The VelociPastor

I fully expected to go into this movie finding it too ridiculous to review seriously. And yeah, in a way I was right. "Velocipastor" is ridiculous, it can't be taken seriously but I enjoyed every minute of it. It becomes clear very early that this movie means to be over-the-top. Much like classic horror comedies in the past, "Full Moon High", and "Pandemonium", this film knows it is absurd comedy and total cheese.

Brendan Steere understands perfectly well the type of film he is making, and he was smart enough to gather a cast and crew who were in on the joke too. Some of the acting obviously falls short and it is a tightrope walk getting this story from scene one to the end without total collapse. Still, somehow, everything holds together with fun, entertaining craziness. And genuine laughs.

The effects are a blend of cheap CGI and low tech practical effects that fit inbetween gaming graphics and Adult Swim stuff. It would have been cool if more focus on creating a darker raptor had been taken, but still, it is a movie about a young priest turning into a dinosaur so the puppet/costume seems fitting. I have to add that "Velocipastor" has a cool soundtrack. And the whole music video montage in the center was entertaining as heck!

Overall this isn't gonna be everyone's take on "Velocipastor". And I get it, a lot of people can only get into spoof horror if it has a big budget to sell the jokes. I enjoyed this film. It is silly, over-the-top, and entertaining. It doesn't take itself serious but everyone involved were serious about creating this tongue-in-cheek bit of satire.

There's horror comedies, (Cabin in the Woods), comedies with horror, (Freaks of Nature, Pirhana 3D), or there's a special breed of film, like "Birdemic" that are comedies that are supposed to be horror, and don't know that they're comedies. Like 'The Room', 'Fateful Findings' or the aforementioned 'Birdemic' what makes those films so great, is that they're not intentionally setting out to make something 'so bad it's good' - it's just a happy, miraculous accident. Films like 'Velocipastor' or 'Sharknado' seem to exist in an uncanny valley, a mirror version of the former three films. They're a cheap imitation, and don't work.

Velocipastor was made on a shoestring budget, and that can actually work to some films' benefit - Clerks, Paranormal Activity, and the Blair Witch project were made on the cheap, and they're smart, often terrifying, or in the case of Clerks, hilarious films. A good story and clever filmmaking can overcome any budget issues. Here, an explosion is shown as plain text that says "insert exploding car VFX" that elicits a minor chuckle the first time, and just annoys every time after. When you're intentionally missing cues, inserting boom mic's overhead, having 'editing' mishaps it's not funny. It's like a planned blooper. Bloopers are funny precisely because they're unplanned. Here it just makes the filmmaker look like a self-saboteur, so uninterested in their own story they're cutting corners wherever they can to be "meta", when in reality it's just laziness. There's a goofy idea here, that maybe could have worked better as a straight faced horror comedy, without the winking at the camera. The filmmakers here are in on the joke. The problem is, is that the joke just isn't funny.

That being said - the two main actors do a fine job in their ridiculous roles - and deserve some better work in the future. And the soundtrack is killer. A scene midway through the film looks like a music video, and that's maybe what this should have been - a goofy, three minute punk rock music video. At 70 or so minutes - it feels like an eternity.

I've seen a ton of B-movies with absurd premises like this. They mostly suck, even for a B-movie. But this one knows exactly what it's doing.

This is the perfect kind of ridiculous. As I write this, I'm still laughing and shaking my head at some of the scenes. And it's not just randomly stupid. So much of it is strategic, subtle and clever. I laughed a lot.

When it was almost over, I was thinking it was fun but didn't cross the line into amazing. And then the payoff happened. I'm in such awe that the scene was actually filmed. In real life. On earth. By a professional movie crew and actors.

If you liked this, check out Zombeavers. (2 viewings, 2/4/2022, 12/16/2022)

There is absolutely no reason a movie like this should exist. Every single second of it is unnecessary. But it's a wild ride from beginning to end: violence, romance, suspense, mystery, gore, broken families, heartache, religion, ridiculousness, and more! It is a cultural journey through the complicated religious connections of the world. It's true marvel of cinema. Genius is the only way to describe it.

Please watch this flawless piece of art and share with everyone you know.

This was glorious. Pure batsh** cheese. So much better than I could have even hoped for.

Brendan Steere, Alyssa Kempinski, and Greg Cohan are a dino-mite team in The VelociPastor. Pretty much everything about the movie was perfect; if you're a fan of low-budget horror-comedies, it's a must-see. It has everything you could ask for - perfectly timed, groan-worthy lines, props that look like they came from a school play, and actors that embrace every bit of the cheese potential.

This had me roaring with laughter several times. It's the type of movie that, honestly, if you don't look at the poster and go "Oh, my God, I need this" then you need to just back away slowly. It's crude, loud, and ridiculous and amazingly good. Steere manages to bring the feel of the 70s to the screen in the best way. And when you add ninjas and a VelociPastor, really, there's nothing else you dare ask for.

Part of (okay, most of) what makes The VelociPastor so great is that Kempinksi and Cohan (a better-looking version of Benedict Cumberbatch) act the hell out of it. It's stupid cheesy, and yet they manage such solid performances that you can't help but admire them.

Overall, this is a near perfect movie and I (and Sam, who also watched and gave her input here) recommend it to everyone. Lots of action, lots of laughter, lots of fun.

Disclaimer: I received a screening link to this movie from the publicist for review consideration.