- Frank Bailey Jr.: Hey! What the hell are you doin' playin' my damn piano?
- Kevin: Who are you?
- Frank Bailey Jr.: The damn piano player, dumbass.
- [Kevin has just lost a quick draw contest with "the sheriff"]
- Matt: He's dead.
- Tracy: What?
- Matt: He's bleeding. He's really fucking dead!
- Shelly: I thought you said that they were just... blanks.
- Victoria Bailey: Honey, your friend did have blanks, but my husband uses real bullets.
- Dr. Sawbones: Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up; come this way. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Ain't no use in takin' all day - Dr. Sawbones ain't got all day. Come right over and have a seat, little lady. Tell you what I'm about to do. I'm about to introduce to you one of the most amusing, abusing and interestin' demonstrations of Hinduism tricksterism in these here United States of America. Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, from the far corners of the Far East, from the land of the pharaohs comes the magic elixir that was the power behind the pyramids. What do you think it was that put the smile on the Mona Lisa? Why did Napoleon have his hand in his pocket? Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you right now it was this bottle right here - Dr. Sawbones' Magical Kaleidoscope Elixir. Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, this little bottle will shine shoes, remove spots, warts, scars, unwanted pests like aunts and uncles. It cures burns, sores, freckles, double chins and even grows hair. It makes cows give more milk, bees make more honey and butterflies make more butter.