- Bill: [Bill and Ted are giving a wedding toast] Hello, friends and loved ones.
- Ted: Let us welcome you to this most joyous of occasions.
- Bill: Ted and I have known Missy in different capacities for many decades. First, she was our babysitter when we were 10.
- Ted: Then we both invited her to the prom when she was a senior and we were freshmen.
- Bill: Two years later, she married my dad, and Missy became Mom.
- Ted: After divorcing Bill's dad, she married my dad and became my mom.
- Bill: Yeah. And now she's marrying Ted's little brother, Officer Deacon Logan.
- [Missy and Deacon kiss as the crowd applauds]
- Ted: Missy, Bill and I, along with my beautiful wife Elizabeth and our daughter Billie...
- Bill: ...and my beautiful wife Joanna and our daughter Thea, all wanna welcome you back...
- Bill, Ted: [in unison] ... with open arms!
- Bill: This happy event would seem to make Deacon his own father-in-law. And Ted his own uncle.
- Ted: Not to mention making my dad his own son.
- Kid Cudi: So is this some kind of error in a holographic dual field? Or is it a Wilsonian loop causing a temporal singularity?
- Billie: Well, it seems to me your classic tautological causal circuit!
- Kid Cudi: I don't know. Seems like textbook entanglement to me.
- Thea: I must say, your understanding of our dire circumstances is most impressive.
- [after their disastrous wedding performance]
- Bill: Chief Logan, the people in the future told us...
- Chief Logan: Bill, Bill, Bill, you didn't time travel!
- Ted: We did.
- Chief Logan: Your wives aren't from medieval England!
- Bill: They are!
- Chief Logan: And you didn't go to Heaven and Hell.
- Bill: We did!
- Chief Logan: You didn't!
- Bill: We did!
- Chief Logan: And you know why? Because it's impossible!
- Dave Grohl: [Bill & Ted open the mansion door to leave; Dave Grohl has just arrived outside] Who are you guys? What are you doing in my house?
- Dr. Taylor Wood: Ted, is there something you feel your wife needs to hear from you?
- Ted: Yeah. Totally.
- [turns to Elizabeth]
- Ted: We love you guys.
- Bill: Aww, that is good, dude!
- Dr. Taylor Wood: In a way, yes. I mean, it is great to feel loved. But do you understand how that might sound strange to your wives? I'll shoot this at Bill.
- Bill: No. I mean, we love 'em.
- Dr. Taylor Wood: Oh. "We love them."
- Bill: Yeah.
- Ted: Yeah, we do.
- Dr. Taylor Wood: Okay. It's the "we" part. Um... Ted, can you say the same thing, but instead of "we", say "I" in the sentence?
- Ted: Oh. Yeah. Of course.
- [turns back to Elizabeth]
- Ted: Elizabeth?
- Elizabeth: Yes?
- Ted: I and Bill love you and Joanna.
- Elizabeth: [chagrinned] Okay.
- Bill: [whispering] Dude, with all due respect, I don't think you're quite getting this.
- Ted: [whispering] Go for it, dude.
- Bill: Okay. I'm gonna do one.
- Dr. Taylor Wood: Yes. Go for it, dude.
- Bill: Okay.
- [turns to Joanna, clears his throat, and takes a deep breath]
- Bill: Joanna?
- Joanna: Mmm-hmm?
- Bill: From the very, very bottom of I and Ted's hearts, I and Ted totally love and worship you and Elizabeth.
- [pause]
- Ted: Perfect, dude.
- Bill: Awesome, dude, thanks.
- Bill, Ted: How's it goin', Bill and Ted?
- 58-Year-Old Bill: How'd you like our song?
- Bill: Is that a song?
- 58-Year-Old Bill: Yes!
- Ted: It's a little on the dark side, but, you know, that's cool.
- Dr. Taylor Wood: [Bill and Ted have booked joint couples therapy] So, do you understand why this situation might seem at all strange to your wives?
- Ted: No. Not at all. Why?
- Dr. Taylor Wood: Well, when your wives suggested couples therapy, do you think that this is what they had in mind?
- Bill: Well, definitely. I mean, we're a couple of couples, right?
- Ted: That is true.
- Bill: Yeah.
- Dr. Taylor Wood: But usually with couples therapy, it means just one couple.
- [pause]
- Ted: That makes sense.
- Bill: [chuckles] Yeah.
- Chief Logan: Here's a real idea for you two.
- Bill: Here it comes, dude.
- Chief Logan: Get real jobs. Be role models to your daughters. Oh, never mind. You are. They're twenty-four. They live at home, and they're unemployed. You remember when you used to call them Little Bill, Little Ted?
- Billie: You used to think it was cute, Gramps.
