Nine Lives

It's bad. But it takes itself very seriously, and it's not bad enough to be enjoyably bad. When will someone let Paris Hilton completely loose, so she can make a truly abominable film? I'm talking something of "Glen or Glenda" caliber. That's why I rented the flick -- I was hoping for a true abortion of cinema. Instead, this film is merely born brain damaged,

Things get close to deliciously terrible when one of the characters begins to piece together parts of the puzzle. Without spoiling the plot, it goes a little like this:

"Wait a minute! Maybe the Titanic didn't sink! Maybe it was a ship from outer space! That would mean the iceberg is still out there, trying to get revenge!"

"It's crazy! But it's the only thing that makes sense!"

And then it turns out that this really is the plot of the movie.

You get that here, only the premise of the film is so incredibly bland, you couldn't care less. People wandering around in a mansion, being chased. Whoopee. If only they would die faster.

Sometimes you just wish that you had stopped to look up a movie on IMDb before you actually sit down to watch it. But then again, the fact that the movie had Paris Hilton on the cover should be more than sufficient to raise the alarm signals.

Yet, I ended up watching the 2002 movie "Nine Lives" from writer and director Andrew Green anyway. Why? Well, solely because it was listed as a horror movie, and also because it was a movie that I hadn't already seen. So of course, I gave the movie a shot, even though Paris Hilton was in it.

And as it turned out - as I had dreaded - the movie was a complete waste of time.

The storyline told in "Nine Lives" was just mundane and boring. I mean, there was literally nothing interesting in the entire movie, yet I kept hanging in there, hoping for something of any worth to take place on the screen. I was sorely disappointed and just wasted my time. I am amazed at how it is possible to write such a bland and boring storyline.

And the acting in the movie was, for the most parts, actually fair enough. Sure, it was by no means award-winning performances, and some managed to do better than others, none mentioned, none forgotten. But the actors and actresses were indeed severely hindered by a lack of proper writing, script and characters to work with.

For a horror movie, then "Nine Lives" didn't cut it. In fact, it didn't even make it off of the starting line. This was anything but scary in every part.

My rating of "Nine Lives" lands on a generous two out of ten stars, based mostly on the effort they put into the movie and the production value. Some of us suffered from a movie such as this so you don't have to. Take heed, and don't waste your time, money or effort on this one. I guarantee that once you make it through this movie, you'll only have one life left.

Nine friends celebrate at a mansion in Scotland. After a little dinner and drinking and too much conversation, one friend stumbles upon a curse and one by one the guests are faced with the threat of death.

This film has so many problems with it, I don't know where to begin. First, the film "stars" Paris Hilton, even though she has the smallest role in the movie. I suspect her presence is the only reason the film was picked up at all, even though she serves no purpose and cannot act in this movie to save her life (she's worse in this than in "House of Wax").

When the Lions Gate logo came on, my friend and I thought we might be safe. Lions Gate makes some great films. Well, they make bad films, too, it seems. What possessed them to put their name on here, I don't know. With all due respect, I hope they lost money.

The first half of the film is a dinner scene with people sitting and talking about literally nothing. Nothing of interest, nothing related to the plot, nothing. A brief philosophical debate arises, but goes nowhere. As my friend says, this film was very innovative for a horror film: it might have been the first one that tried to kill the audience.

The death scenes are horrible. Basically, all deaths consist of a stabbing in the stomach: a magic stabbing! Shirts are never torn, but somehow a small blood stain appears and the victim becomes quite dead at a rapid pace.

None of the actors are worth caring about and the whole film is in shambles. Most annoying for me (besides the utter boredom) was the tendency to remind us we were in Scotland (the words "Scotland" or "Scotish" were repeated many times... for no reason. And there was a golf club).

This film is even too slow and pointless for "Mystery Science Theater 3000", so if there is a way to make something blink out of existence (like a memory hole), someone please make this your first target.

Aside from the bad acting, horrible script, and super lacking storyline, you think someone in/during production would have made sure the kills were at least somewhat more believable. Shallow gut stabs will not kill. And as soon as blood is shown, character dies. It was interesting enough and that's why I gave a couple stars but would have been extremely upset had I paid to watch this movie.

Arriving at a friends' secluded house, a group of friends partying for the weekend find themselves killed one-by-one by their friends possessed by a murderous ancestor and tries to stop them from continuing the rampage.

This was quite a decent if flawed effort. One of the better elements within this one is the rather enjoyable setting here, with the increasingly elaborate layout in the different floors, overflow of rooms and snowbound setting all creating an absolutely phenomenal setting for the events here that not only plays into the isolation of the group but the disorienting nature of the house makes the stalking even more chilling. That also becomes another big part of this one in that the pretty-tense stalking here throughout the film comes off rather nicely with the tension starting with the initial attack in the bathroom and the discovery of the body that affects the group rather deeply being a fine start here. There's a couple of rather intriguing assaults here based on the knowledge acquired from that attack comes into play for them, as scenes of the group going through the halls or down into the basement that follows up the film's best part in the fun chasing in the final half as the impact of the storyline and the layout makes for some really fun action scenes with a sense of tension from the feeling of who's who in here as the possession really takes hold for a frantic, enjoyable time. There here are enough to hold this off somewhat from the flaws within here. The biggest issue with this one is the fact that the film never manages to go all the way with anything in here, as the gore is simply non-existent relying solely on knives impaled in places which is just quite dull both in concept and execution as the same, continuous death scenes just get old after awhile. Likewise, the lack of action here from that low-key nature really stands out by managing to drain the tension out from a large portion of the film by never going all out the way its premise provides the potential for. That as well is the film's final flaw which really stands out here being the rather puzzling premise which certainly allows for a great time here with the possession and stalking angle yet never does anything really interesting or original with it. These here are what keep the film down.

Rated R: Violence and Language.