Satan's Playground

I just wasted 80 minutes of my life watching this trash. What the hell was that? No one fought back. All they did was scream. I mean there is "unrealistic" horror, sure. But this was "UNREALISTIC" horror. If you can call it that. I heard Dante was a "great" horror director. I guess I was dead wrong. The cover makes it look pretty good and then ...nope. I recommend Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. Most of the time I just laughed, and not good laughter. Just because it was pathetic. It just goes to show that the cover of the DVD can really be deceiving. I don't think I will ever watch a Dante movie again. Don't waste your time. Not even 1 out of 10.

Okay, I first heard of this film with the return of Ellen Sandweiss who was in Evil Dead and despite any other cinematic features she may have been apart of, E.D. was the last I had saw her. And no, it's not that I think Ellen's actings skills are superb, it's not because she was raped by a tree (although that was dope), but it's because I find her attractive-

Okay, so movie on, I do agree with the previous reviewer on how there was/is a certain buzz about this film and so I went to my local crap-busters to see if they had a copy in stock. Luckily, they did and so I rented it and went home to see what was all the hype about.

Basically, in a nutshell, the movie is about all the crazy things that happen in the Pine Barrens of S. New Jersey. You got a retarded psychopathic family, satanists, and the Jersey Devil or more appropriate-The Jersey translucent bat.

I like abstract, atmospheric, dark ambient stuff but a film like this fails in comparison with "The Wendigo."

The things that I liked about the movie was the part of Grandma Leeds (played by Irma St. Paule) sniffing cocaine (infact, her performance throughout was rather good), the stupid hiker guy who got his throat slashed by the Jersey translucent bat, and the guy who played Sean,the retarded son (he did a good job on acting retar; oops, "special" with the drool included), and of course the appearance of Felicia Rose (Mama-Mia).

What I didn't like about the movie was noticing that something wasn't all too there with them before they found the Leeds. Ellen's character was a bit slow and out there. The only normal guy in the movie was the pops (the big Jersey Italian guy) before he got cranially reamed by a mallet, the cop who just appeared out of nowhere at the Leed's house because he had a complaint about devilworshipping kids whipping people on their front lawn, when the cop gets slashed and killed in his patrol car (which was parked down the dirt road from where the station wagon was), Ellen lifts her head from the cover later and notices the cop car but not paying attention to when the guy was getting killed (wtf), and the slow, weird motions of the characters like when Felicia's running (yes, I know it was suppose to be abstract), and the retarded, psycho looking fat heffer of a girl with gray eyes smiling all crazy, and last but not least everybody at the hospital near the end acting all unattached to the survivor.

Now, first off if I'd seen a psycho looking girl with gray eyes smiling all crazy in the woods, I'd know something's up and if I went into some old torn down shack of a house where it looked crazy and humanly impossible of living in, that would be point two.

Question 1: And did you notice that nobody has cellphones at all? Question 2: What do you think happened to the baby?

By looking at a movie within the first 3 minutes, I know if it's good or not and I like things to be realistic especially for a (it could happen type of movie) and this failed miserably for my expectations.

Of course, there's people all in the woods of the great pine barrens Satanists, hikers, other girls with car trouble, the Jersey translucent devil bat, hence Satan's playground.

One thing that I think I understand in a sub level is grandma Leeds is a witch, the Jersey translucent devil bat is her familiar/demon, and the satanist perform rituals on her lawn because that's what we just do, lol. The hints to this is because in dialog with Sean, she said that she had 13 kids who all were bad. Whatever, I like Wendigo because for me it's more grounded and it brings the darkness more to realistic level.

But don't take my word for it, what I might hate would be genius to you and vice versa.

I am tired of wasting my time with pathetic horror. The worst acting you've ever seen, and you immediately hope all of the main characters die soon.The movie had just started when you get the "Did you hear that?" line. Oh my God...I have finally realized that there is no American horror any more. The production value is castrated by amateurish acting. American horror needs something other than "a band of crazies out in the wilderness terrorizing a family." The emphasis on the Home Depot "scary" door knocker is totally laughable. The only redeeming factor is a trailer for Evil Dead, which is a much better film.I stopped this one fast and sailed it across the room.

With SATAN'S PLAYGROUND, Director Dante Tomaselli takes the bleak nightmare world of his last effort, HORROR, and fuses it with a more linear story line. It's a supernatural monster movie with a crazy, demonic twist. Within its kitchen sink of terrors are the legendary Jersey Devil, a lunatic family, and human sacrifice.

1980's cult horror icons Ellen Sandweiss and Felissa Rose play sisters Paula and Donna, who, along with Paula's baby and Donna's husband and autistic son, find themselves up against the aforementioned dangers. Also along for the ride is Edwin Neal, who pretty much reprises his bat$h!t role from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

Tomaselli makes use of the Pine Barrens, swooping his camera around a la EVIL DEAD. People seem to either hate this movie utterly, or see it as a masterpiece. In reality, it's somewhere in between these extremes, deserving none of the hyperbole of either side. Still, it is worth seeing...

I don't know what I have more contempt for: this movie or the people who lionize it. It's by far one of the worst movies of all time. Not because it's acting is bad, the music ques obvious, the story completely ludicrous; but because none of this was intentional. I read how people think Dante's a genius for his camp and retro references and lame excuses like it's meant to be bad.

But unlike post modernist gems, like the demo film in "Dodge Ball" or Austin Powers, this film takes itself entirely seriously. There's no wink, wink, nudge, nudge saying that it's meant to be that way. If you don't believe me, listen to Dante in the interviews. He really thinks his work is visionary when it's actually, recycled clichés not done well. Critics and fans have been seduced by decent music and great production design and cinematography. At the core is bad acting playing out a play school story.

At least the films he so much extols from the 70's and 80's, had a certain level of craft that DT clearly lacks. Spooky lighting, framing and production design cannot in of itself create genuine tension and suspense that the films from 70's had. Don't Look Now, Audrey Rose, The Thing all had wonderfully crafted plots, with good actors and were told in a way that made your insides churn and your bladder weak.

DT's sense of pace and plot are remedial at best. A hammer in the head is a nice way to whack someone but in of itself it's just like saying "boo" when someone comes around a corner. A little shock. But with no build up, it leaves you cold with no lasting experience.

All of SP's kills are staged like this. No build up. As Hitchcock said, it's not the surprise but everything leading up to it. And for God's sake, learn to stage violence or get a decent stunt coordinator and editor. 500,000.00 maybe peanuts to Hollywood but no reason to have kills that kids pretending to play WWF in their back yard can out do.

Further testament to a lousy story is that he cannot seem to cast good actors, in any of his films. Not like they have to be famous but they're loads of unknowns who can act circles around DT's hall of fame lineup. I believe he avoids them because skilled actors will expose his crap stories and his inability to direct them. Bad actors are like cattle - they're all too happy to be alive on a set. In fact, the key to low budget horror is casting good actors.

I believe his fans, like most gore heads are social misfits who can only find a sense of belonging by hailing tripe like SP. You know, the kid who thinks it's cool to like really bad movies. There's a reason none of films get theatrical.