Dark Minds

Sometimes a television show comes along that is so very bad that not only do you want to smash your television, you want to have the electricity supply cut off from your house so you never have a reason to buy another television. Well look no further. Dark Minds is that show. Let me save you the torture of watching it by giving you a quick synopsis.

Book author with annoying tuft of hair below his bottom lip and absolutely no qualifications for investigating crime decides he can solve unsolved murders, some from 40 years ago.

Author interviews actual police and detectives and tells them what they have been doing wrong. They smile politely so that they get to watch themselves on TV with their families later on, then no doubt ridicule the guy as soon as the cameras are switched off.

Incarcerated serial killer (who we all secretly suspect is a paid actor) has the code name 'Thirteen', presumably based on the IQ of the person who decided that making this television show was a good idea.

'Thirteen', when given a case file for a victim who was stabbed 76 times, 'ummms' and 'ahhhs' for a short while and then offers pearls of wisdom such as 'I think your guy likes stabbing' before suddenly signing off with 'That's it'. Every. Single. Time.

Majority of the episode is taken up by Author wandering aimlessly around with a clipboard, sometimes glancing emotionally at the camera while slightly tilting his head, while his own voice over tells us that it's sad when people get murdered and how if he could find the killer, he wouldn't be as sad any more.

Episode wraps up either with absolutely no progress being made towards solving the crime, or us finding out that law enforcement has actually now found another suspect, with absolutely no assistance from anyone associated with this train wreck of an alleged television show.

The jury is in, and the verdict is that this show is guilty of being an absolute waste of time for everyone involved.

True crime falls into two basic categories: the somber, detailed, respectful type that places its emphasis on the events and the victims - and the loud, percussive, sensationalist type that focuses on the presenter. Dark Minds falls hard into the latter pigeonhole. There are quite a few churned out programs featuring preening forensic types who love the camera more than the lab, but none of these people are as disrespectful or narcissistic as M. William Phelps, who chews up the scenery at every opportunity, whether on camera or in voice over.

This program is presented as if it's hard-boiled fiction, the cod suspense a terrible mask, as if there might be a chance the victims weren't really brutally murdered in real life. In the wake of recent masterpieces like The Jinx, Making a Murderer and the first two seasons of A Crime to Remember, Dark Minds serves as an example to potential film makers of what not to do when approaching such material.

Let me get this one out straight away, M. William Phelps claims to be a "journalist". He's more like a cheesy reality star, with very little star quality. His corny presentations are perhaps only undercut by an even worse musical underscore - and that by an even cornier "inside serial killer" with the "codename" of 'Raven.'

It is completely un-watchable, lowest denominator, drivel-formed television programming. I don't even know how the good name of Discovery even agreed to attach itself with this terrible stuff. I'm used to American cheeseballing faux-reality TV (with poorly constructed stuff like "Cheaters" or "Lizard Lick Towing") - but this one tries so hard to pass off as a serious crime show that it ends up being toe-curlingly cringe-worthy.

Avoid it at all costs if you're a serious lover of crime documentaries. It will waste several hours of your life if you try to "give it a go" (as did I). 4 episodes (from a selection of seasons) and it never gets any better - if anything, it gets worse.

The only thing this might be good for is driving up the profits of your local liquor store as you'll find yourself needed a liter bottle of Jack Daniels to make it through... though at least the show does give you some good tips and choices on how you'd like to bump off Phelps and the rest of the production team for inflicting this upon society.

From the early days of FORENSIC FILES and THE NEW DETECTIVES,to the not so true reenactments of shows like BEHIND CASTLE WALLS, I m a big fan of Crime TV.

As I recall the first of these (well done) reenactment crime shows was the popular series DEADLY WOMEN,featuring commentary from former FBI Profiler,CANDICE DeLONG. This is the show that introduced me to crime writer M.WILLIAM PHELPS. As time went by, the fore mentioned commentators began to seem as if they believed themselves true experts in all things criminal. DARK MINDS pushes this ego fest a step further by pitting two crime writers together to state the obvious about matters of public record whether it is relevant or not, much like the B celebrity cast of Smoking Gun's World's Dumbest. PHELPS and KELLY boring opinions at each other, and look at a speaker on the table with disgust, as if to say "i hate that we have to consult this evil serial killer." Well, I could be wrong, but "Raven's" accent sounds a lot like John Kelly's, and that would explain why a serial killer locked in the safety of a maximum security prison feels the need to disguise his voice. It Just plays out like fiction.