- Dr. Ivan Hood: Hey, scumbag! You forgot something.
- Bounty Hunter #3: What?
- [he is shot by a crossbow and drops down to his knees]
- Bounty Hunter #3: Ungh... you said you're a doctor. You're supposed to heal people.
- Dr. Ivan Hood: I am. Your stupidity is terminal. And now you're cured.
- Alex: [after Dr Hood has stabbed and killed one of the aliens] They die?
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Everything dies.
- Dr. Ivan Hood: The battle isn't over until we've won, until every last alien is dead. Get it?
- President Demsky: Got it.
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Good!
- Tyler: Why do you want me to drink if you're just gonna stick me with a knife?
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Because I'm a sadist!
- Fisherman Bob: What are you doing here?
- Dr. Ivan Hood: We're looking for the president.
- Fisherman Bob: The president huh? The president's dead.
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Are you sure?
- Fisherman Bob: No. Are you sure he's alive?
- Dr. Ivan Hood: No, but we're gonna find out.
- Alex, Bizzi & Tyler: [fists in air, chanting in unison] THE PRESIDENT LIVES!
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Hey hey hey! Can we stop with that 'President Lives' crap, okay? You're not slogan repeating slaves anymore, you're free people! Start acting like it.
- Dr. Ivan Hood: You know, there were so many things in this world that I always took for granted and now that they're gone, Ooph! I miss'em!
- Bizzi: Like what?
- Dr. Ivan Hood: Well like they had these restaurants. People called them 'Greasy Spoons' and you could go in there and get eggs, toast, hash browns, and coffee for nine ninety nine, and the waitress would come around FOUR times and ask you if everything was alright, and then forget to give you coffee. And uh, scanning up and down the radio dial lookin' for a good song and only finding ones that you don't like, y'know. And, like, BASKETBALL!... even though my team never won and we never got into the playoffs. And crappy TV shows... I dunno.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: In the beginning, there was the heavens and the earth, and it was green.