- [about the FEDS]
- [over radio]
- Burt: Need I remind you Jack? They are not your friends, they are government agents. OVER!
- Jack: [also over radio] Cut me some slack, Burt! All I did was a little negotiatin'.
- Burt: You did *what*?
- Jack: I cut us a deal! You help 'em catch one live graboid, they give you back your huntin' license, over.
- Burt: [Burt drives up, stopping next to Jack. Jodi notices them still talking on the radio] Uhhh, copy that. Roger. One question.
- Jack: Shoot.
- Burt: [Off radio, getting out of the vehicle] Is your head up your ass for the warmth?
- Jodi Chang: [after assembling a potato gun, Jodi realizes a problem] Uh, but do we have a lighter?
- Jack: Burt does.
- Burt: [looks up from the gun] How do you know?
- Jack: Well, 'cause you're... Burt.
- Burt: [presenting lighter] Damn right I am.
- Burt: [Jack and Jodi arrive] Have either of you heard from the feds? I can't raise them.
- Jack: Not since this morning. Guess they've gone out of radio range, huh? They were chasing a Graboid.
- Burt: They were chasing IT? It wasn't chasing THEM?
- [goes worried]
- Burt: I don't like that.
- Jodi Chang: So, maybe that scared it.
- [she then sees something]
- Jodi Chang: Jesus! What is that?
- [they see Dr. Merliss slowly limping dragging a fire extinguisher and completely covered in foam, Jodi, Jack, Miguel and Burt run to him]
- Jodi Chang: Dr. Merliss! What happened?
- Dr. Andrew Merliss: [stammers in difficulty] We found a Graboid... on the surface. But it... it... it was...
- Burt: [knowingly] Hollow. Split open.
- Dr. Andrew Merliss: [whimpers, continues stammering] Yeah. Yeah, split open, split open. Empty, yes. When we examined it... we... the sound... I heard the s... the screaming! And then, they were... they were all around us! They're so fast! Rusk and Statler... torn to pieces! I... I hid in my van, but they were ripping it apart! I remembered something: don't... don't... don't let them... see body heat! So... I sprayed myself...
- [breathes in difficulty]
- Dr. Andrew Merliss: So cold... It's so cold! It's cold!
- Jack: No, that was good. That was good thinking, good thinking.
- Dr. Andrew Merliss: [suddenly feels faint] Not... entirely... effective... I'm afraid.
- [Dr. Merliss faints as a large stream of blood is shown on his mauled back]
- Miguel: Oh, my madre!
- [Burt checks for Dr. Merliss's pulse, but Burt shakes his head showing that Dr. Merliss is dead]
- [after Burt blows up his home to keep the assblaster from eating the food, and finding out food stops them]
- Burt: What kind of supreme being would condone such irony?
- [a graboid is just outside Burt's fence]
- Burt: Now, if you'll kindly lean your endangered carcass over my property line, we'll call your untimely demise 'self defense'.
- Jack: Alright, that's good. Well, I think we just best wait it out a spell.
- Tourist Lady: How long do you think it will be?
- Jack: Well, ma'am, time is the eternal river. I suggest we not swim upstream.
- Jack: So, what do we do?
- Burt: Your little jungle boat ride is over, mister. Time to fish or cut bait.
- Jack: Yeah, so what do we do?
- Nancy Sterngood: Burt, excuse me, but we're not cut off this time. We don't have to act like militia nitwits. We can call for help.
- Burt: Nancy, since no one has bothered to maintain or monitor their seismic equipment, we have no idea how long the graboids have been active and therefore have no idea when they may become shriekers. We can't wait for the authorities, we are the authorities.
- Jack: So, what do we do?
- Burt: We hunt them down. We wipe them out. We'll go at dawn.
- Agent Frank Statler: I am the granted authority to insure adherence to Section 1472-B of the Endangered Species Act, which guards the welfare of large-class desert reptilians. I'm enforcing an immediate ban on hunting of graboids in Perfection Valley.
- Miguel: Those are my cattle out there, pendejo.
- Agent Frank Statler: Aha.
- Miguel: The BLM man gave permission to kill anything dangerous to my cattle: El lobo, el coyote, and el graboid.
- Agent Frank Statler: Well, your BLM man reports to this BLM man, who now reports to me, and I'm here to tell you there will be no more killing of graboids. Period.
- Burt: So we let them live, and we become the endangered species.
- [as an ass blaster groans over Burt's compound]
- Burt: Not to worry, my perimeter is completely Graboid proof.
- Jodi Chang: But is it ass blaster proof.
