Seven Cemeteries

Cheap Mexican modern western that makes little sense, but it's kind of fun. Imagine Danny Trejo coming out of prison, where he spent 28 years with 5 minutes off for good behavior, in order to be the hero a Mexican woman needs to save her farm from the local gang barons and corrupt cops. And he does it with a bunch of ineffectual undead former associates. At 80. How is that not fun?

If you want actual action, special effects that are more expensive than 15$, a meaningful story or acting of any sort, this is not the film for you. But if you want to see a very low budget Mexican The Magnificent Seven with a few lines that make you chuckle, you may enjoy this.

A movie about a couple who try to hold off a bunch of criminals down by the border who are trying to muscle them out of their ranch. Things get heated with the criminals and things end up bad so they call in bravo (danny trejo) who of course was was a people's hero back in the day to come and help them out. Thing is bravo has just been released from prison after 40yrs and hes old and all his old gang are long dead and he doesn't really wanna get in trouble but after finding himself on the wrong side of a corrupt local cops stolen rifle things change and he's saved by a lady called bruja who dabbles in the occult and gives him the power to resurrect a squad of dead criminals and heros of his choice back from the dead to help him fight the criminal gang and save the ranch.

This sounded great on paper but in action the movie is pretty terrible. There aren't many funny parts in it and the characters are just cheesy and for some reason all keep dropping jokes about recent events even though they have been dead for 30+ years... It's obviously not a great movie and obviously not a great comedy but its watchable if you have nothing else to do.

I like Danny Trejo. I think he's an awesome guy and a badass. But his movies are almost universally awful. This does not mean I don't own more than one of them.

So I didn't expect much from this one, and at the time I'm writing this the rating is 4.3 so that didn't bode well. However, I was surprised-pleased, actually-that it wasn't near as terrible as I'd prepared myself for. Yes, it's low budget and the sfx are poor. The plot is pretty thin but consistent. Trejo is Trejo and the other actors earn their meager paychecks. There's some humor and its short runtime keeps you from getting bored or overthinking. Seriously, I don't get the hate. It's not so bad if you have a sense of humor and like Ramirez movies.

And I must be the only one who recognizes that this is a zombie takeoff on "The Magnificent Seven." It gets an extra point just for that.

In Texas, in a small town at the border of Mexico, the crime lord Abuelo (Sal Lopez) wants the ranch that belongs to Carmela (Samantha Ashley) and Matteo (Raul Casso), but the land belongs to their family for years and they refuse to sell. Abuelo stabs Matteo to death and tells Carmela that she has until the end of the day to deliver the ranch to him. Meanwhile, the old Santana Bravo (Danny Trejo) is released from prison on probation after serving twenty-eight years wrongly accused, and visits Matteo. He learns what happened to him and out of the blue, the corrupt Sheriff Jake (Ronnie Clark) arrives with his deputies and executes Bravo. A witch (Maria Canals-Barrera) brings his body to her cabin and resurrects him. Further, she tells Bravo that his blood can resurrect the dead. Bravo goes to seven cemeteries to bring back his old friends to defeat Abuelo and his men and protect Carmela and her ranch. The showdown between Bravo and Abuelo will begin.

"Seven Cemeteries" (2024) is a lame B-movie indicated for fans of Danny Trejo, who is too old to perform the badass he was in the past. The plot is full of cliches, and the humor does not work. There is no development of the one-dimensional characters or situations, the locations and the acting are very poor and the crew seems to be amateurish. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): Not Available.

Seven Cemeteries is a really fun shoot 'em up flick with a hispanic theme. If you're serious about film, don't bother. This isn't for you. If you like silly, fun, action movies that don't take themselves seriously then this is right up your alley. This is a movie to enjoy with friends and chill out.

Danny Trejo pretty much plays Danny Trejo. Just got out of jail. Comes across a woman in distress and reluctantly comes to her aid. His new (old) posse are a hoot. I won't say much more because I don't want to spoil anything. The blood and gore might be a bit much for people who don't see that stuff very often, but we all thought that it added humor (intentionally).

It was much better than I expected. .