Ice Queen

I'm a big fan of horror movies that are so bad they're good, as in hilarious, but Ice Queen is just so bad it's bad. Bad acting, bad script, bad costume for the monster, etc. - all those are expected and they're what make a bad horror flick hilarious. And Ice Queen has them. But nothing happens in this movie for about the first hour, and then there's about twenty minutes of 'horror.' Okay, yes, there are some pretty ridiculous and hilarious moments - as when the monster gets momentarily taken out by a common bathroom fixture, or anytime the monster is shown just standing there going "blaeh! blaeh!" looking like she's about to go into convulsions - but overall it's not enough.

I don't even think that this movie should deserve 1 star. I wish they gave the choice of .5 rating. anyway, the movies plot has less substance than a 1st graders creative writing paper. It is horrendous. I've seen better acting by Steven seagal. He would have made this movie at least a 2/10. The worst part I think was the special effects, I mean this movie was made in 2005 and uses TOY cars and fake model houses and power poles in avalanche scenes. The ICE QUEENs costume looks like a spandex suit from the consignment shop, covered in rubber tubes and grey spray paint. I estimate the budget of this movie was probably between 500-1000 dollars including the actors they picked up from the unemployment office. HORRIBLE, not worth paying for. though I did laugh from time to time, so if you can watch it for free and want a good laugh by making fun of all the goofs, then I recommend it.

Why is it ALWAYS the blonde, fake-tanned, silicon-enhanced skank they show with her bits out in modern 'horror' films, and not the natural, attractive ones? There is a bimbo in this movie who talks so dumb and is such a bad actress, she makes the ladies from TOWIE seem tolerable by comparison. The biggest laugh is when we find out she's in law school... this is about as likely as me being a midwife. If the director had any sense he'd have killed her off after the wet t-shirt competition and the shag in a hot tub, but nope... Instead she hangs around like a bad smell, ruining every scene she's featured in. At least she's getting plenty of help there...

Onto the monster. It's a massive smurf with spiky teeth and some red wires trailing from it. It moves like your drunk uncle trying to play charades, and kills people by plucking their hearts from their chests. Fortunately, it doesn't recite any weird chants like Mola Ram in Temple Of Doom. In fact, it doesn't say anything at all, it just drools and snarls and licks it's lips. It is also completely unscary, so even in movies as appalling as this when the creature usually provides some blessed relief, here it just highlights how shoddy and pathetic the whole enterprise is.

What else? Well, there's a HUGE avalanche scene that may have worked, apart from the most obvious use of green screen EVER. (And WTF is someone banging a gong as part of the background noise during it?) And there's a cute dog, with more talent in it's right paw than the rest of the humans put together. Apart from that, it is boring, boring, boring... then the giant smurf appears, and we wish it would go back to being boring, instead of just painful.

Fortunately, I don't envisage the makers being in a position to pollute the atmosphere with more of their garbage films for quite a while. After all, the profit margin from selling two copies a week at Poundland must be somewhat slight... 1/10

A scientist has found a cave woman from prehistoric times frozen in the ice. She's the Ice Queen. While en route back to civilization, the Ice Queen comes to life, causing the plane they were traveling in to crash into the side of a mountain. The crash causes an avalanche, which deposits the plane, along with several tons of snow, into the main lodge of a ski resort.

This is a generic monster movie. A moronic plot with unnecessary happenings to fill up the length of the movie, below average actors and I can't say anything good about the characters as they are as emotionally thin as paper. The only time I was interested in watching these horrible actors/characters was the pointless sex scene with big fake boobs filling up as much of the screen as possible (it really is my favorite scene from the movie if I had to name one). To sum it up, bad acting.

Gore effects, whilst sometimes extremely amateurish, are quite a bit of fun to endure. It's definitely fake but funny, sometimes Evil Dead type funny. There are some decent crashes pulled off on the screen but are usually followed by horribly crafted CG imagery. If only they had kept this movie totally prosthetic and can the CGI, it may have been able to hold some kind of merit. Alas, they tried to get too Hollywood and make it worse.

Wardrobe design for the Ice Queen and miscellaneous characters are pretty bad, the make-up for the Ice Queen is bearable but only because it makes you laugh. Tee-hee-hee, she look funny.

All they really needed was some more talented people behind the scenes. If only they had a director who could hide that TV movie feel, if only they had a few more decent actors so it doesn't look like a movie filmed by a high school class. It could have rivaled such movies as Pumpkinhead, The Unnamable and Rawhead Rex but falls too short due to its lousy production values.

While transporting a unique female species from the Pleistocene Age, a.k.a. Ice Age, a military convoy is attacked and the sample is abducted. The creature called "Ice Queen" should be conserved in cryogenic state, otherwise she would wake-up very aggressively, but the apparatus in the plane where Dr. Goddard (Daniel Hall Kuhn) airborne the species has a problem, the creature is warmed, awakes and kills the mercenary pilot. The airplane crashes and slides with the snow avalanche that was provoked in the mountains, falling over and burying a resort, trapping a group of survivors with the Ice Queen inside. The species kills some of them, while Johnny (Harmon Walsh), his girlfriend Tori (Noelle Reno) and Elaine (Jennifer Hill) have to find a means of escape to save their lives.

"Ice Queen" is so bad that becomes hilarious, an involuntary comedy. First of all, the screenplay and the dialogs do not help the group of actors and actresses so absurd and silly they are. The direction is terrible, and most of the cast seems to be quite amateurish. The unknown Daniel Hall Kuhn has an awful performance in one of the lead roles. The "silicone queen" Jennifer Hill gives some of the most funny moments of the story, and the body movements of the Ice Queen are comical. I agree that this movie is bad, but in the end I liked it since I laughed a lot. My vote is five.

Title (Brazil): "Terror no Gelo" ("Terror in the Ice")