- Chet: [singing] Painting our guns, painting our guns for the bank robbery, 'cause if we go in with our plastic guns then the cops will shoot us in our face...
- [from trailer]
- Nick: [unzips a vest to show a bomb strapped to his chest] Guess what? You just brought a gun to a bombfight, officer!
- Kate: Why did that engine explode?
- Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.
- Chet: What? That's some John McClane shit! Yes!
- Kate: How did you remember the code?
- Nick: [hesitates] It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.
- Chet: Okay, what if we saw off both of your arms, slip the vest over your head, than go to the hospital, they'll re-attach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.
- Nick: Fuck that!
- Chet: I don't know what to do, man. All these sites have different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What did they do in the Hurt Locker?
- Chet: Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I'm pretty good at it. Teachers don't make shit. Bank robbers make bank.
- [during the bank robbery, to a man sporting a handlebar moustache]
- Chet: Quit lookin' at me, moustache!
- Chet: [trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...
- Nick: Shhh! Jesus!
- Chet: [more quietly] Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!
- Nick: Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...
- Chet: Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!
- Dwayne: I've been thinking a lot about the 'polishing the scepter' deal. I know that's really not for polishing the scepter, you're just talking about sucking my dick. But I just want you to know that it's going to be mutual. You won't just have to polish my scepter, I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for eating your pussy. Ok, well give me a call when you get a chance. Goodbye.
- Dwayne: [watching Friday the 13th Part III] I'm not afraid of Jason. Look at me. I'm fucking Jason. In his fucking mask hole.
- Chango: You're a fucking badass, bro. You're a pimp! Remember, you're a pimp, that's what your mother said. Your mother told you're a pimp. You're a pimp!
- Rodney: [interrupting Chet's class, clearing his throat] Nice laser.
- Chet: Yeah. It's a nice laser, Rodney. You know what's not nice? Texting in my class
- [takes Rodney's phone]
- Chet: [reading Rodney's text, mockingly] Hey, Steve. What time are we watching the UFC fight, bro? By the way, you think Lisa would go out with me?
- Chet: [the entire class laughs] Woah! Lisa over there? No way, she's laughing at your face.
- Chet: [gives Rodney his phone back] Don't text in my class anymore, ok?