- Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes.
- [Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line]
- Lorelai: Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
- Luke: What?
- Lorelai: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
- Luke: [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...
- Lorelai: Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
- Luke: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
- Lorelai: [happily] Ooh, it's me.
- Luke: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
- Lorelai: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
- Luke: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
- Lorelai: God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
- Luke: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.
- Lorelai: [grins] But she didn't go away.
- Luke: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me -
- [takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her]
- Luke: one day it would bring me luck.
- Lorelai: [teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee
- [reads it, grows serious]
- Lorelai: Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet?
- [sees his face]
- Lorelai: You kept this in your wallet.
- Luke: Eight years.
- Lorelai: [emotionally] Eight years.
- Emily: You were on the phone?
- Richard: Long distance.
- Lorelai: God?
- Richard: London.
- Lorelai: God lives in London?
- Richard: My mother lives in London.
- Lorelai: Your mother is God?
- Richard: Lorelai...
- Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
- Richard: Lorelai.
- Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
- Richard: Make her stop.
- Rory: Oh, that I could.
- Luke: I don't even like kids. They always have jam on their hands. Even when there isn't any jam in the house, they get jam on their hands. I can't deal with jam hands.
- Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
- Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
- Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.
- Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.
- Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
- Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.
- Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.
- Luke: But that means you take the mattress.
- Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
- Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
- Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.
- Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
- Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
- Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
- Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.
- Luke: We've been here before.
- Lorelai: I recognize that tree.
- [Luke thinks Lorelai is still dating Jason even though he, Luke, has 'made his intentions clear']
- Luke: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
- Lorelai: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
- Luke: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
- Lorelai: I loved the flowers!
- Luke: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.
- Lorelai: There was! There was a moment.
- [Luke looks at her and then moves closer]
- Lorelai: What are you doing?
- Luke: Will you just stand still?
- [he gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai moves away, and then steps closer to Luke]
- Luke: What are you doing?
- Lorelai: Will you just stand still?
- [they kiss again]
- Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
- Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.
- Rory: Uh-huh.
- Lorelai: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
- [after Logan's prank in front of her class]
- Rory: I have no words...
- Logan: It was just a joke!
- Rory: Oh, no, wait. I thought of some. Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-face, miscreant!
- Logan: 'Butt-faced miscreant'!
- Rory: Why would you do something like that?
- Logan: I'm sorry, 'butt-faced miscreant'?
- Jess: Hi.
- Rory: Hey.
- Jess: Hi.
- Lorelai: Hi.
- Jess: Hi.
- Luke: Hi.
- Rory: I have to get to school.
- Jess: Yeah, me too.
- Rory: Bye
- Jess: Bye. Bye.
- Lorelai: Bye.
- Rory: Bye.
- Lorelai: Bye.
- Rory: Bye.
- Luke: Bye.
- [Jess and Rory leave]
- Luke: What the hell was that?
- Lorelai: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
- Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
- Rory: Hmm.
- Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
- Emily: Oh dear God.
- Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
- Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
- Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
- Rory: Hehe.
- Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
- Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
- Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
- Lorelai: Mom, Dad, look. I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and, that's good. Really good
- Rory: Nothing but smiles.
- Lorelai: We're both really happy about it.
- Rory: Both.
- Lorelai: Her and me.
- Rory: She and I.
- Lorelai: Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.
- Rory: Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be, equally over the moon about the going to Yale.
- Rory: Please, just tell me why you're here.
- Dean: I don't even know...
- Rory: Yes, you do!
- Dean: Because I thought that you? Oh, forget it.
- Rory: No.
- Dean: I thought you were trying to talk to me.
- Rory: Oh?
- Dean: I mean, you came to my house?
- Rory: Oh, no that? that wasn't me.
- Dean: It *was* you.
- Rory: It must have been someone that looked like me...
- Dean: My sister recognized you from the pictures in my box.
- Rory: What box?
- Dean: The box I have of us, pictures and letters from you and everything...
- Rory: You have a Rory box?
- Dean: And what was going on at that town meeting, all that stuff about writing a song?
- Rory: I don't know what I was talking about...
- Dean: And it had nothing to do with me?... Well, I must have imagined it all, then. Your boyfriend is waiting.
- Rory: He's not my boyfriend, I *hate* him!
- Dean: Whatever.
- Rory: Dean!
- Dean: What?
- Rory: Stop!
- Dean: Why?
- Rory: Because I love you, you idiot!
- Lorelai: Schooch down now and go to sleep.
- [she moves Rory's armchair]
- Rory: What are you doing?
- Lorelai: Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep.
