- Courtney: Fifty percent of what people say when they are joking is true, which means, you do wanna go to this wedding but you are too afraid to admit it. So, by making some sort of joke about it, you get to say what you really want without being vulnerable.
- Christina: Wanna hear some poetry? There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!
- Christina: You're too big to fit in here...
- [covers her front]
- Courtney: Too big to fit in HERE...
- [smacks butt]
- Courtney: OW! Unh!
- Jane: Too big to fit in here...
- [covers mouth and moans]
- Christina: [Patrons begin playing music and drumming on things] Oh, my God!
- Courtney: Oh my god, we are in Fame right now!
- Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] What a lovely ride
- Jane: Your penis is a thrill!
- Christina: Your penis is a Cadillac!
- Courtney: A giant Coupe DeVille!
- Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] Your penis packs a wallop, your penis brings a load.
- Courtney: And when it makes delivery...
- Christina: It needs its own zip code! Nine-double zero PENIS!
- Christina: [Reading] Follow the yellow brick road? Huh! I'm following the yellow brick road... following the yellow brick...
- Christina: [Comes across a picture of a dog with a hole in its mouth, she gasps] MUFFY! You look like my old doggy Muffy! What's in your mouth? What's in your mouth?
- [more seriously]
- Christina: What do you got in there?
- [looks into the hole]
- Man in the Glory Hole: Surprise!
- Christina: Ew! What is that?
- Courtney: What is what?
- Christina: You don't smell that?
- Courtney: Smell what? I don't smell anything.
- Christina: Oh Jesus! You're used to it, and that's, that's what's really scary!
- Courtney: I don't smell anything!
- Christina: It smells like moldy ass is what it smells like in here!
- Courtney: Wait a minute, come to think of it, I did leave some ass in the back.
- Christina: You did!
- Courtney: I did, about a week a ago. I did, it's the ass! It must be the ass!
- Courtney: That is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I mean, I flew across that room. And you got fucked in the eye!
- Christina: How are you stuck?
- Andy: I have a piercing...
- [the entire crowd recoils in shock]
- San Francisco Policeman #2: I don't get it, how are they stuck?
- Male bystander: [smiles] Behind her tonsils
- San Francisco Policeman #2: How do you know that?
- [Awkward pause]
- Peter: [in Christina's whimsical dream, as a waiter brings in a cart-load of ice-cream] I had them take out all the calories for you.
- Courtney: What you did was incredibly brave. You dropped all your boundaries and you met him half way... shit you met him more than halfway you went all the way to Somerset.
- Christina: I wasn't suggesting that the two of you get married, I just thought maybe you could get it on!
- Courtney: Oh, you know, the usual. Defending the rights of my broken hearted clients and try to squeeze every single penny out of their miserable cheating spouses.
- [Courtney and Christina look at reflection of themselves dressed in ridiculous clothes]
- Christina, Courtney: These are..."The Days Of Our Lives"!
- Christina: *This* is not discreet, okay?
- Courtney: [chuckling] No, it isn't.
- Christina: We are not gonna be able to walk into a wedding...
- Courtney: Oh, come on, it's *very* La Toya Jackson.
- Christina: [as the wind blows off her hat and she chases after it] I mean, really, look at all this, I may as well strap a sign on my ass that says "Stalker." I am not going there wearing this outfit So can we please just go?
- Courtney: Yes, let's go. Let's go home.
- Christina: Really?
- Courtney: Yeah. I mean, we've driven for three and a half hours and everything, but, no, let's go.
- Christina, Courtney: Jane! JANEYYY!
- Jane: Sorry you guys, I'm really busy and...
- Christina, Courtney: Hey, wait, Jane
- [they begin singing]
- Christina, Courtney: "Do you like Pina Coladas? And getting caught in the rain...?"
- Jane: [Watches her boyfriend in his mascot outfit topple down a flight of stairs] ... shit!
- Chuck: [spying on women that are overtly admiring Courtney's implants] That's why girls always go to the bathroom together!
- [holds up arm shaking the fat on it]
- Courtney: Look at this, no what is that, no, what is that, no seriously what is that? It's like Hello, Hi, Hi, How are you?
- Peter: Christina Walters? Yep. I know her. Bitch. First she tries to pawn me off on her friend, then she stalks me at my own wedding. Then she says "I have no feelings for you. Blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah, yada, yada yada - "
- [Pulls Christina over the couch and they begin kissing happily]
- Girl #1: I can't believe he brought that bitch to our bar. This is our bar!
- Girl #2: Forget her. She's a Skeev.
- Girl #1: But is she prettier than me?
- Girl #2: Of course not, you're beautiful.
- [Girl #1 throws up all over Girl #2]
- Girl #2: Oh my God, you fucking bitch!
- Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All Singing] What a lovely ride!
- Jane: Your penis is a thrill!
- Christina: Your penis is a Cadillac
- Jane: A giant Coupe DeVille!
- Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] Your penis packs a wallop, your penis brings a load!
- Christina: And when it makes delivery...
- Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] It needs its own zipcode
- Christina: Nine-Double Zero, Penis!
- Courtney: [as Jane arrives] Hi, honey.
- Christina: Hi. How did it go?
- Jane: Fine. No problem.
- Christina: Good.
- Courtney: So, did we have fun last night?
- Jane: Yes, I did. It was great. You guys were absolutely right. A transition guy was just what I needed.
- Christina: Good. How was he? Was he good?
- Jane: He was very... sweet and complimentary. And very into pleasing me first.
- Courtney: So how was, uh, how was girth?
- Jane: Average-ish.
- Christina: Average-ish. That's good. So, what did you tell him?
- Jane: What do you mean?
- Courtney: What do we always tell them no matter what?
- Jane: Oh.
- [goes through fake repertoire]
- Jane: Oh! My God! Your penis is so... *big!*
- Courtney: *Good girl.*
- [chuckles]
- Christina: [holding glass like it's the real thing] Your penis is so *thick!*
- Courtney: [does her thing holding a flower vase as well] Oh! Your penis is so pretty!
- Christina, Courtney, Jane: [Jane picks up glass as well] Oh! You got a handsome dick!
- [Jane even licks her glass]
- Christina: Your penis is so... *hard!*
- [pretends to have orgasm]
- Courtney: Your penis is just so... *large!*
- Christina: My body is a movie...
- Christina, Courtney, Jane: ...and your penis is the *star!*