One-Eyed Monster

One-Eyed Monster, the story of a blood-thirsty penis on the rampage. If you're reading this blurb of a review, you've most likely seen other flicks that are like One-Eyed Monster. You may have seen Teeth, Bad Biology or maybe even Killer Pussy, so you're probably pretty psyched to check out another flick with deranged genitals. And if you really enjoyed any of the above films, you should definitely give this film a look. If you didn't like them, there's no reason for you to watch this one. It's just more of the same goofy genital humor.

A blazing meteorite/beam of energy type thing crashed into Ron Jeremy as he was star-gazing at the night sky. Not long after, the new found home of the alien entity is now on the loose (it detached itself) and on the rampage. Throw in some forgettable characters and situations, and you got One-Eye Monster. It's basically just a slasher film with a killer penis on the loose.

There's not much to be really impressed with in this flick. The humor is okay, with maybe a few smiles or giggles throughout. Though, I do have to admit the jokes, although pretty weak, are delivered with charm and it's obvious all actors involved are pretty into the film. Well besides Mr. Napier. His character was either hit or miss. His long story, telling his bizarre memory of Vietnam was a total snooze. The black dude was like a bad soap opera star, and brought a forgettable serious role to the film. Actually whenever the movie tried to go serious, it fell flat. Almost everyone else played an OTT role and for the main part did an alright job.

A big gripe was the lack of nudity in this one. There was one scene of boobs, and I think that was it. If they had a scene where they showed a full naked Ron Jeremy, the house would have come down. Shame. They kept the nudity to one chick and the fake alien weiner. Also, the gore is very minimal. Remember in the trailer where the guy gets split in half? That, and a couple sprays of blood is all I can remember. That was disappointing as well.

I had high hopes for this new entry into the subgenre of genital horror, but I was let down once again. The jokes and silly acting was abundant so you may laugh a bit, but it's just an average to below-average comedy. And as a horror, as it is a hor/com, it doesn't do well there either. The gore was weak, the nudity disappointing and the situations bland and cliché.

If you're easily pleased, and all you need is the idea of a killer penis to make you happy, you should be golden. But if you have experience with these types of movies, this is just more of the same. Just so you know where I stand with the above flicks that I mentioned, I enjoyed Killer Pussy (great nudity) and Teeth (bizarre dark humor) about equal, with this next and Bad Biology (tried way too hard to be funny) last.

Adult star Ron Jeremy owes his success is to the veritable monster. In this raunchy horror comedy, Ron's legendary livelihood becomes a literal monster after he is struck by a strange light from outer space. Inhabited by an alien force, Jeremy's unproportional appendage detaches itself from his body and goes on the rampage, killing the cast and crew of a hardcore movie being filmed at a remote cabin in the Californian mountains.

I really wasn't expecting to enjoy this crazy comedy, but was pleasantly surprised by how funny it actually is, the fun script taking the monster movie genre's many clichés and subverting them to suit the adult movie setting. Jeremy is actually a far better actor than I remembered, but is killed off fairly quickly (but not before delivering the poignant line "All I can do is kiss the tip"), leaving it up to Amber Benson (Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Jeremy's frequent real-life co-star Veronica Hart, cult actor Charles Napier (Supervixens), and a handful of unknowns to battle the orifice-obsessed alien-possessed pecker. Hat's off to Caleb Mayo as T.J., the MacGyver of the group (inventor of the neuro tactile simulator), sexy Carmen Hart for providing the nudity as brunette adult star Angel, and Jason Graham as hero Jonah, who delivers his ridiculous lines with a stoicism and seriousness guaranteed to delight.

My major complaint - and I can't believe I'm writing this - is that the film simply doesn't feature enough of Ron Jeremy's disembodied dong: some stop-motion footage of it crawling like an inchworm (or a nine inch worm, as one character remarks) or the use of puppetry to show it attacking its victims would have helped immensely (although I understand that the budget may have not stretched to this). Also, Napier's long monologue about his experience with a similar monster in Vietnam isn't quite the hilarious show-stopper that it was clearly intended to be.

Still, with a couple of hot women (Carmen Hart, plus blonde babe Jenny Guy as her fellow adult performer Wanda), a smattering of gore (the one-eyed-monster poking a hole through Angel's head and slicing sleazy producer Jim in half), and a huge helping of smutty silliness, One-Eyed Monster does what it sets out to do: provide 84 minutes of puerile fun.

The crew shooting a pornography film head toward on old cabin in the middle of nowhere, not knowing some manner of alien is planning to invade the earth by using the genitalia of one of their members.

Premise seems interesting, but unfortunately the final product while entertaining, is still far away from what could have been. Naturally the movie doesn't take itself seriously but it never feels like its using its full potential. Pretty strange how those rare occasions where nudity and sexual situations are central to the theme, there's actually less than many films where such things feel completely gratuitous. The characters, thankfully have some effort put into them, without the movie getting depressing as victims are killed off.

For what its worth, this movie is far superior to "Penetration Angst" and "Teeth", although that's not saying much.

This film is so funny it really is underrated one I'd reccomend if you want a laugh

Despite the surprisingly solid performances from all the cast, the script and story failed to deliver on a fresh and unique premise.

The film either had a genre identity crisis or was quite simply pushed on to celluloid before the script was properly polished. It's like watching a professional crew film a first draft script.

It ran the gamut between clever and stupid and often found its cruising speed on the ridiculous and mundane. A better knowledge of the initial setting would also have been helpful.

I was expecting / hoping for a solid dark comedy with horror undertones, but was painfully disappointed. So many obvious comedic dialogue opportunities were missed, plot holes big enough to drive a truck through, and story choices that defied common sense, left me with the impression of a family funded backyard film project, despite the professional production values.

I would recommend this film to aspiring screenwriters to see what their 1st draft scripts would look like on screen...