Why is it ALWAYS the blonde, fake-tanned, silicon-enhanced skank they show with her bits out in modern 'horror' films, and not the natural, attractive ones? There is a bimbo in this movie who talks so dumb and is such a bad actress, she makes the ladies from TOWIE seem tolerable by comparison. The biggest laugh is when we find out she's in law school... this is about as likely as me being a midwife. If the director had any sense he'd have killed her off after the wet t-shirt competition and the shag in a hot tub, but nope... Instead she hangs around like a bad smell, ruining every scene she's featured in. At least she's getting plenty of help there...
Onto the monster. It's a massive smurf with spiky teeth and some red wires trailing from it. It moves like your drunk uncle trying to play charades, and kills people by plucking their hearts from their chests. Fortunately, it doesn't recite any weird chants like Mola Ram in Temple Of Doom. In fact, it doesn't say anything at all, it just drools and snarls and licks it's lips. It is also completely unscary, so even in movies as appalling as this when the creature usually provides some blessed relief, here it just highlights how shoddy and pathetic the whole enterprise is.
What else? Well, there's a HUGE avalanche scene that may have worked, apart from the most obvious use of green screen EVER. (And WTF is someone banging a gong as part of the background noise during it?) And there's a cute dog, with more talent in it's right paw than the rest of the humans put together. Apart from that, it is boring, boring, boring... then the giant smurf appears, and we wish it would go back to being boring, instead of just painful.
Fortunately, I don't envisage the makers being in a position to pollute the atmosphere with more of their garbage films for quite a while. After all, the profit margin from selling two copies a week at Poundland must be somewhat slight... 1/10
