Private Property

It was comically awful.

• The editing was terrible. In an 80-minute movie, we were treated to long stretches of scenes like the protagonist taking out her trash, making the movie feel like the run time was far longer. It was like an. Editing 101 submission.

• I paused to check the year this film was made because (and not in a good retro way), it looked like it was made in the early 90s at some points.

• The sound was poorly done, making it hard to hear dialogue at points.

• Jay Pharoah's character was a joke. Going back to bad directing/editing: one of the longer stretches of his character on screen has his back facing the camera. He's absent for a large part of the movie and his character just comes off as filler. Terrible way to use your star actor.

• The whole story was a mess. The ending was a mess and rushed. Certain character motivations were unclear or not addressed. So when the ending came, it fell completely flat. A certain character reappears and I laughed because he was so disinterested in everything until that point.

It was like a lifetime movie (though that's an insult to many LT movies). Not an entertaining one and not well done even for their standards. A boring, dated (but new), poorly directed and edited Lifetime movie.

The actors did their best but you could tell they were without proper direction. The lead woman's abilities were greater than the film, for sure. But she was working with nothing.

None have captured the spirit of how bad a film can be like this one. I literally couldn't NOt Watch because I am shocked this was made. 0/10 would never recommend not even to my worst enemy. Guantanomo Bay banned this movie because it was too evil to put on repeat.

Writer and director Chadd Harbold sure butchered the 1960's classic film of the same name, by giving it a Lifetime/Hallmark feel. The usually very comfortable low 87 min runtime felt way longer with ridiculously slow pacing, and Harbold's screenplay being 80% filler and maybe 20% substance. It's a shame, because there was tons of potential that was missed, and in the hands of filmmakers that know what they're doing, this could've been great. Even if this was edited/cut down to a 20-30 min short film, I probably would've enjoyed it more. The ending was part cringe, part nonsense, and part ok, but all the previous filler was just boring and underwhelming. Even some of the fade-ins and outs in the thrill scenes towards the end were 1980's quality.

The cinematography was decent, although the darker scenes were way too dark. The score was your typical loud, unfitting and annoying B-grade fare, and in some of the quieter dialogue scenes, I couldn't make out any words because of the overbearing score, and that's something that could've been fixed in editing, if there actually was any.

Casting and performances were decent, and I can tell they tried their best considering there probably wasn't any cast direction from Harbold. Shiloh Fernandez whispering dialogue got annoying quickly, and incoherent when the score was overbearing his scenes. I'd pass on this, especially if you've seen the original, because comparing it to this one will be even more disappointing. A very generous 5/10 most towards the cast.

This film is a tad predictable, a bored housewife entertains a gardener with questionable motives. The film itself was not terrible and the cinematography was well done. But then there is the music. It made the movie almost unwatchable. I get that you're trying to do the artsy "Drive" thing with the electronic moody tones but maybe turn it down a bit so we can hear what the characters are saying? Very distracting.

I have seen my fair share of stinkers over the years, but this remake of private property is among the worst offenders.

Why do i think so?

For starters this is a remake, so it lacks originality, there is barely a plot recognizable, twists were so obvious, that they lacked any kind of surprise. There are some stunningly looking shots in the movie, but as any Zack Snyder film will show you, gorgeous looking shots do not rescue a movie without a plot. The main characters lack any form of chemistry.

I had the feeling, the director decided to make a film noir, but a very colorful one.

The list if producers and executive producers on this film is longer than the list of actors. Among them the leading man of this movie.

It might be worthwhile digging* up the original movie and give it a shot, but watching this one was a waste of money and time.