- Charlie: [thinking to himself] Don't forget. The path you choose doesn't screw your life. What screws you is the one you leave behind.
- Bhope Bhau: Is this your culture, to lure innocent girls and screw them? When did you arrive here?
- Guddu: Here in Bombay?
- Bhope Bhau: [correcting] Mumbai.
- Guddu: I was born here, but Father arrived in B... Bombay in 1984.
- Bhope Bhau: [again correcting] Mumbai.
- Guddu: It was called Bombay back then.
- Ganesh: You bastard! It was Mumbai then and it is Mumbai now!
- Bhope Bhau: You bloody migrants are chewing the city hollow like termites. The city is bursting at its seams and you people swarm like flies to rob our share of the pie.
- Guddu: My father used to say that we are like sugar added to milk. If we leave, the milk won't lessen but will turn bland.
- Ganesh: How thoughtful. The chief has diabetes.
- Guddu: We sat on the same bench. Both of us.
- Sweety: Who both?
- Guddu: Sabiha and I. Sabiha Laeek Ahmed. I was in love with her. She loved hearing s-stories from me. Champak, Nandan, Bela Bahadur... comics. Then one day I realized it wasn't the stories she loved. It was my fumbling that made her laugh. Once, I caught her imitating me - gh-gh-gh-gh-gh-gh. That's when I realized not only do I stammer, but I'm a duffer, too.
- Charlie: Can I have your fell number?
- Bhope Bhau: [to others] What's he saying?
- Bhope Bhau: [to Charlie] WHICH number?
- Charlie: Fell. Mobile.
- Bhope Bhau: [laughs] Do... do... do you lisp?
- Charlie: Not really. I pronounce S as F.
- Bhope Bhau: [misinterpreting] If not as F, will you pronounce it as L? What about your brother? Does he lisp as well?
- Charlie: He stammers
- Bhope Bhau: [laughing] One lisps and the other stammers!
- Mikhail: [holding a chili pepper before Bhope] You know what we do when a horse refuses to run? We stuff a chili up his ass. How it takes off then.
- Mikhail: [making the sound of a horse running off onto the distance] Takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut, takbut... Later on, to catch up with it, the jockey sticks TWO up his own.
- Bhope Bhau: Two?
- Mikhail: [imitating the sound of a running jockey] Sarpat, sarpat, sarpat, sarpat...
- [Everyone laughs but Charlie]
- Bhope Bhau: [laughing] Our way of dealing with laggards is a little different. We don't try to make them run. We just blow them off.
- [First lines]
- Charlie: [voiceover] We are identical twins, but we are poles apart. He lags behind, whereas I zoom ahead. He stammers, and I pronounce 'S' as 'F'. On his deathbed, my father said, "Charlie, always remember - life is a bitch, and the only way to deal with life is to be scoundrels."
- Sweety: [outside a door, following an argument over her pregnancy] I can't see you die.
- Guddu: [inside] I am not committing suicide.
- Sweety: I know, but if we don't get married soon, you'll be killed for sure. Listen, my full name is Sweety Shekhar Bhope. I'm Sunil "Chopper" Bhope's sister.
- [Guddu realizes this makes him a marked man]
- Flight Purser: [weeping into phone] Bow... wow. Bow-wow.
- Lobo: [taking phone] Tashi, he wants to say that he is now your pet dog.
- Tashi: But I like bitches. I have far too many dogs. Shoo away... shoo...
- Charlie: Have you ever met him?
- Bhope Bhau: No.
- Charlie: Good for you. You've been lucky. He brings misfortune. There could be no worse omen than to see his shitty face. You mentioned him and my cell phone conked out.
- Bhope Bhau: Listen, I understand your love for each other - I got a vibe in the train - but if my sister marries a migrant, I'll be crucified. My grave will be dug. Not only will I lose my reputation, but my election fund as well. The builder is paying me to get his son and Sweety married. Five crores! Can you imagine how much that is?
- Lele: [heard in flashback] Hey.
- Burgess: [heard in flashback] There is powder worth ten crores in the guitar.
- Bhope Bhau: One million dollars.
- Charlie: [heard in flashback] I'll shoot her! I'll shoot her!
- Bhope Bhau: How much? Five whopping crores!
- Guddu: If I give you ten, will you sell her to me?
- Sweety: Don't you get it? Your chief is ready to trade his sister for votes. I don't want to marry that builder's wretched son. At least you should have supported me!
- Guddu: Why pull this farce on me? How many more lies?
- Sweety: Every lie had an honest intention.
- Guddu: Another lie.
- Sweety: We'll miss our flight.
- Guddu: What's the hurry? Let's get to know each other better.
- Sweety: I'm your wife.
- Guddu: That's a lie. You are Bhope's sister.
- Sweety: I'm carrying your child.
- Guddu: Really? Are you sure it's mine?
- Bhope Bhau: Please come in, Mr. Sharma.
- Charlie: Sorry?
- Bhope Bhau: We barged in unannounced. We waited outside for awhile but we were hungry, so we came in hoping to find something to eat. Nothing beats fresh burgers on a rainy day.
- Sweety: You wouldn't even look at me. Do you remember? If I didn't pretend to stammer, you wouldn't have spoken to me. Stuck in your own shell, aloof from the rest of the world. I left everything behind for you.