- [from trailer]
- Bladesey: What made you join the Force?
- Bruce Robertson: Police oppression, brother.
- Bladesey: You wanted to stamp it out from the inside?
- Bruce Robertson: No, I wanted to be a part of it.
- Bruce Robertson: Scotland. This nation brought the world television, the steam engine, golf, whiskey, penicillin, and of course, the deep-fried Mars bar. It is great being Scottish. We're such a uniquely successful race.
- [walks past a pregnant woman smoking, a woman stuffing food in her mouth, and a man drinking from a small bottle]
- Bruce Robertson: See, every time a woman drops her trousers: promotion. Every time a man drops theirs: disciplinary action. Where's the equality in that?
- Bruce Robertson: I think they've left me. I think my family have left me. I don't know how. I can't remember why. You see, there's something wrong with me. There is something seriously wrong with me.
- Bruce Robertson: I am on a murder case here. That's M-U-R-D-E-R, which spells S-E-R-I-O-U-S. So if I don't get my A-R-S-E in G-E-A-R, I'm in serious S-H-I-T, okay?
- Chrissie: You're being so cruel!
- Bruce Robertson: Love is cruel, Chrissie. Love is cruel.
- Bruce Robertson: The games are always, repeat always, being played. But nobody plays the games like me. Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson, soon to be Detective Inspector Bruce Robertson. You just have to be the best, and I usually am. Same rules apply.
- [releases a small fart in room of fellow candidates]
- [first lines]
- Carole: People ask me, "Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?" Well, I tell them it's really simple. I'm just the ultimate tease.
- [walking down the hallway in lingerie]
- Carole: Me and Bruce, we're not that different. We know what we want. We know how to get it. Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'll win. And when he does, the Robertson household is gonna be one big, happy family again. I kid you not.
- Size Queen: [Size Queen and Bruce are about to have sex] Fuck me with that horse's cock!
- Bruce Robertson: Same rules apply.
- Size Queen: What the fuck?
- Dr. Rossi: [Hallucination in Bruce's head, singing] Carol started going out, on the piss with Ste-phen. When Steve took his trousers off, Bruce knew she'd be lea-ving. Bruce, he wanted Stacey back, but she wasn't co-ming. This promotion's made him crack, he isn't in the ru-uuu-nniiiing!
- Toal: Things are bloody difficult for me at the moment with this murder case nuisance! On top of that, not only is there a latent Nazi racist homophobe but a bloody jessie boy in the hat for the inspector's post!
- Bruce: I want you to show this bastard who the hardest firm in this city really is, OK? Nobody, nobody, steams in like the Edinburgh polis.