L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve

Please tell me what happened to the great actors Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen? Were they short of money or what? What possessed them to be in such a crap movie? I have always been a fan of these actors, but they lowered their standards to "Z" grade acting in this piece of rubbish movie. The scenes were corny and had the hallmarks of a cheap porn movie, without the actual porn! The acting was woody and not convincing at all. They should not have associated themselves with the Los Angeles Police Department, as the movie is an insult to any law enforcement agency.It took me ages to appreciate these actors after that. Michael Madsen did a good job in Kill Bill 1 & 2, so thankfully he redeemed himself.

To Protect and Serve: Protect us the viewer and serve the acting to the dogs. Why oh Why did I rent this? Because of Dennis Hopper. After all, he has made some good films, even very good ones. I saw him on the cover, and instead of checking IMDB first, I took a chance. This trash is the Plan Nine from Outer Space version of modern law enforcement. If I were a LAPD employee, a LA criminal, a citizen of LA, even an alien from Mars, I would demand that all money used in this production be used to burn all copies of this wherever they may be. Considering the absolute total ineptness of the acting, directing, and writing efforts here, there may be only enough loose coin to burn just one copy. Dennis Hopper was in this for 3 maybe 4 minutes. And you could plainly see he was over acting. Dennis, do not add this to your filmography. This is a very, very bad film.

This has got to be the worst film I have ever seen. I would have thought with the likes of Dennis Hopper, Michael Madsen and Charles Derning that it would have had some hope. Nope, not here. This movie is so bad I don't know where to start. Six people in a closet shooting at each other and no one gets hit. Not even a hint at police procedures. Moronic writing at it's best. I don't think any of the police cars even had matching light bars. Using lights and sirens on a code 2 call. I am going to have to look to see who was technical adviser, as who ever it was they know nothing about the LAPD, or even Mayberry PD much less Barney. Just a complete waste of 98 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Rent this film...now! This is ineptness at its most sublime, a turd of a straight-to-video flick that is so bad you'll swear the filmmakers tried to make it as crappy as possible. The box cover shows Dennis Hopper (who is in the "film" for about 5 minutes...he must have needed some money...bad) and Michael Madsen (who wears a police shirt far too small for him...I guess they couldn't afford a plus-size cop shirt from the local surplus) and completely ignores the two lead actors. There's some plotline about corrupt cops and such but who cares? Just sit back and laugh at: The big old fat dude getting "hit" in the face with the stock of a shotgun (despite the fact that the gun is about ten feet away from the guy), the old homeless dude getting hit by a car while "sad" music plays on the soundtrack (isn't there a better way to kill someone?), Michael Madsen swinging his arms around rapidly whenever he talks (you know when someone tucks their arms behind their back and someone behind them does overdone hand motions trying to simulate the movements of their arms? That's what this looks like to the tenth degree) and finally (and this is the best part!) the police officer having the wildest orgasms ever (I swear this guy overdoes his orgasms more than any porn actress I've ever seen...I mean the way the guy's face contorts and distorts he looks like someone's knifing him in the back...and all this while his lover just sits there...seemingly bored).

Anycrap, if you love bad films see this one. It'll be some of the best fun you've ever had in your short life.

I'm embarrassed to say I even hesitated to change the channel when this...hell I don't know what to call it, it doesn't deserve to be called a movie. I hate to knock on any movie because I know how hard it must be to get a movie made, but the idea that anything people must have worked so hard on could turn out to be this bad is both depressing and frightening. I've never actually hated a movie, but this one comes awful close, the only reason I rated it a one is because I could not rate it any lower.