Celebrity Love Island

Wow yet another reality show as if we needed another one . I mean a British audience hasn't seen one of these for at least 30 seconds by my reckoning . There's a gimmick attached though - All the contestants are celebrities , or at least celebrity singletons . Does anyone think the producers meant celebrity simpletons ? okay who have we got

Abi Titmuss a foul mouthed middle class trollop who first came to public attention because her fairly famous boyfriend was cleared of sex assault charges in a court case and who appeared in a home sex tape with her boyfriend and ... well I won't go into details since you've probably seen the tape in question . As you might expect Titmuss appears without many clothes and no air brushing and you can't help but notice she should change her name to " Flabby Titmuss "

Rebecca Loos who's claim to fame is that she's bisexual , had an affair with a very famous married footballer and appeared on another reality show where she had to collect pig semen . Hands up who felt sorry for the poor piggy ?

Jayne Middlemiss who used to work as a page three girl before becoming a TV presenter . Actually she comes across as a fairly nice human being while most of the other contestants seem to have a problem being human beings never mind fairly nice ones

Perhaps this has contributed to CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND being one of the biggest TV disasters in years . You know how the word " Celebrity " creeps up in the title ? well apart from the three people I've named I have no idea who the other ones are apart from some bloke who used to be in EASTENDERS several years ago so we're not talking megastars here . It should also be pointed out that absolutely nothing seems to happen and we just get shots of these non entities sitting by a pool sunbathing and talking about nothing of any interest . The show is censored so any libelous conversations such as one cropping up about a footballer who used to trawl car parks for sex ( You know who you are ) are cut and edited sound of splashing waves appear on the soundtrack

It might sound laughably cynical but does this show have any function other than masturbation fuel ? I mean that's probably what a great number of people tuned in for but it becomes obvious that even if a couple got it on there's no way the TV company will be broadcasting recorded highlights never mind real time rumpo so I guess that's why the audience figures took a massive dive . 6.4 million viewers watched the first episode but a couple of days later the figures were just over 3 million and it looks like the show is getting pulled long before it finishes its scheduled five week run and you have to ask why anyone thought this pile of crap was a good idea in the first place

Let this be a warning to TV producers , very little people give a toss about a CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND which is devoid of celebrities anyone would love and hopefully it will help to kill off this ridiculous obsession with reality shows . We don't want reality - We want Christopher Eccleston saving Billie Piper from evil monsters

This is a really funny celebrity reality show. its sexy, original and most of all, funny. Watching celebrities like Sophie Anderton and Lady V fighting over a bloke really cracked me up, and when Lady Victoria tipped a bottle of wine over Miss Anderton's head, i screamed in laughter!!! I am 15 years old, and currently living in the UK, and I have to say, that following Love Island for 6 whole weeks was a fun adventure. Me, my dad and his Girlfriend watched every episode and often couldn't stop laughing at Sophie's tantrums, Lee's over-obsession with sexy Colleen (bless him) the Love Triangles between Sophie, Chris, Lady Victoria and Bianca, Leo and Callum. Pure TV gold!!! I really hope another series of Love Island comes out because watching Celebs fighting, screaming and cheating was never so fun!!!

STAR RATING: ***** Unmissable **** Very Good *** Okay ** You Could Go Out For A Meal Instead * Avoid At All Costs

12 'celebrities' are dropped on a sunny, exotic island in the sun in a bid for some romance and lovin'. In turn, contestants are either voted in twos into the 'love shack' or voted off the island.

Oh dear. Oh deary, deary me. What has television come to these days?!? It's all celebrity this, celebrity that. And all the newspapers are gradually becoming more-and-more obsessed with 'the fame game' rather than reporting on real, important news. So this is what we're down to now? Gentle, exotic Jem music plays over twelve minor celebs all smiling at us in our living rooms. Or maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe there is a bit too much cruelty and saden fruede on television these days, what with the likes of I'm a 'Celebrity' Get Me Out of Here or 'Celebrity' Fear Factor (see where I'm going?) so maybe a bit of lovin' is what we all need to retain our humanity.

I was actually looking forward to Jakki Degg competing (I read that she would in The News of the World) but they obviously dropped her (must have been too Z list.) Instead, in her place, we have that twit from cr*ppy ex-girlband Atomic Kitten (nerves: shudder.) Not to mention an assortment of cr*ppy, no-name ex-soap stars who've probably had trouble getting panto work, including, among them, Michael 'worst actor in the world' Greco and some guy named Paul Danan who used to star in Hollyoaks and some other small-timers who might be hired at the grand opening of a second-hand clothes shop! It says a lot that the biggest name out the lot of them (and definitely the one being payed the most!) is Abi Titmuss. She is to this, I suppose, what Jordan was to the second before last series of IACGMOOH, a big name among small names, but not really anything more. Though having said that, Rebecca Loos is sort of Wesley Snipes to her Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man, a co-star enjoying similar sort of fame from her involvement in the Beckham affair scandal.

