Evil Alien Conquerors

If you're not into movies that are so stupid, they're funny... don't watch this movie. It's strictly for those, who enjoy a good no brainer film once in a while. OR die hard fans of this sort of comedy. Now, when I say stupid, I mean this with the utmost respect. The more I watch this movie, the more I like it and I REALLY liked it the first time. Helps that I'm a big huge fan of Diedrich Bader.

I'm not going to go into detail about the movie, simply because it needs to be seen to be appreciated. Remember, don't expect Oscar winning performances from anyone, just enjoy it for what it is. A good, stupid movie. Otherwise, you will die in agony. You will die begging for mercy and they will gladly provide it. Evil Alien Conquerors, THEY RULE!

I recently saw this film at a Northwest Film Center presentation, and it was SHEER BRILLIANCE. I admit, I did not enjoy myself the whole way through (some jokes were a bit overdone) but I must admit, a good portion of the movie was goddamn hilarious just from the simplicity of it all. My personal favorite was the constant agonizing over nudies (they had... NUDIES!) or the crazed devotion to Smirnoff Ice.

If you're in the dark as to the plot, the basic storyline is that two alien warriors (Evil Alien Conquerors, in fact) are sent to Earth to behead the entire human race. They can blend in easily because their race is completely identical to the humans (some would say that this is a low budget technique to save money on costumes) and the beheading won't be that hard because the two conquerors have giant swords. But when they get to Earth they figure out that they only have two and a half days to behead all of humanity, and their swords have become tiny. Oh, and we can't forget that if every human isn't beheaded within two and a half days a giant will be sent to eat the failed conquerors, and then behead mankind himself.

Speaking as someone who loathed such witless films as DUMB AND DUMBERER, Chris Mathieson's film EVIL ALIEN CONQUERORS was never an obvious choice. But Mathieson's reputation as a writer of minor cult material (The BILL AND TEDs 1 & 2, MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD) gave this, frequently slated, vehicle some curiosity value. Two gormlessly arrogant aliens, 'Du-ug' and 'My-ik' from the planet Kabijj arrive on Earth with a mission to behead the population within 48 hours. Unfortunately the deadly swords they've brought meant for the job are reduced to the size of cocktail sticks on arrival. While they think up alternate plans to enslave humanity, they become temporary lodgers with slacker Kenny. Now awaiting in terror the arrival of their alien enforcer Croker they are strangely drawn by the discovery of two odd mono-browed women at the laundrette, and the attractions of hairy feet..

CONQUERORS demands a particular sense of humour to enjoy it thoroughly which undoubtedly splits audiences down the middle (my girlfriend for instance told me never to play it in her presence again) but I found it continuously amusing, with few flat moments. Despite the ramshackle nature of it all, there's a lot here that's just naive and plumb-weird enough to stay in the mind. This while it comes nowhere near the grim, unfunny commercialism of a DUMB AND DUMBERER. The difference is that the off the wall naivity of CONQUERORS is a saving grace, not a lumbering handicap. Mathieson clearly wrote out what *he* thought was ludicrous on a micro budget. The cast play the result through straight, with never a distracting wink-wink made to an waiting audience, who at first might expect some recognition of such a personal joke. Du-Ug's continuous threats of "you will die in agony!!" to all who annoy him; the weird vocal play between the two aliens and their jump suit uniforms; the arrival of the much feared Croker, always shouting "I am the Mighty Croker!!" but unable to understand how feeble he really is, in the fast food restaurant ("we've got another one" says the bored til girl); the Lynchian mono-browed women, the balloon flying device, the My-ik's obsession with Smirnoff Ice; it all adds up to a package which is by no means terrible IMHO, if not side splitting, but quotably crackpot enough in a Saturday NIGHT LIVE sort of way to warrant seeking out as a real oddity.

A pair of red-jumpsuited dingbats (Bader & Parnell) are sent to Earth by their flatulant overlord to behead all 6 billion Earthlings because, um, well, ... they need a hobby? It doesn't really matter, as the thin plot is just a hanger for failed jokes, mediocre sight-gags, and the worst hairy feet make-up this side of "Lord of the Rings." What might have been a decent five-minute "Mad-TV" skit is stretched into infinity in this enthusiastic time-waster. So bad, Tori Spelling refused to be listed in the credits!

This movie feels like a sketch turned into a feature film, and compared to the various times that has been actually been done (ie: every SNL movie) it compares favorably. It does not quite have enough to sustain a film, and every joke gets hammered into the ground, but most of them hold up better than one would expect. For all its repetition it is anything but formulaic, and many things that should not work work through sheer earnestness, originality, and a skill for clever variations. It is one of the few films I have ever seen where the gimmick of it being ultra-low budget was fairly consistently charming rather than just a matter of necessity. In terms of laughs per-dollar spent it is actually pretty damned effective.

It's really stupid, but everyone involved commits so hard to the stupidity that it occasionally becomes weirdly inspired. Objectively I'd put it somewhere in the four or five star range as a work of film, but it gets a couple extra stars for being memorable, original, unique, and generally endearing.