- Samantha: All right, pal, you're on!
- Alexander Blondell: OK, I can detect a pattern here. It's not pal, it's not dude, it's Mister Blondell. M-I-S-T-E-R B-L-O-N-D-E-L-L. Now put this on.
- Samantha: No, dude! I'm not wearing a tutu.
- Alexander Blondell: It is not a tutu. Now, put it on.
- Alexander Blondell: Look at yourself. What do you see?
- Samantha: I don't know, I see someone who should have left ten minutes ago?
- Alexander Blondell: Oh, don't think of it as losing your Quasimodo posture... that hair! Think of it as gaining a new sense of style. Not to mention a new arsenal in the war between the sexes.
- Samantha: My sexes are warring enough.
- Alexander Blondell: I see beauty. Just the very inkling of it, the first little bud pushing its head above the earth, but it is there.
- Lou the Doorman: Good day, Miss Wellman!
- Samantha: Well, you know what they say, Lou. Every day above ground's a good one.
- Lou the Doorman: Ain't that the truth!
- Doc: Women have a completely different mind/body connection than men. Their arousal is more subtle, it's more intricate.
- Samantha: Which, translated from new age psychobabble, means what?
- Doc: They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused. Let's face it, women are complicated.
- Samantha: Yeah, you're telling me.
- Margaret: He's a really great guy.
- Samantha: He was? Is?
- Margaret: Yeah. I... to tell you the truth, I have the worst crush on him.
- Samantha: And, em, why is that?
- Margaret: He played it like he didn't care about anyone special, but I know it was just an act. Deep down he has a really romantic heart. A girl can just see these things.
- Samantha: [Samantha is having her first period since being transformed into a woman. Doc gives her some tampons] Well, what am I supposed to do with *these*?