- Tedward Lobo: Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm Teddy fucking Lobo.
- Dracula: I am Count Dracula.
- Tedward Lobo: You win.
- Mark: Hi! You here for the meeting? Well, come on down!
- Renfield: No! NO!
- [a man dressed in all black with a cane and top hat enters the room]
- Dracula: Some call me the Dark One. Others, the Lord of Death. To most, I am... Dracula!
- Mark: Okay, obviously we dealing with a little bit more than narcissism here.
- [after a big battle]
- Rebecca: You know when something crazy happens and someone's like, "It's okay. I've seen way worse?" Everything I saw you do today is gonna be my "way worse."
- Mark: And thank you for bringing us back from the other side! Having seen things we can't unsee. And knowing things we can't unknow. Good session, everyone!
- Rebecca: I don't think you're such a bad guy. But you're never really gonna be free until you face him.
- Dracula: There are some experiences worse than death, Renfield. Such as spending the remaining years of your miserable life knowing all the depravity you've witnessed in the last century will be nothing compared to the the suffering I'm going to unleash on this world. The world you chose over mine. When I'm finished, the entire human race, everyone you cared about, will suffer. Because you betrayed me.
- Renfield: Snickerdoodle?
- Rebecca Quincy: I don't want your murder cookies.
- Renfield: They're just regular cookies.
- Rebecca Quincy: Well I don't know what regular cookies means to a murderer.
- Renfield: I don't really know that either.
- Tedward Lobo: I'm clearly the yin to your yang.
- Renfield: We barely met twice.
- Tedward Lobo: You patronizing piece of shit!
- Dracula: I want happy couples, unsuspecting tourists, a handful of nuns, a... a busload of cheerleaders.
- Renfield: A busload of cheerleaders?
- Dracula: A busload of cheerleaders will get me back to full power like that.
- [snaps fingers]
- Renfield: Do you mean female cheerleaders?
- Dracula: Don't make it a sexual thing!
- Renfield: No, no. I did not say it was.
- Dracula: You know it's not the gender I'm concerned with. I eat boys, I eat girls. It's the purity!
- Dracula: Everything you said about the modern world is true. It is a dangerous place. Only not for us. For them, it's a dangerous, sad, broken place full of fear and desperation. It's weak. Looking for a powerful force to guide it, control it, dominate it. Like you. I mean, this entire society was designed for Renfields, by Renfields. So why should I have to adapt to it? It should have to adapt to me.
- Carol: How is my life? My life is like a never-ending hallway of funhouse mirrors, but all the clowns are me.
- Voice in the Crowd: Hey, yo, Renfield! You da man!
- Renfield: My name is Robert Montague Renfield and I am a co-dependent but I no longer feel like a victim.
- Rebecca Quincy: Are you from around here or...
- Renfield: Oh, no. I'm everywhere.
- Rebecca Quincy: Ah, military. That would explain all the moves.
- Renfield: Yeah, but forever ago. The Great War. Iraq. Maybe not great, you know, but overall pretty good. Three out of five stars.
- Dracula: Whatever pain Renfield caused you, I will return ten thousand fold. I will unleash an army of death whilst warming my skin next to mountains of burning corpses. How does that sound to you?
- Tedward Lobo: It sounds like you got to meet my mom.
- Renfield: [Kills Dracula by bashing him, chainsaw his limbs off, shooting him, acid, holy water and sealing the remains in cement ice cubes that are dropped in the sewer] Yes. I know this looks extreme and maybe a little fun, but to our defense there is so much folklore out there about how to actually kill a vampire? It gets confusing. You know, I've personally seen him from som crazy shit, so why not try everything? Yah, I'm not even 100% sure this will kill him. But I do know it will take him a long long time to come back from.
- Sign: Do not solve the Crime until Overtime.
- Rebecca Quincy: He was running from something, sir. And then he crashed into a DUI checkpoint, committed ten felonies, and not to mention eff-you-ing a room full of cops
- Kyle: You eff-you me all the time.
- Rebecca Quincy: Fuck you, Kyle!
- Weird Kevin: They
- [Narcissists]
- Weird Kevin: control Rats with their Minds!
- Mark: He's on Medication, don't worry about him.