sex, right?
- Danny Campbell: Oh, I couldn't. I'd be thinking about your dad the whole time.
- Griffith: I promised your mom I'd try to scare the crap out of you, 'cause she cuts me a deal on my Valtrex. But honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I'd fuckin' ride, man. I would ride the fuckin' bike every fuckin' day of my life. Okay? Okay? You feel me.
- [fist bump]
- Griffith: No regrets. No regrets. Except the herpes. That I would not do all over again. So put a hat on your bat. Okay? Put a condom on your penis. Right? And I'm watching "Aladdin" in the other room if you're interested. Starting it now.
- Danny Campbell: Hey, if you guys are going to have sex in the pool, can you at least do it over by the filters...
- Frank Gomes: Sinners!
- [first lines]
- Danny Campbell: [narrating] I grew up in Staten Island New York. It might not sound like it, but I did. For those of you who don't know, Staten Island is like Brooklyn and New Jersey had a baby. A baby that would up to be either a cop, or a fireman. And you know, some how it gets a bad rap, but really it's just like any other suburb. I mean, sure it looks like this
- [tightly packed houses]
- Danny Campbell: , and this
- [store fronts]
- Danny Campbell: . But what most people don't realize is that Staten Island also looks like this
- [ocean front properties]
- Danny Campbell: , and this
- [moored yachts]
- Danny Campbell: .
- Danny Campbell: And for me, every single summer since I was old enough to remember looked like this, the Great Kill Swim Club. This is where I spent every waking hour of my summers. From 8 AM swim practice, 'til they threw us out at night, this is where I found friendship. This is where I tasted victory and defeat. Where I fell in love. And it's where I had the best job in the history of the world. I was a lifeguard.
- Frank Gomes: The staff party is this Saturday. And you know what? Danny, it means a lot - to me. I have been laying track with Rachel all summer. And she's finally into me, and I think I'm gonna S the D.
- Danny Campbell: Suck the Dick?
- Frank Gomes: What? No. Seal the Deal.
- Danny Campbell: Why don't you just say that?
- Frank Gomes: Because it's a shorter way - it doesn't matter. Okay? The staff party is the culmination of the entire summer. It's basically summer prom. And you know what happens at prom, Danny? Girls S the D.
- Danny Campbell: Seal the Deal.
- Frank Gomes: Suck the Dick! Are you not listening? It's like a milestone in their lives. It's like the moon landing. But instead of a pole going into the ground, it's our dicks going into them.
- Frank Gomes: Danny, if you had half the game with younger women that you do with older women, you'd be - layin' it *down*.
- Danny Campbell: I talk to women our age.
- Frank Gomes: I'm sorry? Women our age? I don't know any "women our age". I know a bunch of girls. See, that vocabulary you have. You're wearing a giant sign that says, "I'm a virgin."
- Danny Campbell: As opposed to you.
- Frank Gomes: Technically, I had half of my tip inside Megan O'Reilly before her fucking cat attacked me. Okay?
- Anthony: You know, the best part is, dude, she had a kid, like, a year ago, man. She's still fuckin' stacked. It's incredible.
- Rachel: So, hey, are you guys going to the staff party on Saturday?
- Frank Gomes: Ooh. Staff party. Uh, Danny's not, 'cause he's going to Orlando to get his vagina enlarged, but - I will be there.
- Danny Campbell: I'm pretty sure that Anthony was sculpted right out of a suburban mom's sex fantasy.
- Ms. Greeley: Ladies, I brought lunch. Doctors say you don't get the benefits of wine until the third glass.
- Danny Campbell: She's perfect.
- Frank Gomes: Oh, my God. She was saying the same thing about you, in your dreams, when you were jerking off to her. Remember? You made a little mess on your tum-tum?
- Frank Gomes: This is about Danny banging someone decent before he goes off to Monsters University.
- Anthony: What I don't understand is, why you need a party - to get laid. Why don't you just - go out and just bang something?
- Mary Ellen: Yeah, you say that because you hook up with *moms*. Moms don't need a party to have sex. They need a glass of shitty wine.
- Mary Ellen: Ms. Greeley, I am worried maybe you've had, like, a little too much to drink - forever. We're breaking a lot of rules. We have lifeguards drinking. There's glass by the pool.
- Ms. Greeley: Oh, my God. What are you, the wine police?
- Anthony: Yeah.
- Ms. Greeley: What are you going to do, arrest me?
- Anthony, Ms. Greeley: Boo! Aah!
- Mary Ellen: Anthony, would you say you have a big dick?
- Frank Gomes: Sorry that took so long. I got distracted on my phone. I was playing a new game.
- Danny's Mom: Oh, yeah? What's that, Frank?
- Frank Gomes: Oh! It's like Whac-A-Mole, but with penises and glory holes. And you just, like, whack the penis back into the glory hole, so it doesn't - it doesn't, you know...
- Danny's Mom: I understand.
- Danny Campbell: Well, if Krystal was so crazy, why'd you let her babysit me?
- Danny's Dad: Because her father's a psychopath. You know that they're...
- Danny's Dad, Danny's Mom: Mafia.
