Kill Her Goats

The fact that this movie stars Kane Hodder, the man behind the mask in Friday the 13th, had me instantly and the chainsaw and blood-covered cleavage in the poster helped too.

Even the great Easter Egg which is the town where it all happens being called West Craven, which when said with their accent, sounds exactly like the name of the director of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream.

Unfortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies, but on the other hand, fortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies.

Very little script, even less conversation, and even less plot. I give the movie itself one star, and the breasts earn two stars as they are far more impressive than anything else on show.

I did actually watch the director's other attempt at making a horror movie after finishing this movie. It is far worse, mainly due to the lack of uncovered breasts in comparison to this movie.

This is the kind of movie you tell someone to watch as a practical joke.

Considering the cast entirely consists of Onlyfans sex workers...it's not surprising that the best thing about this film is the boobs.

The question is...if it's written like a porn; shot like a porn; and cast like a porn...does that make it a porn?

Probably.

But there definitely weren't enough goat-man sex scenes for my particular taste.

There are a healthy amount of boobs, however.

And they are very nice boobs.

So it has that going for it, at least.

But the plot is totally inconceivable.

What we do know, is that one of the girls has purchased a beach house known as the Tupp House (fresh out of college, no less. So, from the proceeds of her Onlyfans, no doubt).

You are led to believe the house has some sort of storied, probably violent, history.

But they make no attempt to explain what that actually is.

Instead, choosing, to keep you distracted with more boobs.

The writing is also hilariously bad.

Though, you can't help but be amazed that the actresses were actually able to remember the lines without a teleprompter.

Good for them.

The whole thing is so poorly constructed, that you can actually watch the entire thing...and have literally no idea what it's about.

Eventually, the goats do show up, though.

And that's when things start to get epic.

Because, not only does the one goat-man have a DOUBLE freaking chainsaw!!!

Another of the goats has boobs.

Cause, why not?!

Right?

I guess that makes them more furries than goats, though.

So the secret must be that the Tupp's were a family of goat-themed furries, or something, I suppose.

Either way, after reading this, you'd probably think that it's a completely unwatchable film (considering there's no actual goat sex in it).

But, oddly enough, there's just enough boobs in it, to keep you engaged.

At least long enough for you to realize the goats don't get to smash.

A missed oppourtunity, if I've ever seen one.

To their credit, however...the ending is actually unpredictable.

It might not make a whole lot of sense.

But it's doubtful you would see it coming.

So, there's that too, I guess.

Was This A Porn?

I Still Can't Tell.

But If The Goats Aren't Getting Laid By The Sequel...They're Not Playing Their Cards Right.

2 out of 10, cause...boobs.

Kill Her Goats is an amusing, low budget horror for the right crowd. It is shot very competently and has great practical effects.

The dialogue is hilariously bad, and is really what keeps this film entertaining. The film's weakness is in the pacing and editing. Sequences are just far too long and this film could have been chopped down quite a bit. I wouldn't say I was ever bored though. The characters talking to themselves, saying very out of the box things kept my attention.

Not a great movie by any means, but for fans of straight to disc/streaming horror, there might be something there for you. A 6/10 because I'm feeling generous.

I mean, it had all the elements of a good slasher naked girls, girls in underwear, girls in underwear getting slashed, blood and gore, but no story development, just reasonable looking naked girls who couldn't deliver a natural line if their lives depended on it let alone a natural boob (with the exception of the aussie girl) by the end of the movie I just sat there asking myself what just happened? Is that it?, what happened to the story of the Tupp house? Was this all just about daddies money, if so why even bother with a story about the Tupp house and not carry on with it , all in all nice to look at and a little fun but good cinema it isn't.

I don't even know what this was.

It's like they asked a 12 year old to wirte a horror movie. And he was like "ok, what's it about?" And they said "nothing". But it's called "Kill Her Goats". So...involve goats in some way.

And the he was like "ohhh killer goats"...I got it.

And they said "no, goats have nothing to do with it. But you like boobs, right? " And he said "yeah". And made this movie.

There's literally a line towards the end where a chick says "why are there goats?". I don't think it was even in the script.

I almost recommend it just because of how absurd it is.

It's like a Rob Zombie film if Rob Zombie was a child.