Boa

The bad big snake movie redux

First off, people who throw around the epithet "worst movie of all time" haven't seen enough bad movies. Go watch Turbulence 1, 2 or 3, or Druids to know what the phrase really means. This movie is bad, but it's fun bad. It's heckle-able (is that a word? it is now). There's plenty to make fun of but it's hardly unwatchable. If you go in (as I did) knowing that this is going to be a bad big snake movie (or a bad CGI-thing movie) then you can enjoy it on it's own terms for 90 minutes. Granted, they are stupid terms, but hey, why else would you rent a straight-to-video movie starring Dean Cain & a CGI snake?

This movie is non-stop B quality action. One of the least likely plots in the world, some of the most unrealistic special effects ever and a script that probably doesn't exist, I think the director realized the caliber of acting talent he had at his disposal and let them adlib the lot. Best bits are when the security guard acts like he has had no gun training as he fires his shotgun aimlessly (good pun). Also when dean cains missus runs off and he shouts her name about 7 times in a row. JESSICA, JESSICA JESSICA. I do love this film, but only cos its really bad. Dean Cain to play bond!!!!! Oh and the ending is ridiculous!!!!! Cold blooded snake that isn't bothered it's in antarctic conditions!!!!! Likely.

The world-leading countries sneakily aligned on opening a top-secret and maximally secured prison in Antarctica, reserved for the worst of the worst kind of criminals, like terrorists, government hackers, and fallen dictators. Construction and drilling works are still in progress, although the facility is already in use, and the workers drill through a hallow rock and awaken a gigantesque prehistoric snake.

Well, you know, these things happen...

Luckily, there's former TV-Superman Dean Cain as a useless paleontologist who gives brilliant advise, like: "Don't shoot the gas pipes" (but the soldiers continue to ignore this) and "Let's release the prisoners because they know more about escaping...".

It's a terrible film, but - in its defense - can anyone name one 'giant snake' horror effort that is actually good? No, of course not. Even the far more budgeted efforts, like "Anaconda" and "Python" are worthless. If you're looking for adequate snake horror, stick to the "normal sized" slithery serpents, like "Venom", "Mamba", "Fangs", "Jennifer", "Rattlers", "Curse II: the Bite", "Sssssss", or "Stanley". The best way to enjoy "Boa" is as a so-called "send in the military cannon fodder" flick. These are horror/Sci-Fi movies dealing with random military men being sent into a top-secret and geographically remote government research facility or underground lab to eliminate creatures much stronger and slimier than them. The CGI effects are terrible, the wardens and (especially) the prisoners are hopeless stereotypes, and finale is downright ridiculous - although it does predate "Snakes on a Plane" by a handful of years.

I watched this movie a few nights ago for the first time. I was astounded at the low production values, the poorly written script, the extremely inept CGI, and the incredibly bad acting of the ensemble.

The plot is something like this: A New Alcatraz is built at the North Pole or the South Pole, in any case, where someone cannot easily escape. Retirement plans for the prison staff must be hell and what happens if you get fired? Anyway, back to the supposed storyline -- this new state of the art prison is supposed to house the worst of the worst (criminals and politicians, maybe an insurance agent or two, certainly the former execs from Enron). The construction crew hit a snag, i.e. some nitrogen filled chamber wherein lies a 100 ft snake that has managed to survive for 10 billion years without eating. I figure it must have swallowed a T-Rex and had been digesting it for a bit before it decided to come out and have a little nighttime snack. OSHA must have had a fit when they learned about the construction crew going against safety guidelines.

Obviously the writers know absolutely NOTHING about snakes because this one zips here there and everywhere faster than my dog eats McDonald french fries. Large snakes are quite slow, watch Animal Planet and you'll know what I mean. And how come this snake had FANGS IN THE FRONT OF HIS MOUTH? And why does he growl? And how can he rip people in two, toss the individual parts into the air and then catch it? I thought boas constricted their dinner and then swallowed it. At least that's what Animal Planet is leading me to believe.

Anyway, Dean Cain and his wife have quit their posts as teachers at a university and are digging around at an archealogical site in the middle of a desert. Maybe they were looking for more frozen snakes in the desert? They are having a huge fight about having children in their future - Dean wants them, the wife doesn't. In the midst of this loving relationship, the military comes out and hints around at something BIG (it's always BIG) and off they go, no questions asked. They end up at this prison wherein they find out about the SNAKE. And of course only two people have the secret code to get in or out of the prison. The Major who leads the military operation and the Warden. Guess who dies?

For some reason, the prisoners do not seem unduly concerned with being eaten by this HUGE snake. This is a snake that eats guards at an alarming rate. They must be extra tasty. The prisoners are pretty happy considering their predicament. And of course NO ONE listens to reason so everyone gets eaten.

Then Dean's wife gets taken by the snake and I was really hoping she'd be eaten but unfortunately she wasn't. He didn't appear upset, probably because she refused to have his baby, and was thinking of the new wife he'd get as soon as he left this place. Come to think of it, all of the actors appeared to be thinking of the new wife Dean Cain was going to get since his current wife was taken by the snake.

And why didn't the snake eat her? Too bitchy? Maybe it's because she wasn't wearing a uniform. I think the snake has something for people in uniforms.

Could someone explain to me why in every single Sci Fi channel movie only two people ever survive? Can't we have more than two -- like THREE or more?

Someone smarter than the lead characters and more likable? It'd be a change.

All in all, it's an interestingly bad movie to watch. Not as horrible as Raptor Island, this one just had lots of holes. Like when the snake ate the co-pilot in the plane as it was airborne and no one got sucked out of the open end of the plane except the only sympathetic character. And that woman still survived. Do you think she and Dean Cain's character had any babies? Do you think that maybe the snake impregnated her while she was gone and she's going to give birth to a whole new breed of giant guard-eating snakes?

And does this mean we won't get to send any more Enron execs to the New Alcatraz?

Like Anaconda but in Antarctica and the women are in parkas. But this movie was much better than Anaconda because of the ensemble acting. There were some funny accents just like in Gladiator.

We had to rent this movie like we rent any movie with hunky Dean Cain (who should have been in Gladiator).

We were expecting the movie to be a lot better than it was judging by the packaging on box that depicted a cool looking snake that kind of looks like a box if you know what I mean. Even though the movie wasn't "Oscar" material, it did depict realistically what would happen if an Antarctic prison colony was invaded by a giant prehistoric snake. I, myself, did not think that New Alcatraz/Boa was Epic in the same sense that Gladiator is epic. In that context, New Alcatraz/Boa is no War and Peace. However, New Alcatraz/Boa had a strange twist of irony unlike any film I've seen in a longtime.

If there is a sequel to this movie we would like to write it... imagine a biblical thriller in space with a giant snake.