Busty Cops

"Busty Cops" is the kind of movie I come across while flipping by the channels at night. I didn't really plan on watching it the first time I saw it, but I'm glad I stuck around for the whole thing.

It starts out as a standard crime caper--three women are bumped off at a porn movie shoot, and nobody knows who did it. Enter the Busty Cops--Max (Nikki Nova), Chloe (Jesse Jane), and Ashley (Katie James). They're supposed to represent the best and the "bustiest" the force has to offer, so they go deep undercover as porn stars (not much of a stretch here) in order to solve the mystery. It's CTCWB, no doubt about that--but it's much, much more than that.

The story itself only exists to get the girls to the house--after that, it takes a back seat and lets the Busty Cops do the rest. These women use the most ordinary situations as excuses to take their clothes off and engage in HLA--Hot Lesbian Action. For example, as soon as they get to the house where the porno is being shot, Chloe suggests they all take a shower. Why? Who knows, they're naked--and fulfilling the softcore movie requirement of at least one shower scene. Later on in the movie, the girls come downstairs and find nothing to eat in the fridge--but there just happens to be cans of whip cream and plenty of bottles of chocolate syrup just waiting on the counter. Why? Who cares, they're naked--and covered in chocolate syrup.

Also, don't miss a sexy scene featuring Angel Cassidy, who's trying out to be a Busty Cop. "Let me show you my qualifications," she says, and then proceeds to do a little standard-issue striptease. At that point, I couldn't even remember what the plot of the movie was. Let's not even start on the "Fortress of Bustitude." Wow.

Of course, there was plenty of hilarious dialogue, and even though the director's name read Harold Blueberry, this thing had Jim Wynorski's fingerprints all over it. Jim and Fred Olen Ray have the screwball sex comedy B-movie down to a science. The ending sequence, showing funny outtakes and an interview with the cast, was funny and satirical at the same time. It made fun of other movies that have weepy, sugary-sweet cast interviews about how great it was to make the film, and all that great stuff.

I haven't talked about the sex yet, because there wasn't very much of it. The opening sequence three-way and a decent scene featuring Jesse Jane was about all the sex there was. Of course, there was plenty of HLA, but that goes without saying.

I consider this movie tapeworthy, even though there wasn't a whole lot in the "Sex" department. The sex scenes weren't that long and were largely comic in nature, but they served their purpose. If you like comedy along with your naked women, this is the movie for you.

Women: A- (I liked Jesse Jane and Angel Cassidy. Katie James had that "wholesome" look. Nikki Nova took some getting used to, but she's not bad at all.)

Sex: B- (It was average at best. A few sex scenes, but nothing too hot and heavy--even the all-girl scenes were simply OK. The extra points are for the chocolate syrup/whip cream exchange. I liked that.)

Story: C (From what little story there was, it did what it was supposed to do, and that was have an ending. If it didn't have that, this film gets an F for sure. It had a couple of spots where it dragged a little, too. Since I at least got an ending out of it, and since I enjoyed the funny dialogue, I'll be nice and give it a C in this category.)

Overall: A- (I'm giving this movie an A- because it was a funny movie throughout, and I like watching comedies. The 2/3 of a point deduction comes from the story dragging in places. This film would normally get a B or a B+ from me, but thanks to Jesse Jane's determination to go as long as possible without clothes, I'll give "Busty Cops" some extra credit points. I'd recommend this movie to anyone who likes sexy, screwball comedy B-movies.)

Okay, so here's a soft-core film with some a couple good jokes and plenty of female nudity. And hey, there's even outtakes at the end!

Look, this isn't Shakespeare and, thank God, it doesn't try to be. It's a paper-thin plot full of excuses to have random scenes of women with fake breasts groping each other and smearing food products and soap on each other. It's pretty much all girl-on-girl stuff and that's about it. If all you are looking for is a movie to jerk your gherkin to, you pretty much found it. And as far as comedic soft-core films, this is probably one of the funnier/better ones.

If the movie is boring you, try this drinking game to get yourself totally sloshed. Every time a character breaks the fourth wall (looks at/talks to the camera or establishes that an audience is present), take a shot. 45 minutes into it and you'll be tanked.

An open letter to Jim Wynorski:

In the 80's and earlier 90's you used to be such a good talent. But ever since the Clinton administration your product has been on a steady decline. Now I've seen "Busty Cops" and have lost all faith. I guess it takes talent to have that much nudity and still be not the least bit erotic or entertaining. Oh yeah, the outakes/fake interview to pad out the credits was horrid beyond belief. What has happened to you? That's a rhetorical question, as I never expect an answer to this rambling, I just had to get it off my chest. This is the last film I will ever see a 'movie' with your name attached to it, my friend.

My Grade: F

Where i saw it: Cinemax

Truly one of the poorest made B movies ever committed to video. The opening scene is quite promising, but why are the actresses looking at the camera? It is an incredibly hot scene, though, and well worth staying up late for. Mr. Jacobson's lines are extremely funny and well delivered. But the incredible cast of hard porn actresses are laughable only in their apparent and obvious incompetence. most of the film is an homage to plastic surgery and breast enhancement. The outtakes at the end make the film worth watching. The hissy fits thrown by Seanna Ryan and Nikki Nova are priceless. Seanna insists that she is not an actress. well, she has gotten that right! Nikki becomes upset during an interview and storms away from the camera. Jesse Jane remains, trooper that she is, and bears the brunt of the viewers judgment. Quite a sympathetic moment. Was that really Kelli Summers? I found that so hard to believe after seeing her in Lord of the G-Strings.

If you enjoy surgically enhanced breasts, then you must watch this show. If you do not enjoy surgically enhanced breasts, then you are not likely to enjoy the show. I think there is very little more criteria for determining who will enjoy this and who will not, since the surgically enhanced breasts are nearly the entire show.

As for plot, it is done with a sense of humor and does have the advantage of comedy. I think the plot could have been written during dinner with a few friends having a little fun.

The women are good comedians. As for acting, let's just assume that they knew it would be more humorous if they did not act well. Okay?