- The Substance: Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself? Younger, more beautiful, more perfect. One single injection unlocks your DNA, starting a new cellular division, that will release another version of yourself. This is the Substance. You are the matrix. Everything comes from you. Everything is you. This is simply a better version of yourself. You just have to share. One week for one and one week for the other. A perfect balance of seven days each. The one and only thing not to forget: You. Are. One. You can't escape from yourself.
- Man at Diner: It's long, isn't it?
- Elisabeth Sparkle: Excuse me?
- Man at Diner: Seven days.
- Elisabeth Sparkle: [realising he is also using The Substance] Did you follow me here?
- Man at Diner: I was just curious to find out how things were going for you. Each time you feel a little more lonely, don't you think?
- Elisabeth Sparkle: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
- Man at Diner: It gets harder each time, to remember that you still deserve... to exist! That this part of yourself is still worth something! That you still matter!
- [Elizabeth starts to leave in fright]
- Man at Diner: Has she started yet? Eating away at you?
- [as the New Year's Eve special descends into chaos]
- Monstro ElisaSue: Don't be scared! It's still me!
- Elisabeth Sparkle: It's me!
- Monstro ElisaSue: I'm Elisabeth! I'm Sue!
- Harvey: [to the shareholders] You will not be disappointed. She's my most beautiful creation. I have shaped her for success.
- Sue: [as the TV Host asks Sue what her beauty secret is] I don't know. Uh...
- Elisabeth Sparkle: Say it! Say it!
- Sue: Let me think.
- Elisabeth Sparkle: Say it! Tell them who your little beauty secret is!
- Sue: I guess...
- Elisabeth Sparkle: [undresses her housecoat] I would just show them right here.
- [flashes her television]
- Elisabeth Sparkle: Here's your little beauty secret.
- Sue: I guess I just try to be myself. To be sincere and grateful for all that I have.
- [as Elisabeth trows eggs at her television]
- Sue: And to always remember to leave with my heart.
- Elisabeth Sparkle: [watching Sue dismiss her career on a TV interview] Jurassic Fitness? I'll fucking show you. You wanna see some Jurassic Fitness? You want it? Come on, come get your fucking Jurassic Fitness!
- Harvey: Sue! These are the Shareholders, they are dying to meet you! Is everything okay? So SMILE! That's what we want tonight! Pretty girls should always SMILE!
- Sue: [in a panic] I need a better version of myself. Please give me a better version of myself, please! Please! Come on!
- Harvey: [on the phone in the bathroom] I don't care if every fucking young girl in this fucking town in the next few weeks. Look, I made it simple. We need her young. We need her hot. We need her now. How the old bitch has been able to stick around for this long. That's the fucking mystery to me. Oh, Oscar winner, my ass. When was that back in the 30s? What, for King Kong?
- [laughs]
- Harvey: No, I don't give a fuck what we promised her. This is network TV, not a fucking charity. Find me someone new. NOW! Hey, did you know that a woman's fertility starts to decrease by the age of 25? How old is Jennifer? Ha ha. You better get busy.
- [laughs as he walks out]
- Harvey: It's like when you see someone fart on screen. People just love that. I mean, that's just the way it is. C'est la vie. People are just people. And I have to give people what they want. That's what keeps the shareholders happy. And people always ask for something new. Renewal is inevitable. And at 50... well... it stops.
- Elisabeth Sparkle: What stops?
- Harvey: [confused] What?
- Elisabeth Sparkle: [emphatically] What stops?
- Harvey: Um... you know, the...
- [gestures]
- Harvey: the...
- Harvey: [spots an acquaintance; cheerful] Oh, George! Oh, oh!
- Harvey: [to Elizabeth; dryly] I'm sorry, I gotta run.
- Cook book: Eviscerate the turkey
- Oliver: I am actually quite handy if you ever need me to be an aid. I have got a big hammer, you know what I mean!
- Casting Director: Looks like everything sure is in the right place this time.
- Assistant Casting Director: Please say your name, age, measurements.
- Sue: I'm Sue...