The Long Island Cannibal Massacre

The good thing About HomeMade shot-on video movies is when there bad there still worth watching like this one. About this movie wow where do i begin first a girl is hit with a pike and has her face run over with a lawn mower by a killer wearing a blue hood and goggles who is one of three cannibals. The main character starts talking to a trash bag full of cut up Bodies A zombie or (mutant leper) with a crusty brown face wanting food and eating some of the bodies in the trash bag. The movie is a mess but it's a funny mess there's lots of gore but no real violence when ever someone is cut with a knife or hit with a hammer it's not shown or cuts away. The Acting and Effects are the worst i ever seen the camera-work is terrible but it's worth a look i saw it online i don't know where to find a tape or DVD of it. We meet the Cannibals father a dark figure with a scary voice hiding in the woods that turns out to be a blue monster.

In the late 70's, Nathan Schiff brought us an unbelievably bad, unintentional parody of z-grade garbage, Weasels Rip My Flesh. Some years later, this guy brought us a film I hope I never see, They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore. Somewhere between the Weasel movie, and the one about the cutting of the grass, Schiff, with his lack of everything, unleashed this embarrassment of a homage, yet another unintentional parody, this time, of the gore genre. Fake-looking now has a whole new meaning, thank's to Long Island Cannibal Massacre! Another Schiff home movie, appearing to be after a grade, as opposed of a profit, which only tells me this garbage doesn't even count... I don't know, I guess there's a story, record-breakingly unrealistic killings performed by a couple dudes, one of which wears a pillowcase on his head, who have some kind of a deal going with Mr. Mustache, from the Weasel movie. Anyway, the cops don't know what to do, and incoherent conversation after dismal gore effect after painfully pointless scene. Everyone has their limits, and I draw the line with Schiff. I don't know what it is, there's just something about the "work" of Nathan Schiff that gets under my skin, I mean, other than the fact that it's boring, and gives low-budget cinema a bad name. It's certainly not the fact that it was shot on video, I'm down with the super-8... I think it's that mustache guy, I don't like that guy! Don't get me wrong, I probably couldn't have done any better than this, but then again, I've never tried, and I would imagine it wouldn't require film school to do so. If you dig the Z-grade, do yourself a favor and check out something by Tim Ritter, or even Ray Dennis Steckler. So, just turn around, walk away, and forget about Long Island. The gore is much nicer in Florida. 1/10

I don't even know how to comment on this one. LONG ISLAND CANNIBAL MASSACRE is supposed to be awful since it's low budget horror. But the acting in this film is worst than anything I have ever seen. As a result, most of the scenes are unbearable and it is not a very fun movie to watch - even if it is a horror. Nonetheless, if you are able to make it to the end of this film without fast-forwarding, you are in for quite a treat. I'm not to going to give away any spoilers but the conclusion of LICM makes it worth the viewing. I also suggest you check on the special features on your DVD. Director Nathan Schiff clearly thinks he's Jean Luc Godard.

Either way, as a filmmaker myself, I have a huge amount of respect for Schiff and his feature film. As a high schooler, he managed to make what some might consider a cult classic. Good for him. But, make sure you're ready.

PLOT

A brutal series of murders has Long Island police baffed. Now its up to tough-as-nails Inspector Cameron (J. Smihula) to solve this blood-spattered riddle , which by the way , leads to an unspeakable secret….

COMMENTS

This is another `non-budget' horror flick by Nathan Schiff which I bought immediately as it appeared on Amazon , Feb. 25. After watching `They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore' I was ready for this one kind of knowing what could Schiff show audience in this flick. Well , I wasn't disappointed. The movie is 92 mins long , and its set better that `They Don't Cut…'. As always there is blood , guts ,organs and everything else all around but at least this flick has sort of a plot. It has some detective/thriller elements , though they are very childish and cannot be taken seriously. The acting is poor as always in Schiff's movies but also better than in `They Don't Cut…' . John Smihula along with Fred Borges give solid performances, enough I think not to fall asleep. Actually you won't be able to fall asleep every time a murder scene starts. Everything is shown up-close and in very graphic manner. Some elements such as cannibal masks , ripped body parts look pretty unrealistic , which is good at some point , for weak-stomached viewers. For gore hounds , other effects such as flesh ripping and cannibalism are very well made and look truly disgusting. Other options of this movie are less successful. Dialogs are short , stupid at times and make you think that N. Schiff wrote them for kids.

Movie is shot with a cheap home camera & doesn't look professional (which is typical for N. Schiff's movies). Every time a new scene begins you can hear a sound of a camera being turned on (or something like that).

Music is annoying and makes you search for a 'mute' button after 25-30 minutes. DVD quality is not really good but watchable. Extras include gallery , trailers for : `They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore' and `Weasels Rip My Flesh' , interviews with John Smihula , Fred Borges and the director himself Nathan Schiff.

OVERALL

Recommended for gore hounds only. Don't expect anything else from this movie. If you like `They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore' and `Weasels Rip My Flesh' , then you will like this one. Otherwise avoid it , don't even bother.

A pair of bloodthirsty killers (a biker and a guy with a pillowcase on his head) sell their victims' dismembered remains to weirdo Jack, who feeds the body parts to a group of cannibalistic lepers, led by his own hideously disfigured father. Inspector James Cameron goes undercover to investigate the murders, but is forced to turn vigilante when normal police procedure proves ineffective.

Nathan Schiff's enthusiasm and dedication to his art is admirable: armed with nothing but a Super 8mm camera, a bucket or two of offal, and a gang of amateur 'actors', he has thrown together several no-budget gorefests that have, over the years, garnered something of a cult following (in contrast, my own home-made horror, Farnham Flesheaters, has wallowed in development hell for 25 years, due to my general apathy—although I did get as far as designing the poster).

Unfortunately, Schiff's devotion to his work is a lot more impressive than the finished product.

The cheapo splatter, which includes a cheerfully crap lawnmower murder, a couple of juicy disembowelments, assorted flesh tearing, two head crushings, and a pretty impressive chainsaw dismemberment, is admittedly fun and the film occasionally displays some ingenuity (such as Jack's crazy conversation with a bin bag full of body parts), but the negatives easily cancel out the positives.

Inane dialogue, awful acting, lousy picture quality, clumsy editing, and dreadful sound (the whirr of the camera motor being clearly audible in many scenes) all mar the production: there are endless bland shots of cars, trees, and scenery that serve no purpose; the script features boring conversations that do nothing to further the plot; logic takes a serious nosedive with the idiotic revelation of the pillow-case wearing killer's true identity; and for a trashy horror, there's a distinct lack of nudity (I suppose it's easier to talk your friends' sisters into getting their heads bashed in than it is to get them to take their kit off).

Still, I suppose there's always the unintentionally funny bits to enjoy: Jack's monstrous father, who talks like he's gargled glass and uses outmoded words such as 'thy', 'thine' and 'thou'; the goof where cop Dave (Michael Siegal) calls his friend Jim (John Smihula) by his own name; and the leprosy guy who looks like he's had his face pushed in manure.