- Erik Stifler: Look, I'm sorry about my Dad giving you that wedgie in front of everybody.
- Mr. Levenstein: Well, your Dad has been doing that to me since we were kids, and strangely enough, I enjoy it.
- Erik Stifler: This is special to you, right? I mean this weekend? This night?
- Brandy: Erik!
- Erik Stifler: Yes?
- Brandy: This is sex, not Shakespeare.
- [Jill and Cooze are foreplaying before sex]
- Jill: Now, get your worthless ass on the bed! You peasant!
- Cooze: Excuse me?
- [Jill kicks Cooze to the bed]
- Jill: I said, get on the bed! You worthless peasant!
- Cooze: [Cooze screams in pain] What's your problems? Whoa!
- Cooze: What is that?
- [Jill gets a Whip then whips Cooze who screams in pain]
- Jill: I said get on the bed! And I meant it!
- Cooze: Oh yeah, baby! I get it. And I'm into it!
- [Jill whips Cooze again]
- Jill: Shut up!
- [Jill whips Cooze repeatedly]
- Cooze: Alirght! Alirght!
- [Jill and Cooze are having sex]
- Jill: That's it, you pathetic slave! Keep doing that!
- Cooze: Don't you think this is getting a little out of hand?
- Jill: Oh, you haven't even seen out of hand, yet!
- Cooze: I didn't mean we had to stop.
- Jill: Oh, we aren't stopping. We're just getting started.
- Jill: You ready to get kinky?
- Cooze: Whoa, this isn't kinky, yet?
- Jill: Not even close!
- [Jill grabs a vibrating dildo that makes noise]
- Cooze: What is that noise?
- [Jill sticks the dildo towards Cooze's penis]
- Cooze: Whoa!
- Mr. Levenstein: You gave your boyfriend a guilt free pass to The Naked Mile? Are you kidding me? Tracy, The Naked Mile is insane! Well, from what I hear. I wouldn't know from personal experiences because I have nothing, whatsoever, to do with it.
- Brooke: I'm telling you, his dick was this big.
- [Brooke uses her fingers to show Tracy & Natalie how small his penis is]
- Natalie: How about Erik? I bet he has a big one.
- Brooke: Well, Tracy wouldn't know.
- Tracy: Whatever.
- Brooke: I guess it's pretty hard to figure out dick size from dry humping.
- Natalie: Brooke, that's mean.
- Tracy: Just because I don't have a catalog of the school's dick sizes, like you, doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two.
- Brooke: Tracy, men are like dogs. They run around and hump everything they see. Now, go and get your dog back on its leash.
- Mr. Stifler: [12:54] Stifflers do not fake being sick to sit a home and pull dick. We cut class to get ass!
- Erik Stifler: Yes, I know. That saying is on the family crest.
- Brandy: Take off your shirt.
- Erik Stifler: Excuse me?
- Brandy: Well, I want to take the stain out.
- Erik Stifler: Oh yeah. Right. I knew that.
- Erik Stifler: Are you sure you want to do this, because I doubt I will be very good.
- Brandy: Don't worry. I know how to handle guys like you.
- Erik Stifler: Guys like me?
- Brandy: Virgins? I can take care of virgins.
- Erik Stifler: You mean I'm not your first virgin?
- Brandy: I have a bit of a confession... Some girls like blondes, some like muscles, I like virgins!
- Brandy: Are you ready for a special night?
- [Brandy and Erik kiss]
- Erik Stifler: I swear to God I was through the street with nylons on my head and a condom still on.
- Erik Stifler: I can't believe I just told you that story.
- Brandy: I think it's great!
- Brandy: I mean, look at it this way, you'll never forget your first time.
- [Erik gets distracted while staring at a naked female student and runs into a mailbox, then Brandy comes to help him]
- Brandy: Are you alright?
- Erik Stifler: I'm fine.
- Brandy: C'mon sweetie! Lets finish this thing!
- Brandy: You know, any other frat asshole would have bite my head off, right now, if I spelled a drink of them.
- Dwight Stifler: So, are you ladies ready to run this Naked Mile and get extra fuckin' sexy?
- Jill: Hell yeah!
- Dwight Stifler: What about you guys?
- Brandy: Yeah, what are you guys doing still dressed?
- Erik Stifler: Well, we figured we would just watch the mile then meet you guys at the party afterwards.
- Alexis: Well, that's too bad because this Naked Mile is going to be crazy!
- Jill: Really crazy! Right Brandy?
- Brandy: Absolutely out of control!
- Brandy: [Brandy, Jill, and Alexis take off all of their clothes, then Erik, Cooze, and Ryan take off all of their clothes]
- Erik Stifler: I haven't seen you since my parent's New Year's party.
- Mr. Levenstein: Well, your parents really, really know how to ring in the New Year!
- Bull: Stifler! We got a serious problem, man. Mike and the guys just got arrested trying to steal a monkey from the zoo.
- Dwight Stifler: So what's the problem? Just take the money from my bail fund.
- Bull: They're almost half of our football team. We gotta put a team on the field, man, or we are done.
- Erik Stifler: Why?
- Bull: Cause we are already on probation. We got to participate in every intermural event or we are kicked off campus, man. We are four guys short.
- Ryan: I play football.
- Cooze: I played freshman year.
- Bull: What about you?
- Erik Stifler: A little nerf here and there.
- Bull: Good enough.
- Bull: Stifler?
- Dwight Stifler: Mmm?
- Bull: Can you play?
- Dwight Stifler: Don't ever ask if Stifler can play!
- Dwight Stifler: How you feeling that strech? A little dizzy? Cause guess what? Stifler can drink this shit ALL day long.
- [takes a shot]
- Drinking Contestant: [security guard comes in and puts $200 bet on Stifler]
- [takes a shot]
- Drinking Contestant: yeaaahhh!
- Dwight Stifler: [takes his shot] You got steel nuts my man, I'll give you that, but you no match for the stif-man.
- [burps in the contestants face and he pukes]
- Dwight Stifler: Hey, cousin. How are you?
- Erik Stifler: I'm fine, Dwight. Are you ok?
- Dwight Stifler: Yeah, I'm great. Hey, I heard you killed Grandma with your cumshot.
- [Ryan and Cooze chuckling]
- Dwight Stifler: That sucks, man.
- Dwight Stifler: [1:06:33] All right bitch tits. I got a little surprise for you fuckers! Just a little pharmaceutical delight for later.
- Ryan: [46:10] I can't believe we lost to midgets.
- Dwight Stifler: Don't let those oompa-loompa bastards get to you. Right now we have more important matters to tend to, gentlemen!
- Dwight Stifler: [1:04:05] Did you really think that little beating you gave me could keep me away? You and the lollipop guild punch like a bunch of five year olds. This is MY fuckin' school!
- Cooze: [1:26:48] They don't call me everhard cause I only got one bullet in the chamber! But just to be sure
- [takes the viagra out of his sock]
- Jill: [stops him from eating it] Are you sure you should taking more of that?
- Cooze: More? I didn't take it the first time.
- Jill: We're going to have a good time tonight. Now, get your worthless ass on the bed! You peasant.
- Cooze: Excuse me?
- Jill: I said, "get on the bed, you worthless peasant!"
- Dwight Stifler: [38:10] Better get back to Oz before you get your ass stomped, Toto.
- Rock: Toto was the dog, you fucking idiot!