- Chief Logan: Yeah, well, it turned out to be a curse. All I ever see them do is sit around and listen to music.
- Thea: That is our primary activity, definitely.
- The Great Leader: Twenty-five years ago, Wyld Stallyns played a concert at the Grand Canyon.
- Bill: That's true.
- The Great Leader: One month ago, you played the Elks Lodge in Barstow, California, for forty people, most of whom were there only because it was $2 taco night, whatever the hell that means.
- Bill, Ted: Well, yeah. We did!
- The Great Leader: You were supposed to unite the world in song.
- [looks at Kelly]
- The Great Leader: According to her father, a song created by Preston/Logan...
- Bill: That's us, dude.
- The Great Leader: ...at a concert performed by everyone in the band at 7:17 p.m. at MP 46, that's tonight, will save reality as we know it, uniting humanity across all time.
- Ted: Wait. I'm sorry. What?
- Bill: Did you say, "Reality as we know it"?
- The Great Leader, Other Great Leaders: Yes!
- Bill, Ted: Oh.
- Bill: OK, we get it... you're a grateful, totally insecure, somehow dead robot named Dennis Caleb McCoy.
- 50 Year Old Bill: Oh, hello!
- 50 Year Old Ted: We totally forgot you were coming. How great to see you.
- Ted: What are you talking about? You totally ran away from us.
- 50 Year Old Bill: Look, guys, we know exactly what you're thinking. Why would we be playing Open Mic Night at 6:15 p.m. when, I fact, we have become such huge rock stars again.
- Bill: Yeah.
- 50 Year Old Ted: Here's the answer. Us being here is humorously ironic.
- 50 Year Old Bill: Do you believe us?
- Ted: No.
- Bill: Not at all.
- 50 Year Old Ted: Well, I feel sorry for you, then.
- Bill: Dude, I think we came to early. These other us's don't have the song.
- 50 Year Old Ted: Why don't you go write it for yourselves instead of trying to steal it from us?
- Ted: You're the one who couldn't write it, Ted.
- 50 Year Old Ted: Well, you're the one who lost his wife, Ted.
- Ted, Bill: What?
- Bill: What are you talking about?
- 50 Year Old Bill: Here's what happened, Bill. After you failed couples therapy, Liz and Jo were visited by other thems from the future who gave them a phone booth and sent them all through time and space looking for just one life where they could be happy with you!
- 50 Year Old Ted: And guess what?
- 50 Year Old Bill, 50 Year Old Ted: They didn't find one!
- 50 Year Old Bill: And now we've been alone for two years 'cause you sent our wives away.
- Ted, Bill: No way.
- 50 Year Old Bill, 50 Year Old Ted: Yes way!
- Ted: Our wives have been gone for two years and you didn't do anything about it?
- 50 Year Old Bill: Oh, you did, all right. You went back and made it worse!
- 50 Year Old Ted: And guess what else? Your daughters won't even talk to you.
- Bill: What?
- Ted: You're a dick, Ted!
- Bill: Why are you guys in prison?
- 58-Year-Old Ted: Oh, maybe because you guys left us to take the fall five years ago.
- Ted: Ah. That's funny, 'cause for us it's only, like, five minutes ago. So, we'll be leaving now.
- 58-Year-Old Ted: You're not goin' anywhere, pretty boy.
- 58-Year-Old Bill: We've been waiting for years to make things right.
- 58-Year-Old Ted: But everything's gonna be different. 'Cause unlike those last us's, we actually have a song.
- Bill: Is it a song?
- 58-Year-Old Ted, 58-Year-Old Bill: Yes!
- Bill: Bill, Ted, seriously, we can't take that song back.
- 58-Year-Old Bill: Oh, you're not taking it back, Curly. We're taking it back!
- 58-Year-Old Ted: You're gonna stay here and rot and we're gonna go get lives and and our wives back!
- 58-Year-Old Bill: And unite the world!
- 58-Year-Old Ted: And save reality.
- Bill, Ted: You are?
- 58-Year-Old Ted, 58-Year-Old Bill: Yes!
- Ted: Dude. We've spent our whole life trying to write the song that will unite the world. What makes us think we can write it in, like, 75 minutes?
- Bill: Ted, we had to have written that song. The people in the future told us we did.
- Ted: Yeah. I guess.
- Bill: Which means we have it in us, dude. Maybe we just haven't written it yet. Maybe we're still gonna.
- Ted: Well, if we haven't written it yet, but we know we're gonna at some point, why can't we just go to the future when we have written it?
- Bill: And take it from ourselves!
- Ted: Yeah!
- Bill: Ted! You have had many counterintuitive ideas over the years, but this by far the most counterintuitivest of them all, dude!
- Ted: Except, won't that be stealing?
- Bill: How is that stealing if we're stealing it from ourselves, dude?