Steve Martin: Mr. President. Supreme Court Justices. Your Royal Highness. And others. I am so proud to be here in Washington, D.C., which I have just recently learned is our nation's capital and to receive this coveted Mark Twain Award, which is the only significant American award for comedy, except for money. If, in my comedy career, I have made you laugh once, then I have done my job. I I have made you laugh twice, then I am very proud. If I have made three times, then I am thrilled. If I have made you laugh four times, which is twice as many as two times, I am ecstatic. If I have made you laugh five or possibly six times-- but I feel like I'm losing you.
Steve Martin: What better time than now to take a moment and recount all the awards I've received. In 1969, I won an Emmy for writing on "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour," and then again in 2005, I won the Mark Twain Prize. But of course, the Mark Twain Prize is very special to me because it is more recent. I was first introduced to comedy at the age of six and this began what is known as my dark period. And it's hard to believe that my career is still going strong, especially considering that three years ago, I passed away. I guess that's called momentum. When I look at the list of people who have been given this award, it makes me very, very satisfied, but when I look at the list of people who haven't been given this award, it makes me even more satisfied. I want to thank all the performers here tonight who flew in and were so funny and I am so flattered that they shared their time and their brilliance and their talent and it must be so hard to find a dozen people or so who have these kinds of skills, who are so accomplished and yet, so desperate to be on television. I want to thank Paul Simon, who is our greatest living songwriter and I want to thank Randy Newman, who is our greatest living songwriter. I want to thank Dave Barry; there is no one on this earth funnier. And I want to thank Martin Short, who is the funniest person on Earth. Of course, Carl Reiner is funny. Funnier, in many cases, than Larry David. But often, Larry was funnier than Carl. And of course, Diane, who sang so beautifully. More beautifully than anyone on the show tonight. Well, I mean Randy sang beautifully; he sang more beautifully than Diane, except when Diane sang more beautifully than Randy. And of course, Mike Nichols was funnier than I've ever seen him. Which is just sad. I want to thank Lorne Michaels. You know, if Lorne Michaels came to me thirty years ago and told me I would receive the Mark Twain Prize one year after he did, I would have said, "Let me have a hit of that." I want to thank my family up there in the box seats who have made my life so rich. And my secret family in the other box which knows nothing about the other family, so please.
Steve Martin: I am extremely pleased to receive this prize in the name of America's greatest humorist, Mark Twain. You know, I'm laughing at something, a Mark Twain quote that I love and I wrote it down because I wanted to get it exactly right. He said, "Whatever you do, for God's sake, do not name a prize after me." Comedy has treated me well. It has not only given me the opportunity to express myself in various media but also given me an abundance of funny and decent friends as you saw tonight. I hope that humor in America sustains in all its forms, from the bawdy irreverence of iconoclasts and satirists to family fare that teaches us about ourselves in a light-hearted and tender way. And it has been a great honor to be here tonight at the Kennedy-Martin Center-- Oops! I wasn't supposed to say anything! And I want to thank all of the people here at the Kennedy Center and I want to name each one of them, because...
[Long pause. Steve nervously looks to the band, which starts playing]
Steve Martin: Oh, gee, I'm out of time, but thank you very much and good night.
