Octopus

In this movie, Miss Lowery plays an expert in cephalopods. Her performance is funny, clever, fresh and full of energy. She delivers a highly watchable and enjoyable performance that transcends what probably started out as a very stock character. Her skills are noteworthy and she comes across as an actress with a solid grasp on both drama and comedy. Overall, Carolyn Lowery steals the

Okay, this is just as bad as it gets. Let me hit the high points:

1) The main character. This guy has all the courage and charisma of Pee Wee Herman (no offense to Pee Wee). He's a CIA agent, and after seeing a terrorist blow up the embassy he works at, killing all his co-workers, and then killing his best friend, this guy still can't bring himself to shoot the terrorist. He does stand there pointing his gun forever though. Finally he saves the terrorist.

2) The first scene on the submarine. This is a nuclear attack submarine, yet we find the crew, on the bridge, playing strip poker while rap music blares in the background. The captain walks in and - this is what will leave a person speechless - doesn't seem to find this to be out of the ordinary. This also serves to introduce us to the main female character, and makes her seem like a bar whore. Someone addresses her as "Doctor", while at the same time her panties are on a guy's head. A Hooters Girl doing a beer bong would be more convincing as a Ph.D. than this woman. And a lot classier too. I mean, is there actually anyone out there who thinks that nuclear attack subs are run like college frat houses? And is it possible that this same person is allowed to write screenplays? And let's not even get into the fact that the captain of this boat previously had captained another sub, which he ran aground. To penalize him for this, the military gives him the job of...captaining a nuclear attack sub.

3) The idea that terrorists could hijack a cruise ship and then somehow use it to chase a submarine. Are the film makers aware that submarines travel UNDER the water, and can't be detected by any equipment available on a cruise ship? I mean, it's just impossible to fathom the level of stupidity these people have put into this movie.

Overall, I love cheesy B movies, and a few major plot holes don't bother me much. But this thing...what can one even say? You've got an unbelievably, unwatchably horrible male lead, a scummy whore female lead, a bunch of action sequences that are so incomprehensible in their stupidity that it makes a person become nauseous and disoriented, and finally a giant octopus that does all the work of killing the terrorists that the CIA agent was too much of a cowardly putz to accomplish. Hooray for the octopus. Pity the audience.

How in the world do screenplays like this actually get made into movies? I would think this stuff would be passed around from studio to studio and laughed at until the writers left the state in shame, or maybe even left the country. I mean, there are movies made for $100, 000 in Bulgaria that put this thing utterly to shame.

From the studios of Nu Image, the company that will make a movie out of any script, as long as it's completely awful, comes another low-budget flop, "Octopus". Now, with this title you would think that the octopus would get a prominent place in the plot, or at least more screen time than the extras. Not so. You will only see the octopus in its full glory towards the very end of the film (if you can stay awake that long). The rest of the time, you only see a tentacle here and there, and maybe a cast member will mention, "Hey there's an octopus after us". But for the most part, the main characters spend all their time fighting bad guys and a leaky hull. I wasn't expecting much with this movie, but I thought it might be bad enough to laugh at. It wasn't even worth that. I give it a 2 out of 10 only because the effects weren't that bad, and for a budget this low, that's kind of impressive.

After a reasonably well executed pre-credits sequence, set during the Cuban missile crisis, in which a Russian submarine carrying a toxic cargo is torpedoed by the US, Octopus takes a steep nose dive into the deep waters of ridiculousness from which it never surfaces.

Jay Harrington plays Roy Turner, an inexperienced CIA agent sent on a mission to escort dangerous international terrorist Casper (Ravil Isyanov) to America via nuclear powered submarine. Of course, the trip doesn't exactly go as planned: Casper frequently slips from his bonds, hoping to somehow escape the sub and rendezvous with his evil pals (who have infiltrated the staff of a nearby ocean liner); and a massive tentacled sea monster, the result of the toxic spill 32 years earlier, seems intent on making a meal out of the sub's crew!

From the moment crazy killer Casper (unconvincingly dressed as an old woman selling pastries) carries out his daring attack on an embassy that has a 'come-and-go-as-you-like' approach to security, this daft film becomes the epitome of clichéd B-movie garbage, offering a raft of stereotypical characters, endless predictable action, and totally nonsensical plot development which will have most sane viewers reaching for the off switch, but which should prove to be reasonably enjoyable fare for fans of low-budget, bottom-shelf, STV dreck!

Bolstered by brilliantly unrestrained performances from a dedicated cast seemingly unfazed by the sheer awfulness of the script, and digital special effects scraped from the very bottom of the barrel, Octopus manages to entertain by being unbelievably dumb: before the inevitable climactic showdown between Roy and the sea creature, viewers are treated to several unconvincing punch-ups, an outstanding(ly bad) display of emotional range from Ricco Ross as brave second-in-command Brickman, sexy Caroline Lowery as a feisty female oceanographer (who looks fab in her scanties!), and the unforgettable sight of a giant octopus tentacle piercing the bad guy and pulling his helicopter into the sea!

"Octopus" is utterly boring; and patently ridiculous. What a pathetic waste of a perfectly good Cephalopod. So much time is spent setting up the plot that the octopus gets lost. Sure, the little heroine is totally cute. She can act too; but she can't save this mess on her own. The title "Octopus" is almost a non sequitur! During the interminable espionage conundrums, I kept thinking, "Who cares?" and "Where's the octopus?" And since when do octopi have insect mouthparts? Wouldn't a six foot long cephalopod beak suffice to scare us? The director forgot the monster, and was seemingly trying to remake "Executive Decision" in a submarine; badly. The dialogue, the action and the resolution of this muddle all violated the one axiom of monster pictures. They were boring. The entire film is boring, from start to finish. I am a dedicated monster picture fan and I won't bother to watch this catastrophe again.

I am frequently amazed that none of the directors of modern monster pictures never consider the "Old Man and the Sea" concept; the idea that nature itself is frightening and challenging. This entire film could have been made with six or seven people in a sailboat, trying to fend off a large cephalopod, or two. After all, we need some octopus fodder.

Don't bother with this one. Really. If you're a monster fan it will just make you mad.