The Karate Dog

Where to begin with THE KARATE DOG, a terrible movie from beginning to end. What could of been a funny movie ends up being a snoozer. Or, is that a woofer? Anyway, everyone is wasted in this movie. Now, I know Simon Rex is no, well, he's not much of anything but he has been in better movies than this crap fest. Jaime Pressly, his love interest, must of graduated from C.A.C., CRAP ACTRESS COLLEGE, cause if she does have any acting talent of any kind she damn sure doesn't display it here. Watching her act is like pooping razor blades, pretty damn painful. No, I've never pooped razor blades but you know it would be painful. Hell, it would probably kill you. And what's up with Jon Voight? His performance as the bad guy is so over-the-top it is pathetic. I will admit, Cho-Cho is quite unique but even the Karate Dog can't hold this movie together. I did laugh in this movie. It wasn't at anything that was said or done though. It was at the damn CGI, so crappy it made my eyes sore. They say not to lay down with sleeping dogs cause you'll wake up with fleas and I'll never lay down to watch this movie again. Damn, something's biting me!!!

A dog suspended from the ceiling by a cable attached to a harness. Pat Morita pretending to be Chinese. A dog coaching a human on what to say to his dinner date through an earpiece from the bushes. A police detective who owns a million dollar house on the San Francisco bay. A Dalmatian that plays the cello. A fat kid with an earring. A terrier djing the party and scratching on the turntables. A woman who never closes her mouth. A movie named KARATE dog where everyone is supposed to be doing Chinese martial arts. A bumbling, overzealous dog catcher who keeps all the animals in a Guantanamo bay styled facility where they scrawl "woof" and other graffiti on the wall.

Sound great already? It only gets better: A dog takes on 5 human assassins who just defeated his human master and beats them into submission using the martial prowess he achieved spending much of his life as his masters top student. In a flurry of punches and kicks he renders all of them unconscious and/or sets their butt on fire. He bites the leader on the wrist (who is wearing a mask) and spends the rest of the movie trying to solve the mystery of the bitten leader by looking for visual clues such as a band-aids on the wrist etc. Apparently, the greatest canine martial artist to ever live made some sort of Faustian deal where he traded in his canine sense of smell for the ability to roundhouse kick people who are over 6 feet tall.

An all dog band called "the puppies". A repairman disguise kit for infiltrating hi-tech corporate headquarters that says "barker industries" on the back. A Trojan'd compact disc that literally blows up every computer within a 50 foot radius and cuts the building's power when you stick it in a CD drive on a PC.

This movie is great.

Underlying it all is a malicious thread of species-ism in the form of dog-cat hatred. At every opportunity defamatory and slanderous anti-feline sentiments are expressed, implied, and presented in a manner that reveals the deep seated prejudice of the screen writer. The only human minorities in the movie are two moron policemen who constantly make lowbrow, lewd innuendos at every given opportunity, referencing bestiality. Their ethnicity? Surprise! LATINO.

If this wasn't already some of the most exciting cinema of the new millennium, add to that the physics defying martial choreography, featuring mouth-breathing blonde bombshells doing two legged back kicks after running up the wall and septuagenarian sport board breaking.

It concerns me deeply that English speaking children are shown mindless drivel like this without consideration of the lasting emotional and spiritual injury that could be incurred.

The only disappointment? On the cover of the DVD it shows the dog wearing a headband. The dog NEVER wears a headband ONCE in the whole movie.

In summation: the greatest film ever made.

This movie is a great family film. Looking for something clean, fun and entertaining for the whole family, this movie will serve the purpose. It is by no means a riveting drama or a hilarious comedy. However, it will be fun for the kids and mildly entertaining for adults. Just by the tittle you should get the idea that the movie is not a serious one. The dog in this movie who talks and does karate is bent on helping a cop find the killer of his previous owner. The cop gets himself into all kinds of trouble as he struggles to produce evidence. Of course a minor plot is his relationship with a female cop who he infatuated with. The dog of course tries to help him with this as well. I guess you will have to watch to see how everything turns out.

Not even worth watching for free...that is about the best way to put it after watching this mess on TV for free. I know Simon Rex is NOT an actor...so why was he cast as a lead in anything? We are suppose to believe he is a detective? But the plot gets even BETTER!! He becomes the owner of a dog who was a witness to a murder...and that dog can TALK!!! OMG...it gets even crazier! The dog lets tt he cop in on the fact that ALL animals can talk..in their own language, of course..but us humans just can't hear it. The detective decides to help this dog solve his masters' murder..and goes bumbling around doing various stupid things in an attempt add some humor to the mix. He meets a patrol cop who has plans to be detective some day too..and of course she jumps right in to help him out. Jamie Priestly is the eye candy for this film...and that is about all she is good for here I am not sure if she is really a talented actress at all. Seeing an accomplished actor like Jon Voight lower his standards to do this was almost a sad thing. He was suppose to be some amazing karate master? His moves were stiff and anything but realistic. Even his attempts at being tough was lame. Taking a concept that has been done before...a talking dog in a movie..was fine..but doing it on what must have been a low budget was not a good plan. Even the actors playing the children of Jon Voights' character were bad choices..they looked too old to be believable. Someone who was as skilled in martial arts as he was would have also taught his children the skills too at some point...in reality anyway. Not much was realistic or believable here...and I think even kids would become bored after a while. Seeing dogs dancing, playing music and spinning records was just way too much. I felt sorry for the real dogs in this and I hope they were paid well in top quality kibble...but I doubt the director had that kind of money to spare...obviously he had to know it would not make him any cash as a completed film either. Low budget stuff can be fun....but this one was more of a mess than anything.

When you look at a Chihuahua you say he can't stand on his hind legs which is why the dog they choose was perfect best computer animation ever