Beneath Loch Ness

My local movie house are showing this film which frankly is an insult to movie-goers as it is so bad its not even worth a video release. The title tells you what its about and watching it gives the impression it was made up as it went along. The acting is dreadful especially from the lady playing the blond news producer. In fact to show the contempt that the the movie makers have for the viewing public they don't even bother about people with Irish accents pretending to be Scottish. This film has no humour, no imagination, and no thrills. To call it a 'B' picture would be an insult to that genre.

Obviously even the likes of Patrick Bergen and Lysette Anthony have mortgages and bills to pay. It's sad to see even slightly recognisable personnel in such an abysmal production. I can only assume that they fired the person responsible for continuity, as there are more holes in this picture than a dartboard.

Its set in a Scotland where:-

People speak in American, Irish, English, and probably Punjabi accents- but not Scottish.

The loch Ness monster looks like something from a game on the commodore 64

People drive American 4x4 vehicles on the wrong side of the road

The police wear American uniforms

You can use American dollars in the local shops and pubs

etc., etc. - the list goes on.

Indeed, this is a pathetic and insulting offering, with "Scotsmen" stereotyped that I am surprised the casting department didn't hire Russ Abbott to do his mad Scotsman impersonation.

As a Scot, when I saw this film, I was left numbed at how shocking it was and I don't mean that in a good way. This 'film' (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word) is not only an insult to Scotland but it is embarrassing for the Hollywood producers and actors involved in this project.

Aside from the fact the storyline dire and the acting utterly bland, the special effects look as if they were put together by three-year-olds on their nursery school computer . However, the most pathetic point about this film was the fact it clearly was not set anywhere remotely near the UK, let alone Loch Ness. It was bad enough that the cast were mainly Americans (or Americans with bad accents) but the cars drove on the wrong side of the road, the police wore American uniforms and little effort was made to even pretend the American location of this film was supposedly Scotland. Then you had the stereotypical Scots who graced the background every so often; I honestly was waiting for them to shout 'och, aye the noo' then do the Highland fling in their kilt with the haggis dancing by their sides.

Take a leaf out of Nessie's book when it comes to 'Beneath Loch Ness' and hide far, far away from it (although Scots may want to see it with the view that it is pure comedy in a 'so bad it's good' way).

This had to be one of the biggest wastes of celluloid of all time(next to that Blair Witch thing). Blockbuster should be made to refund the money of those who thought they were renting a movie. The same, old plot devices were used (i.e. the idiot mayor/constable refusing to close the beach/loch at the height of tourist season, a smaller animal caught that was not the right one, the crusty old sea captain/fisherman with a score to settle ). I swear, I think someone even used the phrase "this was no boating accident". If Speilburg and Blatty didn't sue these guys for blatant plagerism and or copyright infringment, they should have. On the suck scale of one to five vacumn cleaners,(5 being the worst), this gets a seven.

I had doubts about this one when I saw it in the video store. However, my son is a 'monster' buff so I decided to rent it.

Where to begin? With the plot elements from other, better sources? Jaws, Jurassic Park, there was even a bit of Moby Dick in there. The rent-a-cliche characters? The maverick scientist, the career-driven ex-wife of the maverick scientist (called 'Lizzie Borden' - puh-lease!), the obnoxious local official who disregards all dire warnings (Constable Connaghy - did they audition this guy before they got him to play a Highlander?).

The factual errors and plot holes are too tiresome to detail.

While I hate to spoil anyone's viewing of this cinematic feast, the sight of Patrick Bergin kitted out in a kilt and 'Braveheart' style warpaint going to battle the monster armed with a harpoon is one that will live long in my memory (unfortunately).

I should add in fairness that my son seemed to enjoy the film, which maybe indicates the level of its appeal.