Train

When Hostel was released I found it to be an interesting twist on the likes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Hills Have Eyes, playing on the fear of being outside one's normal environment, but exchanging the backwoods for Eastern Europe. Even back then, however, I noted the American-centricity of the film.

Since then we have had Hostel II, Turistas (known as Paradise Lost here in the UK), and now we have Train- another in this unfortunate sub genre that shouldn't be called Torture Porn, but rather "Don't be Leavin' America!" Because yet again those poor beautiful Abercrombie And Fitch mannequins are under threat by Eastern Euopeans who want to take their organs.

A film I recently enjoyed was Saw VI. Yes- seriously. The sixth part in a series of horror films and it still felt fresher than this film. Why? Probably because it quite cleverly, highlighted the brutality inherent in the medical insurance system of care in the US, and selfishness of banks practically handing out risky loans that has led us to this economic crisis. This was a horror film brave enough to assess America's own problems.

In contrast films such as Train are contemptuous of all things non- American. It makes me wonder about the the directors of these movies- did they take their middle-American rite-of-passage trip to Europe as students- backpack around? At what point did they decide to cinematically urinate on the countries they visited? The film itself is bland, feels cheap and thinks revealing a character's pierced nipples counts as character development. Thora Birch looks annoyed at having signed on- I'm pretty sure there are moments her face screams "I was once in American Beauty." And let's be grateful this film was about Eastern Europeans stealing organs, because if it was about bottling charisma or likability, no one would have died.

Not exactly sure what I was expecting with this one. I figured, hey, Thora Birch is in this, it can't be ALL bad. A bunch of American kids traveling around in a train getting terrorized in some fashion... sounds watchable. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied.

If my comment title hasn't tipped you off yet, you're in for an hour and a half of equal parts torture porn and survival horror. There's nothing new here and no worth while twists to raise this movie above (or even up to the level of) many similar genre pictures. It seems to meas if all the horror directors have tired of setting their pictures in the rural south, invariably populated with crazed backwoods cannibals and have instead focused on semi-fictional demonic visions of Eastern Europe populated by depraved butchers for hire. The acting is flat and the characters are so unlikeable (not to mention the lack of definition or development) you just can't muster any emotional ties. You won't even find yourself rooting for the bad guy here... you just won't care.

There is one facet of the movie that does seem to shine though. Love it or hate it, the gore in this film is so over the top and just down right rotten and visceral that it will produce a response. The camera does not flinch away... ever. I guess we're all just too complacent as horror fans these days. Gore like this used to be able to carry a film on the merits of the blood spilled alone, as the super bloody extreme cinema was relatively rare, often found only in hard core Asian productions. Now, every movie you watch seems to be teeming with so much of it that we as fans are beginning to demand more than just a slasher guts fest.

There are so many cool horror movies out there that invest their time and effort in delivering more in terms of originality. Unless you're curious, I would seek out something with more depth.

If you like movies like Hostel, Turistas, and Green Inferno, then Train will be a guilty pleasure too. The characters are not fully developed, Thora Birch's (the only actor you will most likely recognize) and the remaining actors' acting is horrendous, and the gore seems over the top, but let's be honest here; we're not expecting to see the next Oscar contender when we watch this film. This movie has the makings for a half decent horror film. - detestable villains, - gore, - characters that you don't care if they live or die and characters that you get attached to (that would be Willy for me), not-needed-to-advance-the-plot nudity, - and a lot of "shhh, be quiet" and "don't go over there" moments to the predictable jump scares. If you don't come into the watching this film with any expectations, and you'll have a good time watching this film if you are a horror fan.

Torture porn is a really overused description, one that tends to be slapped onto anything with a bit of blood and guts which the reviewer didn't like very much. Hostel, for example, is nothing like it; it has a storyline, characters, even a bit of subtext going on there. Real porn is where the splatter has no reason to exist, there are no actual characters, and no plot other than to get us from one splatter scene to the next. Train is genuine torture porn.

Oh, sure, there is an attempt at a plot, but not one that makes any sense. Organ harvesters - on a train? Rumbling through the middle of nowhere, taking out bits of bodies by yanking at them until the connecting tissue snaps? Harvesting tongues, penises, and other not-exactly-transplantable organs? The whole movie is just an excuse to show some graphic, very nasty scenes of dismemberment, shot in leering close-up, and anything else - character, plot, dialogue - is perfunctory at best. The script feels like it was written on the back of a cigarette packet, no one behaves in a remotely sensible way - 'oh look, here's a locked door with copious blood-stains in front of it, let's find out what's behind it by STEPPING OUT OF A MOVING TRAIN AND SMASHING A WINDOW FROM THE OUTSIDE. What school do these kids go to, James Bond High School? Let me say again - I've got no objection to graphic splatter, so long as there's some point to it. If there's no worthwhile story, no reason for the gore to exist, you have porn. This movie, in other words. A nasty, degrading experience made by stupid people who probably think they're pushing some boundary or other. You're not, guys. You're just stringing together a bunch of random scenes of people being chopped up. Well done.

Just one thing before I go - what the hell happened to Thora Birch? Between this and Deadline (also unbelievably awful, though with less people having their skin cut off), is she aiming to be the new Cuba Gooding Jr or something? Please, Thora, fire your agent and start doing actual movies again. Pretty please?

Oh my god, i don't know where to start. You finish this movie and you feel empty. Feel like someone stole you an hour and a half and gave nothing in return. I - as a matter of fact - feel angry. Have you seen Hostel or Touristas? Then there's literally NOTHING that will surprise you in this pile of crap. The filmmakers should be sued for plagiarism. All of the characters are two dimensional, underwritten, unlikable and act stupid as hell. One time they have one of the villains on the floor, he's slow like a freaking drugged mule that fell into a swamp, there's FOUR of our "heroes" (ok, two of them kinda disabled), plenty of tools around and what do they do? Run away. That's right, leave those two and yell terrified "there's no time!". I laughed out loud in disbelief. I've seen it before, but never, EVER, executed that badly before. In that moment i gave up rooting anybody. Just die, please, all of you. End this farce. Honorable mention: use of stock sounds. Gave me more laughter. That's how you identify quality movie. Use the most generic stock sounds.