- Jane: [after Gray burns his skin for a trick] That is a terrible trick to do for children. What if they try and copy you?
- Steve Gray: I'll sue them. It's my trick.
- Burt Wonderstone: Are you a lesbian, Nicole?
- Jane: Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you a lesbian?
- Burt Wonderstone: Oh, no, I have slept with plenty of lesbians.
- Steve Gray: I take people's nightmares and turn them into dream-realities.
- Rance Holloway: What the fuck is a dream-reality?
- Burt Wonderstone: What the hell is a webisode?
- Rick the Implausible: Are you being serious? What's a webisode? It's... it's a show that you do on the internet, just like being on TV or having a movie except you don't go... through... you know all the hassle of... people seeing it.
- Burt Wonderstone: [dismissive of Gray's "magic" act] Let me tell you about Steve Gray. All that guy does is mumble and cut himself. Anybody can do that. My niece does that.
- Burt Wonderstone: Do you think this batch is ready?
- Anton Marvelton: I don't know. Check it.
- [Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor; after a few moments they stand up and approach the pot]
- Burt Wonderstone: Do you think this batch is ready?
- Anton Marvelton: I don't know. Check it.
- [Burt takes the lid off the pot and they immediately fall to the floor again]
- Burt Wonderstone: [Wonderstone confronts Gray in a bar] Mr. Gray. What you do is not magic. It is monkey porn.
- Steve Gray: I understand. It's natural for a dying leaf to be frightened by the autumn wind.
- Burt Wonderstone: [landing on Anton after falling out of the Hot Box] Ow, your face caught me right in the knee.
- Rance Holloway: What you're feeling right now. That sense of awe. That sense of wonderment. That sense that anything in the universe is possible. That's why you became a magician. That's why I became a magician.
- Anton Marvelton: I go to places where the children have neither food nor clean water and I give them magic.
- Reporter in Cambodia: Do you also give them food and clean water?
- Anton Marvelton: Well, no, I'm a magician - i bring magic.
- Doug Munny: [asking Burt and Anton to update their act] You've been doing the same shit since I hired you. You even come on stage to that same god damn song.
- Burt Wonderstone: It's called "Abracadabra", and it is considered a modern classic.
- Doug Munny: It's shit.
- Burt Wonderstone: Anton, what could possibly go wrong?
- Anton Marvelton: Somebody could die, we can go to prison.
- Burt Wonderstone: See? When you say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad.
- Jane: [Burt and Jane visit Rance in the hospital] What happened?
- Rance Holloway: I had a stroke. I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much fun as they tell you in the brochure.
- Young Burt: [in the school lunchroom] You're that kid who's always in the nurse's office, right?
- Young Anton: Not always. Sometimes they send me to the hospital.
- Young Burt: [he sees Anton taking out bottles of medication] What are those for?
- Young Anton: This one's for my allergies, and this one's for my asthma. And this is testosterone. My doctor says I'm dangerously close to being a girl.
- Rance Holloway: God damn! That's the worst thing I ever saw in my life. And I saw my kids being born!
- Rance Holloway: [watching Steve Gray perform] This is what they call magic these days? This is some kind of terrible shit!
- [after splitting with Anton, Burt tries to do their act by himself]
- Doug Munny: That was shit! That was shit! That was shit!
- Burt Wonderstone: I thought it went pretty damn well.
- Doug Munny: It was a train wreck!
- Burt Wonderstone: [for a trick, Steve Gray put a puppy in Burt's pants] He put a dog in my pants, Jane.
- Jane: I know.
- Burt Wonderstone: No one's ever done that to me before.
- Jane: I... hope not.
- Burt Wonderstone: He was teething!
- [shooting his cable series, Steve Gray has taunted an audience member into punching him in the face]
- Anton Marvelton: Jesus. Was that guy a plant?
- Burt Wonderstone: That looked like a real punch.
- Burt Wonderstone: The life of a child magician.
- Jane: Yes. Try being a girl child magician. They called me Magic Bitch.