- Jack: I've been listening to my inner voice, and it's tellin' me that you and I are destined to work together. What do ya think?
- Burt: I think if I had an inner voice, it'd be tellin' me to tell you to get lost.
- [drives off]
- Jack: Well, uh just give it some time. You just think about it and get back to me now.
- Miguel: The BLM man gave me permission to kill anything that represented a danger to my cattle. El lobo, el coyote, and el Graboid.
- [Suggesting names for the flying monsters]
- Jodi Chang: Assblasters. How's that?
- Jack: Sounds like a porno film.
- Jodi Chang: Well, we discovered it right? Just like the other ones. We should name it... how about buttlauncher?
- Jodi Chang: By the way, you didn't pay me for that bag of ice this morning.
- Jack: Yeah, well, you know, I thought it was complimentary ice.
- Jodi Chang: I'm in business here, Jack.
- Jack: So am I. I've been thinking you ought to sell me my refreshments at wholesale.
- Jodi Chang: Because?
- Jack: It's a part of our symbiotic relationship.
- Jodi Chang: Oh, symbiotic relationship. That's a good one, Jack.
- Jack: You see, Jodi, all things are related. My business brings business to your business. Probably like an increase of about, approximately around, 50%.
- Jodi Chang: Oh, Actually, 22%, with questionable sustainability.
- Jack: Questionable sustainability?
- Jodi Chang: Do you have a business plan?
- Jack: I try not to plan too much. I trust in the ebb and flow of the universe.
- Agent Frank Statler: I don't quite understand what you just said, but do we have a deal? We, do we have a deal? Because we want to know what we should do.
- Burt: You guys do what you do best: Find something simple and complicate it.
- Jodi Chang: Right. So, were you able to get me some graboid or shrieker parts: Beaks, tentacles, claws?
- Burt: Aren't you overdoing all this a little?
- Jodi Chang: Burt, this stuff is our claim to fame. China has pandas. Australia has koalas. And we've got these, even if they are extinct here.
- Melvin Plug: Jesus Christ, Burt! I thought you killed all those things.
- Burt: I never said that.
- Melvin Plug: God, man, kill it! Blow it up! What are you waiting for, Burt?
- Burt: The things is, as long as one of these reptilians is still alive, this whole area is deemed protected; you know, pursuant to section 1472-B of the Endangered Species Act. In other words, no houses, no condos, and no ranchettes.
- [after Burt blows up a shrieker herd]
- Jack: Holy Sheeit! he doesn't fool around.
- Jodi Chang: Burt is very uh, committed.
- Burt: [after everyone runs into an outhouse to hide from the assblasters] Well... let's assess the situation.
- Jack: We're screwed.
- Jodi Chang: We're screwed in an outhouse?
- [Melvin is trying to convince Burt to sell his house and land]
- Melvin Plug: C'mon Burt, what do you say?
- Burt: I say I'll give you a ten-second head start.
- Burt: [after an argument about catching a live graboid. Currently glaring angrily at Jack after he "cut them a deal" with the Feds] You...
- [turns gaze to the Feds]
- Burt: ... say you have some sort of tranquilizer? Hmm?
- Jack: [mouthing] Thank you...
- Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): Yeah, we're usin' tranq darts.
- [looks at Rusk]
- Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): We got one to chase us, but we couldn't get these
- [holds up a tranq dart with bent tip]
- Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): to penetrate the dirt. I'm ordering titanium tips, and a more powerful launch-gun.
- Burt: Of course, you could *squander* the tax-payers' money, but I bet I could get them to swallow *this*
- [holds up a bag with tranquilizer fluid inside]
- Burt: with *this*
- [holds up a remote-control truck]
- Burt: , for $49.95!
- Agent Charlie Rusk: So, do we - do we - we have a deal? Because we wanna know what - we should do...
- Burt: You guys do what you do best!
- [gets into his truck with the window rolled down]
- Burt: Find something simple and complicate it!
- Jack: [to Rusk] It's good that he expresses himself. Repressed emotions can be real toxic.
- Agent Charlie Rusk: He needs counselling...
- Burt: [to Jack] Get in!
- Jack: What?
- Burt: You got me into this!
- Burt: Well, alright!
- [Runs to the truck, slides over the hood, and jumps into the truck through an open window]
- Burt: Use the door!
- [after Burt gets dug up from a Graboid stomach]
- Burt: I prefer... we keep this... to ourselves.
- Jodi Chang: Oh, you guys definitely need to be supervised.
- Burt: [after seeing a "Perfection Valley Ranchettes" sign by the junkyard, signifying Mel going specifically against what Burt said] The little turd!