But to sum it all up, Celebrity Love Island tries to play to our baser instincts by trying to titillate us with the possibility of sexual shenanigans and foreplay, but actually fails to deliver what it promised and is, for the most part, just very dull and uneventful. ITV shot themselves in the foot by prohibiting any such activity to be shown, and failing to take into account that viewers were smarter than that and could put two and two together and know what was going on between certain celebs anyway. It's enjoyed disastrous ratings as a result and, like it's very recent predecessor 'Celebrity' Wrestling, might subsequently be disappearing from our screens very soon as well.

Me, I'm just waiting for Celebrity Hate Island, pitting a team of celebrities including Gordon Ramsey, Vinnie Jones, Nigel Benn, Wayne Rooney, Robert Kilroy Silk and Neil 'Razor' Ruddock on a smog sprouting island near an oil rig where every week two are selected to battle it out to the death on podiums with rusty spears. Then The Running Man will have come true...**

This may rank as one of the low points in the history of British TV;12 "celebrities" are flown off to some exotic tropical Island to see if there is any mutual attraction with each other,hopefully leading to sexual attraction.The word "celebrity" once had rather more respectful meaning for most of the 20th Century;mainly with those who had achieved fame because they deserved it,through endless hard work and great ability at their chosen field.In the 21st Century,particularly in the UK,it is now mostly associated with tawdry,dislikable,intractably pointless excuses for human beings most interested in seeing their names in equally reprehensible tabloid newspapers or c_______ magazines.(You notice I've blanked that word beginning with "c" out.To me,it's becoming far more offensive than all other profane Anglo-Saxon expletives combined)

And so it was that ITV,one of Britain's main terrestrial TV stations,decided to inflict this unbelievably awful dross for two seasons.And even more disgracefully,at peak viewing times.The young males and females displayed were attractive in a slightly superficial manner,but all hopes of anything else you would want from a good TV programme (i.e. character-filled or funny personalities,great entertainment,interesting incident,etc.) was doomed from the nano-second it began.And any hopes of seeing any dirty deeds between the contestants produced instant disappointment;maybe everyone involved knew their lucrative pay cheques would've bounced like a ping-pong ball if they had indulged in the most basic of human behaviour.

If such happenings had taken place and been seen by the viewing public,some people may have at least had a sense of personal gratification;as it was,even in heavily edited form,we witnessed a mind-numbingly dreary waste of air space,with individuals who were mostly so self-absorbed,vacuous or brutally annoying that frustrated viewers like myself wished the title had been changed to C________ DROWNING,where you could phone in to nominate every day which seedy,resistible member of this motley crew could be thrown in the nearby Ocean and just left to flounder,thereby ensuring we would hopefully never have to watch people like this in shows like this again.

To describe the list of people who took part in these two series as "Z" list is not accurate;if any person one day finds a new letter (or letters) to come after "Z",then that will be clearly apt.Currently,there are 26 letters in the English alphabet;if we ever get to the 1,000th,then you'll have reached that trough as far as this programme is concerned.

Who were the worst offenders? With so much competition,it is so difficult,but Paul Danan,desperate enough to star in both series,is the nominal winner;so amazingly smug and irritating that even a prostitute he's just paid £1,000,000 would think twice about associating with him,but he's closely followed by Abi Titmuss (notorious for her lascivious public image,but curiously reticent here,maybe because of pound signs in her eyes),Alicia Douvall(grubby groupie),Calum Best(tenth-rate playboy and a poor imitation of his late father George,but minus the peerless footballing talent),and Sophie Anderton.Yes,the ex-cokey model blubbed,scowled,sneered and caterwauled all her way out of our hearts,though she may have been the reason why TV bosses concluded that even this awful spectacle went below the lowest common denominator.By the second series,even the "C" word was dropped as the producers were reduced to persuading the stepsons and stepdaughters of actors and footballers to non-entertain us all.As for who won,well who cares? I know that deep down nobody won in the end;the losers were the British viewing public,and the producers who most probably spent several million pounds on this amazingly pointless drivel,which could have been better used on genuinely talented actors,writers and directors,making worthwhile programmes.Now that it's cancelled,will TV bosses spend similar amounts on the former,or more "reality" shows? I'm afraid I'm dreading to think....

RATING:1 out of 10.

Now whats that distinctive noise you hear?Yes your right.It's the bottom of the barrel being scraped relentlessly one more time.Only this time we have reached the end of the line.NO MORE PLEASE! This years winners were Calum Best and Bianca Gascoigne.A man famous for being the son of a famous footballer and a young woman famous for being the daughter of a woman married to a famous footballer.Speakes volumes dosen't it?Really accentuates the celebrity bit in the title dosen't it? ITV are genuinely insulting the viewers intelligence by actually allowing this piece of meaningless drivel to be broadcast.What person decided this waste of time to be deemed fit for public consumption?Surely after the rock bottom ratings for the first series it would have acted as a dose of cold,hard reality to ITV and make them execute this monstrosity but alas it was unleashed on the poor public again. Please ITV do everyone a massive favour and end this once and for all