- Sheriff Jubel: You have to go be the stupidest motherfucker on the face of the earth.
- Deputy Dermot Nixler: What about outer space?
- Sheriff Jubel: Good point. I stand correct, you are the stupidest motherfucker in the universe.
- Farmer Sam: Oh, and have yourself a nice hot cider. Of course, you're going to have to pay for it.
- Sheriff Jubel: Your cider tastes like ass.
- Karen Singeton: A fucking clown? Are you fucking kidding me? I want to talk to the fucking manager.
- Farmer Sam: That would be me.
- Deputy Dermot Nixler: Oh, man. This is the same as last year.
- Sheriff Jubel: You've actually paid money to go on this hayride before?
- Deputy Dermot Nixler: Yeah, sure. It's a family tradition. I hope the commissioners give it a good review. I hate for this to all go away.
- Sheriff Jubel: You really don't have much going on upstairs, do you?
- Deputy Dermot Nixler: What? It's a haunted hayride, man. This is... This is nothing not to like about this.
- Farmer Sam: And speaking of keeping an open mind, how about you simpletons?
- Dick Singleton: That's Singleton. Our last time is Singleton, not Simpleton.
- Farmer Sam: Oh, that's what I meant.
- Karen Singeton: And I didn't like your poem one bit.
- Farmer Sam: Well, I am sorry about the language. I was trying to find a word that rhymes with witch, and Karen wouldn't work.
- Karen Singeton: Okay, well, don't use me in any future poems.
- Sheriff Jubel: God damn it, Sam, I swear I'm gonna kill you!
- Farmer Sam: Ha ha ha! You've been trying that for years. What makes you sure you'll be lucky this time?
- Sheriff Jubel: Cause this time you're really pissing me off!
- Farmer Sam: Oh, sticks and stones, Jubal. Oh, by the way, do you remember back in high school when you were certain that your girlfriend was fucking another guy?
- Sheriff Jubel: Fuck you.
- Farmer Sam: Wait a minute. You already knew that? Oh, shit. I was planning this big reveal and everything.
- Sheriff Jubel: I am so gonna fucking kill you!
- Farmer Sam: Well, you can try again.