- Danny's Mom: We were afraid if we didn't hire his daughter, we were gonna wind up buried in a landfill next to Dustin Hoffman.
- Danny's Dad: Well, Jimmy Hoffa.
- Krystal Manicucci: It's horrible. My mom decided she was going to start redecorating. Everything is marble. Oh, yeah, and there's a painting of Frank Sinatra on the cross like he's Jesus.
- Danny Campbell: That's a really complicated image.
- Frank Gomes: Oh, fuck, it's an actual biker. That guys looks like he has a tattoo of Satan on his 12-inch dick.
- Anthony: Snacks, huh? Hey, Frank, how's that diet going, huh?
- Frank Gomes: Diet's going great. I ate kale out of your mom's pussy last night.
- Danny Campbell: You get Magnums?
- Frank Gomes: No, but she thinks I use them.
- Danny Campbell: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Frank Gomes: Okay. I buy Magnums and I buy regular ones. I open up the Magnum package, take out the condom, put in a regular size condom and reseal it.
- Danny Campbell: Are you psychotic?
- Frank Gomes: No! I'm a genius, Danny. I have a very average dick. I'm rolling six deep, maybe. It's not big. But the second that girl sees a golden ticket, she's gonna be like, "Whoa, this guy has a baseball bat." And it doesn't even matter, because everything feels the same in the dark.
- Officer Greg: Fuck, man. So, wassup? We got a party? You want liquor, I know. I got to ask. Everyone who's drinking, they 21? Right? Wink. I'm fuckin' with you. Always fuckin' with you. Never forget it.
- Officer Greg: All right, all right, all right. You're under arrest for bein' *gay*. No, I'm fucking with you. That's legal now. Wassup, you bitch?
- Mrs. Bandini Jr.: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! That's a kid boner!
- Frank Gomes: No, no, no. It's not a kid boner.
- Mrs. Bandini Jr.: I know a kid boner when I see a kid boner, you freak. Creep!
- Dolores: Cheap? I'm cheap? I'll give you something for free. Screw you and screw all your jerkoff lifeguard friends. I'd rather take all my food and put it in the trash and burn it, rather than give it to you pricks. Okay?
- Frank Gomes: So you sell, umm, drugs?
- Konko: Oh, because I'm black, I sell drugs.
- Frank Gomes: No. I did not say that. I heard a rumor that all ice cream men, regardless of race, sold drugs.
- Frank Gomes: I hope you have a great time at Harvard and you make something of yourself. Because I'm gonna go rot in my parents' basement.
- Danny Campbell: If I want to ride a motorcycle, I will. Okay. It's a perfectly viable life skill.
- Danny's Mom: No, it is not, Danny. It is a death skill, that's what it is. A death - skill.
- Konko: I'm telling you, Osama Bin Laden had this dog. Right? Best friend in the entire fucking world. And our military was able to go in, kidnap the dog, bring it back to the US, teach the motherfucker how to speak English, and that's how they found out where Osama Bin Laden was hiding. What? You don't believe me?
- Danny Campbell: I'm not going to Disney World! You know why? Because normal adults go places that are interesting. Like England. Or France.
- Danny's Dad: Well, for your information, we're going to England. *And* France. It's called EPCOT f-ing Center!
- Officer Greg: All right, all right, let's see some IDs.
- Officer Wankel: Yeah, let's see some I Double-Ds.
- Ms. Greeley: Wow. They should call you UPS, because you are carrying a package.
- Chuck: Thank you. I come from a long line of big penises. My dad had a big dick, and my grandpa before him, and his father before him supposedly a very big dick as well.
- Anthony: Holy shit. Who are you?
- Mary Ellen: Shut up.
- Anthony: Nah, you look great. It's kind of nice. You have a lot of cleavage out.
- Anthony: This is my buddy, Danny. He's totally cool. He's my friend.
- Officer Greg: I feel like these guys are...
- Officer Wankel: Like the gay versions of us?
- Frank Gomes: What are you gonna do?
- Skootch: Probably just gonna stroll home. Finish this beer. Beyond that, I have no idea.
- Krystal Manicucci: I would kill to get off this island.
- Danny Campbell: You can't leave. You're the Queen of Staten Island.
- Krystal Manicucci: Do you know how horrible that sounds? I mean, would you want to be the King of New Jersey?
- Danny Campbell: I would, but they keep electing Bruce Springsteen.
- Officer Greg: Go back to partying. That's correct. Teenagers, please resume your drinking. And a party it is.
- Anthony: You okay?
- Ms. Greeley: Kinky.
- Anthony: I'm gonna be - right back, okay?
- Ms. Greeley: Oh, you better be. Because I got a sitter for tonight.
- Anthony: Right.
- Ms. Greeley: You - sittin' on this.
- [points to her mouth]
- Anthony: Wow, okay...
- Ms. Greeley: Balls on the bull's-eye.
- Mary Ellen: Bye, Danny. You know what? Give it a while before you tell anyone at Harvard you're from Staten Island. Okay?
- [last lines]
- Danny Campbell, Danny's Mom, Danny's Dad: [singing in unison] To Harvard we will go. Hi ho the merry-o, to Harvard we will go. Hey!