- Rory: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.
- Lorelai: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.
- Rory: And what's the blanket for?
- Lorelai: In case the chair gets cold.
- Rory: And the pillow?
- Lorelai: To keep the blanket company.
- Rory: Uh-huh.
- Lorelai: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.
- [sits down in chair]
- Lorelai: Goodnight.
- Rory: Freak of sideshow proportions.
- Lorelai: I love you, too.
- Rory: Mom?
- Lorelai: Hmm?
- Rory: I'm sorry.
- Lorelai: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
- Lorelai: Oh, hi. You really like my table don't you?
- Joey: I was just, uh...
- Lorelai: Getting to know my daughter.
- Joey: Your...
- Rory: Are you my new daddy?
- Joey: Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter.
- Lorelai: That's possibly very sweet of you, Joey. Thanks.
- Joey: So... daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend.
- Lorelai: She's sixteen.
- Joey: Bye.
- Emily: Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?
- [Rory has just met Paul, a younger man Lorelai once dated "casually" because he came into Luke's with his parents]
- Lorelai: What?
- Rory: Nothing.
- Lorelai: Say it!
- Rory: I've always wanted a little brother.
- Lorelai: He looked older the other night.
- Rory: How much older could he possibly look?
- Lorelai: A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
- Rory: He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
- Lorelai: He's in his twenties.
- Rory: He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.
- Luke: [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew to see them] What are you doing?
- Andrew: I have to ring them up.
- Luke: I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.
- Andrew: That high?
- Luke: They're your prices!
- Andrew: Can I just see the book?
- Luke: I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
- [looks at the price again]
- Luke: Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
- Andrew: Will you just let me scan the book?
- Luke: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
- Andrew: Yes.
- Luke: Then no.
- Andrew: Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
- Luke: You sell porn?
- Andrew: No!
- Luke: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
- Andrew: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
- Luke: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
- Andrew: A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
- Luke: Take it.
- [he leaves, then comes back in]
- Luke: Bag.
- [Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
- Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
- Michel: Are there 12?
- Sookie: 12 what?
- Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
- Sookie: Or what?
- Michel: What do you mean, or what?
- Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
- Michel: This is a silly conversation.
- Sookie: Would you die?
- Michel: Just hand me the plate.
- Sookie: Only if you don't count.
- Michel: I won't count.
- Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
- Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
- Sookie: Nope.
- Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
- ["Gilmore Girls: Beginnings" opening narration]
- Lorelai: There are many paths in life. There's the "Hey, you're cute, sure, I'll marry you after graduation and med school" and the "Can you drive Susie to soccer today, 'cause I've got a pediure?" path. And then there's my path, where I found myself 16 and pregnant and I realized "I have to get a job, I have to raise a kid and being me, I have to do it all by myself." Not easy. But the thing with my path was, when I reached the end, I turned around and realized I'd ended up someplace really good.
- [Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
- Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
- Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
- Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
- Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
- Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
- Lorelai: If only I had that power.
- [Luke is trying to subtly flirt with Lorelai at his diner]
- Luke: Those jeans are really working for you.
- Lorelai: Yeah?
- Luke: They're working for me, too.
- Lorelai: You're flirting with me.
- Luke: Something like that.
- Lorelai: Finally. Do it some more.
- Luke: Your shoes work well with that... shirt.
- Lorelai: Gee, Carson, thanks.
- Lorelai: Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.
- Rory: About what?
- Luke: [handing Rory and Lorelai their food] Dead cow... and dead cow.
- Lorelai: That's weird.
- Rory: He's always weird.
- Lorelai: No, I mean my premonitions have been about death... about *my* death.
- Rory: I don't want to hear this!
- Lorelai: And the thing is, they're all silly.
- Rory: What do you mean silly?
- Lorelai: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
- Rory: Silly and fattening.
- Lorelai: In another, a turtle eats me.
- Rory: A turtle? How?
- Lorelai: Very slowly. There's *lots* of chewing.
- Rory: And in your premonition you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on earth?
- Lorelai: His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
- Rory: Well, you left that part out.
- Lorelai: This last one's a little more gory. I'm hunting...
- Rory: [interrupts] A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.
- Lorelai: ...and my shotgun backfires. My whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.
- Rory: That's the silliest one yet!
- Lorelai: Now if that's how I go, you have to promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.
- Rory: I should really be writing this down.
- Lorelai: You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.
- Rory: It depends on what I have going on that week.
- Zach: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
- Brian: What?
- Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.
- Brian: I think it's a wall.
- Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
- Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
- Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.