Curse of the Forty-Niner

This was bad enough. I really hope that there is no sequel. Maybe that is giving away part of the plot to let you know that it is open to the possibility, but no, it really isn't.

There is really not at all special about this movie. Well, the special effect were fairly good, but nothing to write home about.

There were some hot babes in her, especially Elina Madison and Alexandra Ford, but nothing to see folks. PG-13, definitely not an R. That also tells you the slasher aspects were less than spectacular. The shovel to the head was the only thing that was unusual.

Tame scare fare.

"Curse of the Forty-Niner" doesn't really deserve a long and detailed review, so I'll just make some random observations about it:

• Cool opening credits.

• No plot.

• Is there anyone who's ever seen a horror film before and can't guess, within the first 20 minutes, who will survive and who will not among this group of walking stereotypes?

• Hey, that newcomer (Alexandra Ford) is pretty hot!

• Richard Lynch (made-up to look about 100 years old) and John Phillip Law have fun, tongue-in-cheek cameos.

• Karen Black has a bigger role, but she's not fun - she's rather embarrassing.

• Martin Kove is on-screen for about 40 seconds, but still got his name on the video cover. Did they pay him for this appearance or was it the other way around?

• I hate cheap computer-generated effects in horror films.

*1/2 out of 4.

First of all, this movie isn't meant to be taken seriously and doesn't even take itself all that seriously. In some movies this works brilliantly, but in this it just kind of gets tired. It's not completely unentertaining, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. They fit so many horror movie cliches into the first several minutes of the movie that I thought it was going to be a better horror-comedy than it was, but I found myself groaning more than laughing.

"Prospector slasher movie" is about all you need for a synopsis, honestly. Nothing in this will surprise you.

It was fun to see some B-movie icon appearances like Richard Lynch, Karen Black, and Martin Kove, but their on-screen time is very limited. They easily were the most fun to watch. Fun fact: The prospector slasher is played byVernon Wells, who played Bennett in Commando. Yeah, the "Let off some steam, Bennett" guy. Haha.

The production is good, the main cast is attractive, the cameos are great, and the kill scenes are pretty decent, but in the end, it feels like a movie you've seen a hundred times already.

My copy goes by the name of Miner's Massacre.

I can't read the credits. Is that a bad sign? What else can they screw up?

Three couples who, quite frankly, seem to hate each other, go on a camping trip in search of some lost gold. What they don't know about is the curse of the Forty-Niner, Jeremiah Stone. If someone steals his gold, his ghost comes back to kill them. Wait. "I Want Me Gold!" This is cribbed straight from the pages of Leprechaun. Anyway, they steal the gold, get hunted, and find out from a hysterical, overwrought Aunt Nelly (Karen Black) that they need to return it to stop the curse. A few things amused me. Jeremiah bites off his own finger for no reason. A fender bender turns into a massive two car explosion. And Aunt Nelly has apparently never heard of stop, drop, and roll.

My mate and I chose to watch this obvious piece of junk purely based on its tagline… After nearly 30 years of lousy and rudimentary teen slashers, I can't believe that only just now some nerdy horror brainiac come up with the brilliantly witty slogan "They Axed for it"! Other than that, "Miner's Massacre" is just as random, annoying and forgettable as all the rest out there…. Perhaps even more! The script contains all the typical clichés and features all the dreadfully stereotypic characters you wish a horrible and painful death to. The gore effects are computer engineered and thus beyond pitiable and the obligatory "big" stars (Karen Black, John Philip Law and Richard Lynch) are entirely wasted in spite of their top billing. Cursed mines and abandoned ghost towns form an ideal horror setting – the creators of "My Bloody Valentine" already figured that out in the early 80's – but his dull film simply hasn't got any innovative ideas or even remotely surprising elements to offer. Bunch of greedy twenty-something losers, which refer to themselves as friends even though they clearly can't stand each other, desecrate an ancient mine in search of the gold that is allegedly hidden there. Of course they unwarily resurrect the zombie miner this way and he just 150 years of rest in order to prepare for a massive teen massacre. Yay! The cast is exceptionally irritating in this one. The girls all have impressive racks but refuse to show anything. Instead, they all prefer endless whining and the taking of needless risks. The dim-witted blokes clearly just serve as screen fillers. In her barely five minutes of playtime, Karen Black still manages to make an utter fool out of herself by depicting the most prototypic and hysterical local nut woman ever. The zombie has a stupid and very unconvincing face, but he looks okay and reasonably menacing when shown in the distant shadow of the moonlight whilst swinging around his pick-axe. Since the best thing about "Miner's Massacre" concerns the aforementioned tagline and you can read that on the box in the video store itself, there's very little else to recommend here. Director John Carl Buechler scored a few modest hits during the eighties, like notably the original "Troll" and a fair "Friday the 13th" sequel, but it's obviously time to retire now.